Advice Needed: Approached about adopting

jillcanada

Last night at a school event (I'm a teacher), a parent approached me. She had several m/cs and understands what I'm going through with my losses, so the following conversation was not out of place. She asked me if we were considering adoption (she's adopted 3, has two of her own now too), and apologized if she was being rude, but she had a friend in Alaska who has an 18 daughter who is now 20 weeks pregnant and ready to give the baby over to adoptive parents. She wondered if we'd be interested in a private adoption. Ummm...yes, (!) but DH is still sure we'll get pregnant successfully on our own. He wasn't ready when we started to talk about it a few months ago, and I'm giving him time and getting ready to see a new doctor; however, I'm ready to give my body and rest and give this child a home. How do I talk to DH about this? Any advice?

GuppyAmy

Wow, that's very exciting! I would tell him the story and see what he says. Even if you adopt doesn't mean you can't keep trying on your own, right?

ColleenS629

GuppyAmy:

Wow, that's very exciting! I would tell him the story and see what he says. Even if you adopt doesn't mean you can't keep trying on your own, right?

This. Also, you might want to bring up the fact that, if you pass up this offer and decide to adopt later, it could take a while to be matched. GL! 

ColindaP

I'm going to be a Debbie Downer and say that you and your husband both need to be 100% committed to going the adoption route before doing so. If your husband is not there yet, the bargaining chip to convince him should not be simply that there may be a baby available for you to adopt. You guys need to be set on adoption because that's a path you want to go down, not because there's an opportunity.

And I'd caution that a lot can change in the next 20 weeks, and it wouldn't be unheard of for a teenage mom to decide to parent at the last minute.

I don't mean for this to come across as harsh, at all, and I am absolutely not judging you for wanting this opportunity and wishing your husband were on board. My brothers are adopted, and I think because of that I tend to be both more realistic about the realities of adoption (i.e. a birth mom changing her mind), and also overprotective of the process (i.e. just because the opportunity exists doesn't mean it's right). 

michrocc

That is exciting! I agree with Colinda, though, and think you and your DH need to have a big convo about a lot of things before you could even think of moving forward in a solid way. I know this can work (I've seen women have success with this on the Adoption board) but a lot can happen, too, in the meantime. Even if this doesn't work out, it's great that the two of you are thinking about these things if your heart and head are really in this (my DH and I have been talking a lot about this, too). I hope this doesn't come across as rude or mean - please know I don't mean it in that way - but it might be good to start practicing positive adoption language. I know you most likely didn't mean it (and I've been guilty of it, too, and only know because of our research into adoption, but you don't want to say that your friend has "two children of her own." All of her children, adopted or not, are her own. It might seem nitpicky, but I think it's important. I wish you nothing but the best!

jillcanada

michrocc:

That is exciting! I agree with Colinda, though, and think you and your DH need to have a big convo about a lot of things before you could even think of moving forward in a solid way. I know this can work (I've seen women have success with this on the Adoption board) but a lot can happen, too, in the meantime. Even if this doesn't work out, it's great that the two of you are thinking about these things if your heart and head are really in this (my DH and I have been talking a lot about this, too). I hope this doesn't come across as rude or mean - please know I don't mean it in that way - but it might be good to start practicing positive adoption language. I know you most likely didn't mean it (and I've been guilty of it, too, and only know because of our research into adoption, but you don't want to say that your friend has "two children of her own." All of her children, adopted or not, are her own. It might seem nitpicky, but I think it's important. I wish you nothing but the best!

Absolutely. I get the wording is wrong now that I look it over! I typed it out rather excitedly and quickly. And adoptive parents isn't correct either, everyone is a parent no matter how the child was conceived. Sorry if it offends anyone, and thank you for pointing this out.

jillcanada

ColindaP:

I'm going to be a Debbie Downer and say that you and your husband both need to be 100% committed to going the adoption route before doing so. If your husband is not there yet, the bargaining chip to convince him should not be simply that there may be a baby available for you to adopt. You guys need to be set on adoption because that's a path you want to go down, not because there's an opportunity.

And I'd caution that a lot can change in the next 20 weeks, and it wouldn't be unheard of for a teenage mom to decide to parent at the last minute.

I don't mean for this to come across as harsh, at all, and I am absolutely not judging you for wanting this opportunity and wishing your husband were on board. My brothers are adopted, and I think because of that I tend to be both more realistic about the realities of adoption (i.e. a birth mom changing her mind), and also overprotective of the process (i.e. just because the opportunity exists doesn't mean it's right). 

Colinda, I appreciate your honesty and did not take it has harsh, just reality. DH is adopted, and MIL and I have discussed how long it took for them to adopt. One step at a time.

Cissi64

I would still tell him about the opportunity.  As PP said, you don't need to rush into the situation just because there may be a baby available but it may be a good way to start the conversation about adoption.  Even if he were on board today, you might not be able to get your homestudy and all the paper work done in time for this baby.  Sometimes a temporary custody thing can be worked out but the more you can havefin order by the law the better.

I agree with PP about positive adoption language.  I have 3 children who came to us through foster-to-adopt and 1 biological child.  I don't mind the term "adoptive parents" but when people say something to me about my "own child" I get angry.  They have all been  my "own" since the day  I first met them even though the first three were fosters and there was always the possibility of them being returned right up until parental rights were terminated. 

damabo80

I would def tell him about the opportunity, lay it out on the table. I agree with Colinda, that DH should not be "coaxed" into it, but I still think that it's important that he know the pros and cons of possibly moving forward with adoption.

Even if he's not toally on board with it, you guys may still want to do the homestudy and read up on the process. That way, if you are both 100% on board with it later, you won't need to scramble to try to get everything done in time. And, if if this adoption doesn't work out (either because you both aren't 100% commited at the time, or b/c the BM changes her mind), then at least you'll have the basics in place (homestudy, lawyer lined up, etc) if you decide you want to explore this path later.

A side note, domestic infant adoptions through an agency can run $25k-$40k+. Finding your "own" BM will slash those costs down to a fraction.

But, if both of you get on board, it's super important to get a lawyer and draw up a contract with the BM of exactly what you will pay for, and what you won't.

Good luck with whatever you decide!!!