confession

mdhealy676

For the past 13 years since college, my girlfriends and I get together every year for a "cookie swap."  No husbands, no kids, just the girls for an entire night.  It's gotten to be less about the cookies and more about the getting together, drinking wine, and just having fun.  Last year was an emotional one for us as we had lost one of our "tribe" to lung cancer in the spring.  I was so looking forward to making this a happy year by announcing my pg.  So the potential for another emotional gathering, at least for me. 

Anyway, 3 of the 5 girls know about both of my losses.  I'm not as close to the other 2 so I'm not sure if they know.  One of those girls just got married in October and I know she wanted to start TTC right away.  It would be early for her to make an announcement but I think I'll have a meltdown if she does.  Everyone else had kids in roughly the order they got married so I feel like it's my turn first.  We can't even start trying again until January. 

I know that's totally irrational and it's not a competition but what about so many of the things we feel associated with m/c make sense, right?  Prime example--when I got my first BFP in June and read the stats saying 1 in 5 pg ends in m/c I thought about this group of girls.  Between all of us, there are 4 children and as far as I know, were only 4 pregnancies so I immediately started worrying that I was going to prove the stats true as the 1 in 5.  Turns out it was true but I know it wasn't what caused the loss.

Thanks for listening.  Sometimes it feels better just to get this stuff off my chest.  If I at least acknowledge the feelings, maybe they won't knock my feet out from under me if it happens. 

 

vitan

No, I completely understand. Awhile back, my SIL and I did not get along and my worst fear at the time was her announcing she was pregnant before me. Granted, they've been married a lot longer than we have but I didn't want to have to deal with that mess. We're women, we're competitive. Sometimes with the worst intentions but sometimes with the best intentions. I actually talked to my DH about this fear and of course he told me I was nuts and talked me out of it. Then SIL and I made up and so it was cool. Then I got my positive test and I was excited for Christmas when we would tell the families. At the time, I was not aware of how common m/c were and didn't think it would happen to me though my hcg numbers were kinda prepping me for the possibility.Then it lost the pregnancy and I'm still debating on whether we should tell DH's family.

So I completely understand your confession and fear. I am sorry about you losing your friend, especially at such a young age.