1 Happy Birthday song, 2 phone calls, multiple apologies later

winery

And my mom is no longer mad at me. I called her after I talked to my dad and asked how her birthday was yesterday, what she did and so forth.

She was very abrupt on the phone, simply answering my questions, then said she had to go and hung up.

So I waited a few hours and called again. Same thing, but put her on speaker and had DS sing "Happy Birthday" to her.

She started crying and said that it "made her day" and she was so happy.

So, all is better.

But, it's the extremes that annoy me so.

Her being SO mad that I didn't call yesterday and then sobbing with happiness while DS sings to her.

Perhaps I'm emotionless but I don't vacillate between extremes of emotions like that.

Halo79RN

perhaps you are emotionless and she needs prozac. ??? 

either way, 2 minutes of joy for her.  simple.  

glad all is well (for now).  

winery

Thank you.

All is okay, for now.

Yodajo was right.  I spent way more time making her okay than it would have taken me yesterday.  Lesson learned.  But, JDD is right in that I've reached my end with her, so I'm not as considerate as I might have been 15 years ago.

And she's on meds. 

-emotionless winery.

r9stedt

This was going to be a damned if you do, and a damned if you don't situation.

You would have been damned if you did because you didn't make it a big ENOUGH deal.

You were damned if you didn't, because you didn't make it a deal at all.

Next year you know  

winery

PMQ:

You and I don't always see eye to eye on things but I can totally relate to this and why it hit a nerve with you. It's easy for people to say "just call your mother on her birthday, what's wrong with you?" but when you're dealing with a woman with a HUGE backstory and mental health issues it's just not that simple.

Exactly.

I can come up with a million excuses as to why I didn't call yesterday.  Or why I didn't get around to walking the card out to the post box. 

I didn't do it to intentionally upset her but I wasn't making a major effort to *not* either.

Also, this is what I like most about this board.  You and I don't see eye to eye on some things, and there's probably been a few good snarks between us, but when something comes up and there is common ground, we're adult enough to address it. 

Thanks for your support. 

DandR

You aren't emotional-less...clearly this situation bugged you.

Glad she's over her temper tantrum for today!  hopefully the holidays go smooth for everyone!

KoriBrett

My FIL is much the same. ?He has the mentality of an 8 year old half the time so we're constantly listening to him talk about (in babytalk) how LONG it's been since he saw his precious babies and how MEAN we are for keeping them from him. ?Dude, it was 4 days ago.

So, yeah. ?I spend a lot of time making sure the 8 year old FIL is appeased so we can continue with our damn day. ?

*hugs*

Jodi&Joe

You will learn that you cannot control her actions, only your reaction.

Clearly it bugs you that she was bugged.  To avoid that, you call and wish her a happy birthday.  Or, you don't.  But you KNOW that this was going to be the ramifications of that.  I know you know that.  You have dealt with it long enough.

At some point, YOU have to decide what is right for you.  if it's to not put any effort forth in to your relationship with your mother, so be it.  I, personally, would cut the passive aggressive BS, have a conversation with her and tell her that you aren't feeling overly obligated to go out of your way to wish her a happy birthday b/c of XYZ.  She won't admit to any of it, she won't understand it and she will play the victim.  BUT, at least you are done "playing the game" with her.  Because that is what is going on here -- whether you will admit or not --- is that you are playing a game with her.  You KNEW this would tick her off and rather than take 5 minutes out of your day to wish her a happy birthday, you are now dealing with your dad calling you making you feel guilty.

In the end, you have to do what's right for you.  And maybe you aren't at the point where you are ready to tell her "how it is" (in the nicest, least demeaning, most effective way possible).  And that's ok.  That takes time.  But in the meantime, you are only going to waste your energy pissing yourself off by pissing her off.  This isn't a test --- she's already failed that.  My best advice -- move on! 

(((HUGS))

Yodajo

You know my mom and I have had our share of problems, so I do understand where you are coming from. I also understand the consequences when things like this happen and that is where I was speaking from. You did the right thing in calling. Always better to not have any regrets and it sounds like you made her day.

lsufan

I have the same issues with my mom.  I would never hear the end of it if I didn't at least call on her birthday (or Mother's Day).  I can understand being a little hurt in that situation (I would, too), but she would be completely out of control expressing her disappointment.  I'm 32, and I'm still trying to figure out when I should stand my ground with my parents and when I should just do what they want.  A birthday call is something I should do anyway, so I go along with it.  It takes some of the fun out of it, though.  It's less about me genuinely wishing her a happy birthday, and more about me covering my ass so I don't get an angry phone call.