Honest thoughts, If you were in my shoes...

BubblyToes

I want to know what you would think.  I know most of you have never been in this position (and God willing, you never will be), but for a second, put yourself in my shoes.

The sitch:

Next week I should get the results of my failed IVF bloodwork.  This consisted of 17 vials of blood being drawn, and tests run for every possible thing under the sun.  I'm terrified of what I'm going to find out.  

Granted, if it's something that's affecting my fertility, most of those issues can be dealt with.  BUT, I just don't know.  While I want a baby so badly my heart aches, I am having serious reservations.

1. I'm scared of going through the whole mess again.  IVF sucks.  It's so hard, both physically and emotionally.  Throw in additional injections/IV infusions, and it's got the potential to be even harder.

2. Nothing is guaranteed.  We could go through hell again and it might not work.  I don't know if I can deal with getting the "I'm sorry, you're NOT pregnant" call again.  That was one of the most devastating days of my life.  Right up there with the days my grandfathers passed away.  

3. I'm not going to lie.  It's taken a toll on my marriage.  

I am so torn.  The bigger part of me says do it again, dammit.  The smaller, but very vocal, part of me says think about it.  

I just don't know.

Thoughts?

MelandJeff

I won't pretend to know what your going through, but my gut reaction is to tell you to please, nurture and maintain the family that you do have. If this is going to hurt your marriage, then stop.

I can appreciate your need for another baby, but you have been through hell. If nothing else, pick an end date. And stick to it. The William needs to have his mama and daddy and their full focus.

gibs

A real answer -

If you were 100% guaranteed (or even 80%) that (1) it would work, soon, and (2) you'd get a good, healthy child, I'd tell you to go for it.  But because neither of those things is guaranteed, and having read the rest of your post, I vote with Mel.

emiliemadison

First, I hate that anyone has to go through this.

I think that the only thing you can do right now is to sit down with your husband and decide together how much more you are willing to do. Even though this is YOUR body and YOUR emotions, it's also about him and he has to have a say and he must certainly have an opinion at this point. How would you feel if he said "Yes, lets go for it."? Conversely, how would you feel if he told you, "No, I dont want to do it again."?

As for what I would do personally? I really dont know. If my DH and I were both 100% on the same page for one more try, I'd do it. But if either one of us was wavering, if it would take more of a toll on our marriage than I felt we could really handle...no, I wouldnt. 

I wish you didnt have to think about this, or make this decision. But you do, and I think you're a strong woman who will make it work, no matter which decision you reach.

Kapalua

I think, if it were me, I'd have to give it at least one more try.

Totally not the same, but before N I was having multiple m/c.  Went through a bajillion tests on the girl parts, blood tests, was told I had anti-nuclear antibodies and anti-thyroid antibodies...but they couldn't tell me what that means (it was like, you may have lupus or it may be nothing.  It may mean your body is rejecting embryos-or not)  It was physically and emotionally trying.  I told mh at one point to just forget it...I didn't want to have kids.  But, we tried again and conceived N...progesterone, baby aspirins, etc., Dr. appts and blood tests every 5 minutes.   and here he is.  Totally worth it.  And FWIW-all that stuff they told me-fairly certain it meant nothing.  E was conceived and born w/o any precautionary intervention.  It just was timing I guess.

Hang in there, love.  We're here for you whatever you decide to do! (((hugs)))

ali-1411

Do you have to decide immediately?  Could you take a couple months of not trying and then see how you feel.  Maybe after a break from the whole thing, you'll feel ready to go through it again.  Or maybe you'll come to peace with not trying. 

sooosie

I'm also sorry you are going through this - I can only imagine how much it all sucks.

I think I'd probably stop for all of the reasons you listed.  And I can't tell you the number of people that I have known/read about/heard of that went through all the intervention to get pregnant, didn't, quit and stopped stressing - and then got pregnant.  Obviously I'm not God and I don't know what your odds are, but yeah I'd probably quit.

 ((HUGS))

shopgirl_07

Such a tough situation. I have no personal experience with infertility but I know that it takes such an emotional and physical toll.

I think you need to get the results of the blood work and go from there. Start to really think of your family as complete and see what that feels like emotionally. Then start to really think about going through IVF again and see what that feels like emotionally.

I have only one child and it's always been the right number for me so, personally, I wouldn't go through additional fertility treatments. There are a lot of benefits to having one child. I would also think there'd be a big benefit of not being in limbo anymore. Being able to get on with your life, so to speak, and start making plans for your family of three.

Littlejen22

Everybody's journey is different and only you and your DH can really know what is best for your family.  But before we got PG with DS, after my m/c and when I was not ovulating (only O'd 2 times in 9 months and that includes the cycle we were told to skip) we seriously considered adoption b/c I knew I did not want to go through IVF or even IUI with the expenses and emotional costs and knowing what the results could be.  We would have done international adoption mostly b/c I did not think our situation would have been the most appealing for domestic adoption and also b/c I was not interested in an open adoption.  I am not saying this is the answer for you but just that everyone has to make their own decisions of what they can handle and for me personally IVF was not the answer.  I hope whatever you choose you are at peace.

