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Am I over-reacting or is there more to it? Sorry, long.
Old member gone anonymous for obvious reasons yada yada yada...
DH is a professor at a good university. We've been married 8 years now. We've never really had any marital issues. The odd bicker like any pair of adults under the same roof.
He has a PhD student who had lots of problems with her previous advisor. Basically his wife was a psycho who used to think they were having an affair (and had that issue with previous students too) and used to stalk her, sit all day in his office, make crank calls, that kind of thing.
DH had been her sounding board through the process and had asked me for advice at various points.DH was supportive but kind of groaned privately that she was a bit of a handful and not doing much work because of it all.
At the end after she transferred DH organized for her to spend a semester at his old university to get away from it and get some work done (with some old colleagues of his). She declined all his suggestions (which were mine and he said they were mine) about childcare and transport, general living type stuff. It was after all my hometown! Hey I don't care that she declined it, but I'm not surprised she hated the semester as a result of all the different ways she made her life more difficult. S
till, he spoke a bit about her daughter who is DS's age and that she was managing on her own since her husband was overseas for work for a year. I suggested a playdate and he thought it was a good idea, but the response came back "I don't do playdates" which I thought was a bit snotty really, she could have put it more tactfully.
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. DH came home and said that she had invited him to a playdate with DS and her DD at the museum. I was taken aback that she suddenly wanted a playdate and more taken aback that she hadn't said "your family" or "your wife and kids" or something. Sure DD is a newborn and I probably would have declined but still. I did ask DH and he was sure she hadn't included us but thought that was just because she hadn't met me. Well there has to be a first time right?
So I said I wasn't very comfortable with it because it wasn't a very tactful invite but I wouldn't stand in the way of DS having a playdate. We don't have many friends with kids and he's had a hard time adjusting to DD. DH came home from work, collected DS, took him in near work to the museum and brought him home afterwards. He could of course have taken me and DD as well.
But then a week later the student invited him for another playdate with DS and her DD. This time I was more adamant I thought it was inappropriate. He said it was very hard to broach the subject but he tried with the student and she claimed he got the message wrong and he should have assumed I was invited. I think particularly given her history with the other advisor she should have been explicit. And I had queried it with DH at the time and he'd quoted her and it didn't seem to me that I should assume I was invited.
So the playdate was a Friday and after it we had a big talk about it and I was quite upset that he didn't handle it better and just respond to the invitation with "well I'll see if we're free" or "I assume this is an invite for all the family". He apologised for not seeing that I would be hurt. On the Saturday DH was due to go to another city for a conference. With a small group of academics. Including the student. So they'd be in a small town in the same hotel for 3 nights and working all day together as well (kid free, she left her kid with her mother).
I had an awful time those 3 days and am still very hurt and angry both about the original playdates and the fact he didn't mention she was going to the conference when we had that issue. He said he knew I'd just be upset. Well d'oh!
Am I being an idiot in believing him that nothing's going on and its all just tactless idiocy?
I have zero evidence, and I've always trusted DH completely on the faithfulness thing. But I feel like if I said it out loud to someone else they'd say "you're a fool, of course he's screwing her".
WDYT?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Am I over-reacting or is there more to it? Sorry, long.
If you're not okay with it, he needs to respect that. I think the situation is quite bizarre. I don't think it's necessarily a given that he's having sex with h, i just think he needs to be more considerate of your feelings.
And your "s" in organize and merrylegs name was a dead giveaway on your identity.
Snap GHM.
Anyway I guess my point is, is that kind of social norm is usual? I can't imagine a PhD student doing that when I was one.
And DH has just come from the private sector so I don't think he really has a clue.
OK I think you're overreacting. And I thought that before I figured out who you were (didn't figure it out until GHM said it... probably because I grew up with those spellings
).
Doesn't sound to me like he has any interest in her. Sounds like she might be a bit off though.
Your DH seems more clueless than guilty. The woman, however, seems like she knows exactly what she is doing. She's trouble. Even if your DH doesn't see this as a potential problem for your marriage, he ought to wise up and realie what the rumors will do to his career. And trust me, if the rumors haven't started yet, they will.
(also, did you even TRY to hide your identity? LOL)
ok - that's what I was trying to say
Ditto this exactly!
Liam is 5!
