Need In-law advice very long...

jgengo0

As I have previously mentioned on this board, my in-laws are horrible. Dh's mom is an extreme alcoholic and his father is a pot head. MIL made up horrible  lies about me and spread them to everyone in DH's family extended family before I got a chance to know them.

Apparently I think I am better than everyone else because I rarely drink, I am catholic and wear nice clothes....Anyways, the situation has only gotten worse. DH begged me to go on vacation to Canada with his rents hoping it would turn over a new leaf. It made matters worse. FIL literally screamed and swore at me in the woods in front of DH telling me I had a horrible attitude problem and I am a stuck up *** (sorry I don't want to have happy go lucky conversations with people who I know can't stand me and have expressed that very clearly to DH and myself. MIL got so drunk she feel over the portable toilet and could not get up. I do not have much to say to people like this)  AND he was "sick of cleaning up my sh!t" I took out a bag of potato chips for lunch and he put them away as soon as I put them on the table. These people literally make things up out of thin air.

Dh's grandma and grandpa (who are wonderful) informed us last night that they have not spoken to them since a few weeks ago when the in-laws started ranting about me being pregnant and how bad they feel for DH....DH's grandparents told them they have a major problem and need some professional counseling, as there is no reason for them to feel like this.  FIL told his father "F you and F off" Classy isn't it?  MIL threw the birthday card FIL's parents gave FIL for his birthday at DH's grandma's face and cut her cheek. ...

I told DH, and he agrees, that they will NEVER see our children. IF they hate me that much there is no way I want them around my kids. Their volatile attitude is a whole other story....

Finally the question part. Do we inform the In-laws now that they will not be a part of our childrens' lives or, go with DH's plan and tell them as soon as they mention visiting the babies. My thought is that we should tell them now so there are no surprises. I don't want MIL to say anything like oh they just wanted presents out of us and then cut us out.  Thoughts?

susieandmarty

i cannot imagine this situation.  how were they at your wedding?

i would be like you - i would want to be proactive - you do not want anyting from them, but they will not be a part of the lives of your grandchildren.  if other family members have concerns, you can address those issues as they arise, but as for the cut off - i would do it now

jgengo0

susieandmarty:

i cannot imagine this situation.  how were they at your wedding?

i would be like you - i would want to be proactive - you do not want anyting from them, but they will not be a part of the lives of your grandchildren.  if other family members have concerns, you can address those issues as they arise, but as for the cut off - i would do it now

The wedding is a whole other story...I have so many stories about these people. When we first decided to get married and told them they said they wanted to help out with wedding costs. My father had the money saved since I was little and didn't need the help, but I told them that was very generous and we could meet with my parents and discuss what they wanted to pay for. They agreed and when it was time to sign the contract they said they never agreed to anything..."they weren't going to pay for my fairy tale wedding" My father didn't want them to pay anything in the first place.

MIL started dancing in the isle of the church moments before the wedding  which is what I heard and got very drunk at the reception. Other than that things went smoothly surprisingly.

Thanks for your opinion, I agree it should be done now. 

klv

Thats insane.  Sorry you have to deal with that.  At least you have other family that can see past what your ILs say and can recognize that THEY are the ones who are crazy. 

Cut them off now.  And tell the grandparents that you are doing so and why.  They seem levelheaded.  

Telly21182

Oh my gosh, how horrible!  I agree with you that I'd want to be proactive about your decision rather than have to deal with it when you have the child to look out for.  

Best of luck! 

Sammy1022

wow..... they sound horrible! I wouldn't wish them on anyone. I think the time to tell them depends on whether you would rather deal with the altercation now while your pregnant or after you've given birth and are tired and hormonal. Either way i think your making the right decision to keep them out of your children's lives, it doesn't sound like they deserve it.

babyduejune

Sorry your IL's are so awful   I'll never complain about mine again!  If I were you I'd wait.  It sounds like they're all about the drama so I wouldn't give them any excuse to start some.  Pregnancy is supposed to be a happy time and if you tell them this now, they might make sure you're hearing about it for the next 6 mos or so.  Sounds like they're pretty awful so maybe they won't express interest in even seeing the babies (as hard as it is to imagine ANYONE would be that way).  I'd cross the bridge when you come to it, so to speak.  GL.

ETA- I would avoid them now at all costs.  It sounds like you don't have much contact with them now as it is anyway though?  If they confront you about it, tell them then.

norbert5

You are is such a tough position.  I would do it now.  I would try to be super unemotional about it as well.  I would say for these reasons we are uncomfortable with you being around our children and leave. 

If you wait you will have it hanging over your head your entire pregnancy and then after you have had the babies you will have to deal with it.  You will be more tired and emotional then then you are now.  I would just do it and be done with it. 

Plus, if you tell them now you won't have to worry about the gift thing.  If they do send you a gift then they already know what you and your DH have decided.

