trying to be considerate of a TTC friend

far_more_than_rubies

This weekend we are meeting up in Chicago w/ DS's godparents.  They are really great "Couple friends" of ours, but we live 3 hours away from one another-so we don't get together often.  The wife has been a good friend of mine for 9 years, and her DH gets along perfectly with my DH.

We do not talk nearly as much as we used to, just due to our busy schedules I guess.  But also, this friend has been TTC for over 2 years unsuccessfully.  I know that it has been very disappointing to her, and she even carries a baby sock in her purse to remind her that one day it will be worth all of the trouble.  I love my friend dearly, and I have really tried hard to not talk about this pregnancy with her beyond her questions.  I think back to how hard it was after our loss to deal with pregnant people and I am just always worried that I will be a reminder to her that she is not pregnant.  I have not seen her since late August-- and now I am very noticeably pregnant.  I'm so looking forward to spending time with her this weekend, but I'm so nervous about my bel being the elephant in the room.  I do not know what her doctors have told her, or what she has tried really.  Once I emailed her about Clomid and just encouraged her to ask her doctor to help her make a plan (this was before I was pregnant) and she never responded.  I respect her privacy, but I just feel so helpless towards her.  I want to help her, but I don't want to overstep, and I also know that I personally never really wanted "advice" from someone who was pregnant when I couldn't be.

 Any advice on how to handle this weekend? 

DowagerCountessofNJ

It sounds like you're already being a considerate friend.  I'm sure she realizes you'll have a belly.  I'd keep up with only talk about the pregnancy if she asks and keeping it specific to the questions she asks.  Also, make sure DH understands so he doesn't bring it up out of the blue.

spincat9

I think you're already on the right track by empathizing and remembering when you were struggling with pregnant people after your loss.  That said, I'm sure it's in your friend's mind already that you could/will be noticably pregnant, and she may be agonizing over how to act in front of you (ironically) so she can be "happy" for you even if she's hurting.  Personally I think your approach of don't discuss unless she asks a question is probably the safest bet.  And I would try to have lots of questions for them (not baby-related) to keep them engaged and talking so they realize you aren't going to just sit there and talk about your pregnancy the whole time.  Who knows, maybe they'll have really great news to share with you!  Either way, I hope you have a wonderful time catching up.

damabo80

I wouldn't bring up the belly/PG unless she does. She'll probably throw a few polite questions your way about it...I would say, keep the answers simple and to the point. No need to

And honestly, unless you've been in the IF boat (like drugs, IUI/IVF, RE, getting follie checks), you probably don't want to offer advice to her. I remember after IUI #3 (BFN) getting "advice" from a FH friend that she knew a friend who got KUed on Clomid. I about laughed in her face, as in her mind all IF could be cured by a tiny pill.

kermiefrg

It's sweet of you to think about her feelings and that means a lot to someone going through IF.  I was in her position only a few days ago so I know exactly how horrible it feels to be around anyone PG or any baby talk.  If it were me, I would hope my friend would not bring up babies unless I did first.  The best thing you can do is be a good friend and be supportive, but don't try to offer fertility advice like PP said.  One day she will hopefully be in your position and you can chat about that stuff.