BubblyToes

We definitely have the option of waiting.  My thought right now is, H is best man in his cousin's wedding in September.  I'm thinking we wait until that is over and then do it again.  The wedding is in Ohio (we're in SC).  I'm thinking we just relax and enjoy the summer.  And if we do it again, we wait until after the wedding.

I know I am DEFINITELY not ready to jump right back into it.

shiloh17

I agree with pp. Is this something that could possibly ruin your marriage? If so, than maybe its not meant to be. Would you be willing to try other options (adoption, fostering w/intention to adopt)? My sil was in your position, and opted out of another round of ivf. They went for open adoption w the option of a child w potential special needs. They are the parents of 2 girls. They adopted both as newborns in open adoptions. They got each baby within 6 mos. of being on the list, and neither child has any special needs. I wish you the best in whatever decision you choose. Good luck!

Katesmama

Having gone 3 rounds on the IVF roller coaster from hell personally, I say, give it another try but work on adjusting your thinking first. 
Our first fail was because DH couldn't ... um... produce.  He's got health issues that cause certain problems.  That was a hard hit.  I was hyper-stimulated (the 9th circle of hell) and pissed. 
I had to do a lot of soul searching and put things back into perspective.  Round 2 we used ALL the medical assistance possible to give us every advantage.  I got pregnant but the beta numbers were always a little wonky and I miscarried at 8weeks. 
I figured out with #2 that I get low progesterone after implantation.  Bring on round 3 with even more medical intervention. 
TaDa! 
I had to do everything I reasonably could.  I didn't want to leave something unfinished but I also couldn't let things get out of control.  By the time round 3 came around nobody knew we were doing another cycle.  I stopped talking about it, I worried about other things and all the shots, blood draws and monitoring became just part of the routine.  Making it be the center of your world can really mess you up and torment a marriage.  Do everything you can medically and relax.  My RE office does a lot of stress therapy (yoga, breathing, meditation, acupuncture etc.) to help.  I didn't do any of it because I needed to have my normal life which didn't include hours spent "breathing" in a room with a bunch of hormonal woman... but to each there own.

Sorry for all the over sharing. 

Best wishes to you on your journey... what ever you decide.  Only you know how much you can endure.  Stopping now doesn't make you a quitter, it makes you a wonderful mother to a beautiful little boy. 

Temp108743750006959

I've been in a similar situation, though -- of course -- not exact. We had two years of failures before having Sam via IVF. I actually had a f'ing nurse congratulate me on being pregnant (I wasn't -- she had the wrong patient). It does take a toll, on your body, your marriage, your mental status, etc. I became a hermit for a while.

The marriage factor, if I were in those shoes, would likely make me stop. I need my DH. My son does too.

It's very difficult, I know. I hold other babies and my heart hurts. I hear the whole "oh a single child, blah blah." In short, I don't have any answer but I try to shut out the world a bit and look to my son and DH to figure out our family decisions and learn to make friends with those decisions. Or try to. I do not feel empty or incomplete bc even if it's not another child. I trust love will be in my life (through friends, family, maybe fostering or adoption, etc.) It's not easy though.

 

summerbrideDC

Having been, to some extent (we stopped before IVF after 4 rounds of IUI), where you are, and having chosen NOT to continue pursuing pregnancy, I can only tell you that there are some days when I am still sad to be missing out on the baby I never had.  BUT, for the most part, I am relieved to put all of the experience behind me, to focus on the child I do have, and who is so amazing, and to start repair the damage that was done to my marriage through all the stress of the IF.

I know how hard it is to make this choice, bubbly, truly.  I ultimately couldn't continue to put my body and emotions through the process any longer.  Some days I regret it, but most days I am so relieved that until the day I wake up my period on any given month, I don't even know where I am in my cycle most of the time---I had no idea how obsessed I had become w/ every little tick and tock of my reproductive cycle (or lack thereof, as it turns out).  It is so nice, in the day to day, to just move on. 

I hope you're able to find peace in whichever decision you make.   

JenniC1135

Not sure if this helps, but my 2nd IVF cycle was MUCH easier on me just because everything wasn't new.  I knew what to expect, I knew what the shots would feel like, everything.  And maybe, just maybe, you just had bad luck that first time.  It happens. 

 It's good that you aren't under a time constraint.  I jumped right into my second cycle because I knew it felt right to me.  Hopefully you'll get that feeling when, if ever, the time is right.

mamarazzi

I can't begin to imagine what you're going through and I'm so sorry you and your H are dealing with infertility.