Another vote for clueless and I have a clueless DH too. With that being said, I do point out to him when other women are being inappropriate with him (it's happened 2-3x, usually just a waitress flirting with him but it has happened at work recently too). I've told him I'm uncomfortable, that the woman is being inappropriate and that I expect him to tell her that all inappropriate behavior needs to stop immediately (when it happened at work, he'd already told her to stop). I know MH is just trying to be nice and not cause issues, but he doesn't understand that the other person has overstepped her boundaries. But, I'm suspicious of any person who approaches a married person of the opposite sex to be friends when they're not interested in meeting and getting to know their spouse. Obviously, not a friend of the marriage in that case and I find that suspicious. It's not that I don't trust MH, I just don't trust other people.
But, you've told YH you're uncomfortable and he was receptive, so I would trust him. I would just keep the lines of communication open about it, moreso to keep him out of trouble b/c that lady just sounds like trouble to me.
Tritto. And for what it's worth, I've haven't the faintest clue who you are (except that you are not American).
A professor probably shouldn't be hanging out with his PhD student quite so much. Even if it's innocent, it can be construed differently.
The rest of the stuff is just confusing to me, not sure why you care about what she did in your hometown or your suggestions, etc.
I just want to know how you people know who this is. And who is it?!
If your radar is up, it's up for a reason (unless you regularly are one of those "My husband isfucking anything that walks" kind of girls!). Tell to cut all contact w/this girl, regardless of how it makes HER feel. Your his wife, YOUR feelings are more important. Or should be anyway.
My thoughts are a combination of 4speedy and Shopgirl_07.
DS - December 2006
DD - December 2008
Thank you!
I should have known from the length of the post. LOL
I don't know what it's like for academia, but in many organizations, there isn't fraternization outside of work between supervisors and employees. Harsh? Perhaps. But then situations like this don't arise that cause issues in the workplace between superiors and subordinates. Don't get me wrong, it is a harsh way of looking at life and not usually fair, but in this case, it's warranted.
My issue w/ her is that she should NEVER be alone w/ your DH for this reason: because women like that, if scorned (and yes, him saying then can't play together is a rebuff in her mind), will do anything to "make him pay." For that reason alone, I'd say no more playdates. Because she can say anything to anyone w/ no witnesses. to A friend of my BFF's was just arrested, then the charges dropped over a woman scorned. For his professional life, he needs to stop, now.
Christmas 2011
It's just flat our weird that he has this type of relationship with a STUDENT. Just because she's not a teen and he's not a high school teacher, does this make it better. Teachers don't have relationships like this with students. Period.
I bet if you were to contact the school and ask that this would be frowned on.
Snoop, snoop, snoop...
The fact that DH is at a playdate with a mom wouldn't bother me (if you do truly trust him). The fact that he's a teacher and out with a student would be the red flag for me. People talk, he could get fired. She can talk, make up sh*t, it'd end up being his word vs her word and he'd probably be screwed. Even if he won, there'd always be doubt.
I'd confront him from that point of view; that his career could be in jeopardy and not from the "you're not comortable' standpoint since he's probably clueless like everyone else has suggested.
This. And her history makes it double weird. I'd be suspicious.
Nora Judith 7/2/06 Miles Chauncey 4/20/09 born with Trisomy 21 - Down syndrome
I wouldn't have gone on a playdate with any of the male professors during my stay in grad school. I did I have one female professor that I would consider. I really don't like hanging out with guys (that are not MH) for playdates. They don't talk about mom things...but I guess if I were interested in banging a professor, I would...
She sounds pretty innocent to me. I'm usually the one that thinks, "Clueless (but arrogant) husband. Manipulative b*tch." But, just based on your story, it sounds like she's being clueless too.
In this situation, I would be annoyed with your H. He should respect how you feel. People have boundaries, and even if you disagree with them or think them unreasonable, in a mutually respectful relationship, both people should carefully consider the impact on the other's feelings. Feelings are meant to be a little unreasonable sometimes.
Also, your H has already crossed a boundary of appropriate behavior between a prof and student, and he is surely aware of that. The fact that he was willing to cross that line, and also chose to interpret her invitations as for him only, shows that even if he has no real intentions of acting on it, he is willing to be flattered (or self-flattered) into inappropriate situations. To me, that's always a red flag. If he is being clueless, he's being deliberately so, and that makes him an *ss.