WWYHD?

UGAbride

That's "what would you have done?" because I already responded   Just wondering if I made the right decision.  Now I have to preface this by saying that in my circle of friends, every baby is celebrated, and showers/sprinkles/lunch/whatever is done no matter what # baby...

I'm pregnant with my 3rd, and it is our first girl, so everyone is super-excited to buy pink   I used to be/still am (?) in a playgroup of kids started when DS #1 was less than a year old, so it's been about 3 years.  I threw showers for 4 of the girls a couple years ago when they all had their 2nd babies (my 2nd baby was born about a year earlier, so they didn't throw me one since we hadn't been friends that long, but they did attend another one thrown for me which was of course fine).  Anyhow, several of the girls became very close friends of mine, and I did host 4 baby showers that summer. 

Now over the past year, I had a falling out with one of those girls, and it has gotten progressively worse (she and I do not speak anymore, and it's been really horrible for me...she's spread rumors that I've lied about things, etc, and I've just done my best to fly under the radar and stay away, defending myself has been pointless).  For a while, I was still friends with everyone else in the group, while they also maintained their friendship with this girl.  It was awkward, but it worked for about 6 months...until about 3 months ago when it kinda seemed like the rest of the group turned on me.  When I tried to ask girls individually if everything was ok, they all assured me it was, but my kids and I have basically been shut out.  It's been extremely painful for me, and hard to move on because we see them at preschool all the time and my boys want to play with their friends...hard to explain to a 3 year old that we aren't invited anymore   Anyway, I've tried to accept that I just don't understand fully what has happened, and to just move on.  I'm still friendly when I see them, but we are not invited to most things anymore. 

Anyway, 2 of the girls I was closest to emailed me today and offered to throw me a baby shower.  The email was very nice, but I feel like they offered out of obligation.  Of course, they didn't even have to do that since we are not nearly as close, and I do genuinely appreciate the gesture.  They are throwing one for another girl due a week after me, so I am thinking they realized they pretty much "had" to offer to not seem cold-hearted.  However, I would never want a baby shower thrown out of obligation, and I truly don't think many people in the group (there are 11 of us), would even attend.  It would be weird to invite people that don't speak to me, but I'd also hate to leave anyone out on my behalf.  I am having 2 other showers thrown for me anyway (neighbors, and college girlfriends), so I declined.  I am thinking they'll be relieved, but hopefully they won't take it as me "alienating myself" or whatever I have been accused of in the past in an effort to protect myself and my kids by the girl I had the falling out with.  I did say I'd love to have lunch with the 2 of them sometime to celebrate, so I hope they'll understand my position.  Ugh, I have never had this kind of girly drama in my life before, and it has put such a damper on the early part of this pregnancy since I was so upset about everything.  I do genuinely like these girls, but do not trust them (they both, however perhaps innocently, made things a lot worse for me with the other girl and wouldn't stand up for me). 

Anyway, would you have turned it down (regardless of your feelings about a shower for a 3rd baby, it's irrelevant to this situation)?  I second-guess myself a lot with this crowd since I can't figure out fully what happened to make it so bad in the first place...

Sorry so long!!

 

jettagurl

I think you did the right thing - and think I would have done the same.  

I hate girlfriend drama, and I think you are doing the best to distance yourself.  I mean, you have to protect yourself - one girl can only take so much hurt, right?!?  I had a friendship similarly - no real reason, but then once so wanted to restart it (after she got divorced) I just decided that it wasn't something I wanted to open myself up to.  

GL, and hugs...it really sucks to lose friends, and I've heard you mention this before - so I'm sure its really hard on you.

cnybride2be

I think you did the right thing in turning down the shower.  you said yourself you didn't want it out of obligation, and yet the whole relationship with these folks sounds somewhat obligatory. 

life is too busy and full of good things to come (congratulations!) to focus on anything but the good.  you declined the shower graciously by offering to meet up for lunch. sounds like a great way to rekindle a true friendship with the lady who offered if you do indeed meet up.  but, afterall, I wouldn't overthink it; you're just about to get even busier than you probably already are.  The people who you know are there for you, you never have to have these second thoughts about.  They are a part of the good things to focus on. 

i know probably easier said than done.  i hope you enjoy the rest of this pg. 

jesssy1204

I think you did the right thing. I would have done the same. I think a lunch with the other girls will be nice, or invite them to one of the two showers you are having! Sorry to hear things have been so hard. GL congrats on baby (girl) #3

UGAbride

Thanks for the feedback, always nice to be validated   I have been trying really hard to pull myself out of this funk, b/c I do have many, many friends to be thankful for that have been a part of my life for a lot longer than they have, and whatever has truly happened here has just gone beyond my control.  After several heartbreaking conversations with these 2 girls in particular, it's just easier on my sanity for us to not force our friendship past general friendliness, much as I miss what we used to have.