I think, if it were me, I'd give it one more go providing the bloodwork came back with results indicating there was a decent chance at success.  I think the "what if?" would haunt me if I decided not to try one more time -- but that would be it.  Once more.

((hugs)) girl.

jettagurl

Looking back, I really have no idea what I would do.... We almost were one & done, because Ben was born with a CHD which required open-heart surgery @6 mos.  I was so afraid of going thru that again.  

When we decided to go for #3, we did decide that we wouldn't do any intervention.  Knowing what I know now...we probably would have just adopted #3.  My third pregnancy led to reuniting with a 3rd cousin that was matched with a birthmom pg with twins.....so had I known then what I know now about adoption, the number of babies in need of a loving home, and the bond that she has formed with all 3 of her adopted children, we likely would have done that.  If we ever decide to expand our family in the future we will go that route.  

I agree with Mel - nothing is is worth risking your marriage and your family. W needs you to be able to be Mom all the time, and you deserve to enjoy him/your H.  I think you should set a limit, and stick to it.  Maybe agree to one more round, and if that doesn't work to have a back up (adoption/foster/surrogate).

I really wish you all the best, and hope the blood work is promising.  Hugs to you.  

Rebekah1021

(((Hugs))) This totally blows.

I have no advice, but I feel your pain and want to make it better somehow. What does your DH say or how does he feel? I guess those would be the bigger issues than the medical ones.

Can you talk to a counselor about it to get your thoughts/fears out in the open?

ridesbuttons

Honestly, if it were me, I wouldn't do it.  Aside from the toll it is taking on you now (physically, emotionally, financially) it might take a toll on you down the road.

Consider other options if you can.

Sorry.

goodheartedmommy

I just wanted to offer hugs.

cooker71

MelandJeff:

I won't pretend to know what your going through, but my gut reaction is to tell you to please, nurture and maintain the family that you do have. If this is going to hurt your marriage, then stop.

I can appreciate your need for another baby, but you have been through hell. If nothing else, pick an end date. And stick to it. The William needs to have his mama and daddy and their full focus.

I love you, and ditto that I will never understand what you have been and are going through, but this. 

Jodi&Joe

This is the cold hard truth and I hope it doesn't come across as offensive but you need to take care of #3 before pursuing anything else.

Do NOT have another baby if there are ANY issues in your marriage.  They will only be compounded by a billion (I AM speaking from experience).  You already know this. 

Focus on fixing your marriage and getting that back on track and then worry about having another baby.  I know, I know....easier said than done.

(FWIW, I have been able to tell that there have been some "issues" just in your posts and "mood" lately and I've been wanting to offer some (((HUGS))) but didn't want to be too "busy body!"    so (((HUGS))) girl!  I hope things start looking up, and soon. You guys are going through a lot right now!!)

 

firefightersgal

I haven't been through IVF, but that is because we made the decision to not invest the money in something that isn't guaranteed.  My OB said that our next step would probably be IVF (skipping IUI).  When that became our next option, we decided to go for adoption. 

I'm still sad that I will probably never be pregnant again.  I still feel my stomach drop when someone announces a pregnancy.  I wonder if I'll always feel that way, but I truly feel that adoption is what we are meant to do.

((hugs)) it all sucks, big time.  I hate being a Bitter Betty about other people's happiness.

cnybride2be

you were already given some great advice to think about.  i just have hugs and good thoughts that you will figure it out.

AnnapolisLari

I'd wait to see the test results.

If they will require a lot more shots and stress, I would probably not do it. Talk to M. Can he handle you on drugs again? How many times? I do think that you need a rest from all of it.

(hugs)

jlw2505

Everyone has had such great things to share.  I have never been in shoes and just send you the best wishes.  Whatever you decide will be the right decision  for your family.  My sister and BIL went through many years of TTC and many, many miscarriages.  They chose to not do any fertility treatments as my sister knew she could not handle the emotional side of it.  They decided to take the adoption route.  After about 18 months, they adopted their 1st daughter from China.  While in the process of adopting #2, they found out they were pregnant and by some miracle, had a very healthy daughter.  They finalized the 2nd adoption about 9 months later (her 2 youngest are 8 months apart with their biological daughter being the youngest of the 3 girls).  For them, this was the best ending they could have ever dreamed of.  My sister really never thought she would be able to carry a baby to term. 

I have a number of friends who have gone the IVF way and have had success and another friend and family member who went the adoption route  - all have ended up with the families they dreamed of.

 Follow your heart and take your time.

shouldbworkin

I agree with Jodi.  I would at least take some time off and work on focusing on your marriage for the time being and then possibly take another stab at IVF when you feel up to it.  I have to tell you, taking some time off can feel really good.  It's nice to get back to the days when you're blissfully ignorant of the inner workings of your reproductive system for a little bit. GL! (((hugs)))

r9stedt

No advice or opinion.

Just :::hugs:::