What to do about nephew that keeps hurting DDs?

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So I know generally, you don't tell people how to parent their kids. But I think we kind of need to say something to BIL about our nephew, only because it's impacting our DDs.

Our nephew is 2yo and has always been a bit on the wild side. He's becoming increasingly more aggressive. They've always attributed his behavior to "it's a boy thing" and I know some pushing and hitting is somewhat normal in toddler conflicts. But for instance, the last time we saw them, I alone saw him hurt my girls 7 times in a two hour period, and that's just what I witnessed myself! And it's really rough too: tackled DD2 while she was walking, spit on DD1, shoved DD1 down twice, slapped DD1 and hit her on the nose with a remote control car, making her bleed and leaving a mark. There's five grandkids including my own two, and while he hasn't hurt the smaller babies, he'll take toys away from them. It's not just DD1 he's agressive with. For example, I've seen him rip a chunk of hair out of his mom's head, throw a small leather ottomon at his dad and throw toy cars at FIL.

So, their version of discipline is to tell him "we don't hit, we give hugs." No time out or anything. Fine, usually their business, but he's obviously being too rough with our DDs. Its making us not want to be around them, which is hard since they're family. If his parents aren't paying attention or not around, we'll tell him to stop and remove our kids, but we obviously can't discipline him.

We feel like it's getting bad enough that DH should say something to BIL, but is there a tactful way to say something? WWYD in this situation?

ridesbuttons

First of all, I disagree with the 'we obviously can't discipline him' statement.  Of course you can.  It might even sink in more hearing it from someone else.

If my kid was doing any of the above you mentioned, I would hope like hell that an adult would a) put a stop to it and b) tell him categorically that hitting/spitting/shoving is never ok.

FloF9

My DH and I would speak to BIL and wife about the fact that he is singling out my kid.  If nothing is done, then I would be forced to remove myself and my kid(s) from this situation.  I have zero tolerance for this kind of stuff - meaning the lack of parenting. 

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ridesbuttons:

First of all, I disagree with the 'we obviously can't discipline him' statement.  Of course you can.  It might even sink in more hearing it from someone else.

If my kid was doing any of the above you mentioned, I would hope like hell that an adult would a) put a stop to it and b) tell him categorically that hitting/spitting/shoving is never ok.

Well, of course we stop him and tell him it's not ok, but we can't effectively discipline him ie. time out, going home, taking something away, etc.

kelly&paul

I know they are cousins but I would keep them separated. There is a problem there that the parents aren't doing anything about and your daughter is getting hurt in the process. She shouldn't be punished because your bil/sil can't discipline their kid.

ridesbuttons

Again I disagree.  If you are in a setting where this is going on, and you stop it with an explanation in real time, an effective follow up can be something like "until you can play nicely, you need to go play by yourself" or something similar.

Bringing it up to his parents sounds like it will fall on deaf ears.  They must be aware as you mentioned they try to redirect, which can be a very effective method at that age.  What you cannot do is insist that the parents  enage in a method of discipline that you think is appropriate.

If it is of real concern, you are worried about the safety of your children, then by all means avoid common activities with that family.

JOEBunny

Sounds like they haven't really started to parent yet.   I would have no problem picking him up and moving him away from DD whenever he got too aggressive. 

It sounds like he is a normal 2 year old who is just pushing his luck.  We had a boy like this in DD's playgroup.  The other kids called him "No Henry" because he was always being told no for his behavior.  He is 5 now and much better.  Some kids are just harder in this area than others and require a lot more intervention.  If the parents are not doing it, you need to.  Just try to be nice about it.  He is only 2, not 14.  I would not say anything, just be vigilant and try to avoid them, since it is not relaxing to play with kids like that.

shouldbworkin

kelly&paul:

I know they are cousins but I would keep them separated. There is a problem there that the parents aren't doing anything about and your daughter is getting hurt in the process. She shouldn't be punished because your bil/sil can't discipline their kid.

I agree with this.  I would redirect your kids to go play somewhere else and tell your nephew that they can't play together until he can be gentle.  I might even pick up his arm and stroke it gently so that he starts to understand what the word means.  I would sit with your girls while they play to protect them and when he comes up to them again I'd ask him if he's ready to be gentle.  If he starts to get aggressive, move him somewhere else and give him a toy to play with on his own. 

I don't think you can give him a time out, but I do think you can protect your kids and send a message to him that he will get no where by continuing to exhibit unacceptable behavior, without coming out and saying it to him or your ILs.  Eventually, he will learn that if he want to play with his cousins, he has to do it nicely.

ak1234

bellabeck:

<snip>But for instance, the last time we saw them, I alone saw him hurt my girls 7 times in a two hour period, and that's just what I witnessed myself! And it's really rough too: tackled DD2 while she was walking, spit on DD1, shoved DD1 down twice, slapped DD1 and hit her on the nose with a remote control car, making her bleed and leaving a mark. There's five grandkids including my own two, and while he hasn't hurt the smaller babies, he'll take toys away from them. It's not just DD1 he's agressive with. For example, I've seen him rip a chunk of hair out of his mom's head, throw a small leather ottomon at his dad and throw toy cars at FIL.<snip>

 

I, too, disagree that you can't discipline your nephew when it comes to your girls.  The first three things, he would have gotten a time out (which may have been in my lap) or removed from the situation...the hitting her with the car...it would have disappeared until it was time for him (or us) to go.

My SIL/BIL would just be pissed at me, but he is hurting your girls and that isn't acceptable.

If you don't have the balls/gumption/nerve/whatever to discipline your nephew when he hurts your kids, just keep them separated, and tell your ILs why.

PS - if my DS was doing this type of stuff to my two nieces, there is NO WAY I would want my SIL to just NOT say anything to him.

NewNameSameGame

no, no, no, no, no you cannot tell them they aren't parenting the right way, no matter how you say it its going to sound like you are better parents and you judge them.  Do not do it...believe me!! its not going to be bad.

You CAN interject when its happening and remove him from the situation, or your girls.

The thing is, boys are SOOOO different and he doesn't sound out of control or anything, he sounds like a 2 year old boy....trust me, it doesn't mean he's not being parented just because he acts differently than your girls, it just means your girls have different personalities.

Teach your oldest some words to say when he's hurting her.."I don't like that, please stop." or whatever.  And be there to seperate them as needed.

i just don't think there is ANY way you can tell ANY parent they aren't parenting good enough without it coming out bad or even if you say it nice, its going to sound bad to them.

Do.Not.Do.It!!!!

NewNameSameGame

also, I agree with everyone else that you CAN discipline the kid during the moment and for your daughter's sake you MUST...otherwise they will think that behavior is acceptable..."Mommy doesn't care when cousin does it!" Unless they are right there and stopping it themselves, you need to step in and let him know that you don't find it ok for him to act like that.

Littlejen22

You cannot take him home but you can make it clear that if their child hurts your child that you are not going to be around him and that you will leave.  I know it is hard but you are protecting your child from physically harmed and also from learning horrible behavior.  I would have your DH talk to him before Christmas to tell him that since the kids will be together that he needs to talk about nephew's aggression towards your kids (I would not mention how it affects other kids) and that something needs to change b/c your kids are getting hurt by him.  And unfortunately you will need to watch your kids like hawks and stop anything that happens and tell BIL or SIL when it happens and ask them for "help".