Good Luck.  You are in a tough spot but you have to do what you think is best for your family.

pumpkin_head

Wow, they sound special.  Like everyone else said, I would cut it off now.  They are toxic and you don't need to stress out about it while pregnant, and you certainly don't want your kiddos to be exposed to their many issues (especially if they're not even excited about it).  I hope they both get some help in the future and hopefully they'll realize what they're missing out on.

supermom83

Wow.....your in-laws sound like not very nice people at all (that's the nicest way I could put that)...

From what you've said above, I think you have every right to not want your children to be around such negative, foul-mouthed, hateful people like that, even if they are their grandparents.... For someone to throw a birthday card in someones face and cut them with it, I mean come on! And being so drunk that you'd fall over a toilet and not be able to get up?? You wouldn't even expect that out of a college student, but maybe could forgive it then, but from a grown woman with grandchildren on the way....she obviously has a problem and it wouldn't be healthy for your kids to be around her. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I agree with your decision 100% and I think many people would too. 

As far as when to tell them they can't see the babies, I think I would tell them the next time you saw them or the next time you had some kind of contact with them, be it telephone or email or something. Let it be a responds back to something they did. If they start swearing at you again, you can then just say something along the lines of "your words are very hurtful, and I have endured them with as much patience and good-will as I can in respect to my husband, because you are his parents. But I want you both to know that I will not be subjecting my children to your verbal and emotional abuse. I do not want them in such a negative environment, and both DH and I are agreed on this. My babies and I are a package deal, since you can't stand me and respect me enough to not call me names and shout at me and demean me, then you can't be around my children." or something similar to that.....

I imagine they won't be too happy about it and will probably start bad-mouthing you and name-calling, so brace yourself for it, which I'm sure you already are and you're ready for it. But do what your gut tell you to do. I think the sooner they find out the better. 

Baby4OT

supermom83:

As far as when to tell them they can't see the babies, I think I would tell them the next time you saw them or the next time you had some kind of contact with them, be it telephone or email or something. Let it be a responds back to something they did. If they start swearing at you again, you can then just say something along the lines of "your words are very hurtful, and I have endured them with as much patience and good-will as I can in respect to my husband, because you are his parents. But I want you both to know that I will not be subjecting my children to your verbal and emotional abuse. I do not want them in such a negative environment, and both DH and I are agreed on this. My babies and I are a package deal, since you can't stand me and respect me enough to not call me names and shout at me and demean me, then you can't be around my children." or something similar to that.....

I agree with all of this. I'd wait until they contact you about anything and then let them know.

jgengo0

Thank you for all your wonderful advice. I can't tell you how much I appreciate  it. Everyone on my side (family and friends) know the story so it is easy for them to agree with me. I needed give DH a fair shot. 

We are moving to Nashville this next Monday and Dh's mom wanted him to call her when we get there. I think I am going to have him tell them as soon as we are settled in.  As much as I want to call them out and tell them how it will be I really feel DH needs to be the one to do it. Otherwise I know they will tell everyone I made DH do this. I want them to hear it from their "precious" son's mouth.  Hopefully it will work...before we got married DH said if there were more negatives comments he would completely cut them from his life. They have had a year and 3 months to work on it and have obviously made no improvement so now is the time!

rlmanning

I would do it now!

Hang in there, at least DH is being a great Hubby and backing you and not trying to play sides with his parents. You need to be happy you are preggers! Big hugs to you.

kaeladatz

jgengo0:

As I have previously mentioned on this board, my in-laws are horrible. Dh's mom is an extreme alcoholic and his father is a pot head. MIL made up horrible  lies about me and spread them to everyone in DH's family extended family before I got a chance to know them.

Apparently I think I am better than everyone else because I rarely drink, I am catholic and wear nice clothes....Anyways, the situation has only gotten worse. DH begged me to go on vacation to Canada with his rents hoping it would turn over a new leaf. It made matters worse. FIL literally screamed and swore at me in the woods in front of DH telling me I had a horrible attitude problem and I am a stuck up *** (sorry I don't want to have happy go lucky conversations with people who I know can't stand me and have expressed that very clearly to DH and myself. MIL got so drunk she feel over the portable toilet and could not get up. I do not have much to say to people like this)  AND he was "sick of cleaning up my sh!t" I took out a bag of potato chips for lunch and he put them away as soon as I put them on the table. These people literally make things up out of thin air.

Dh's grandma and grandpa (who are wonderful) informed us last night that they have not spoken to them since a few weeks ago when the in-laws started ranting about me being pregnant and how bad they feel for DH....DH's grandparents told them they have a major problem and need some professional counseling, as there is no reason for them to feel like this.  FIL told his father "F you and F off" Classy isn't it?  MIL threw the birthday card FIL's parents gave FIL for his birthday at DH's grandma's face and cut her cheek. ...

I told DH, and he agrees, that they will NEVER see our children. IF they hate me that much there is no way I want them around my kids. Their volatile attitude is a whole other story....

Finally the question part. Do we inform the In-laws now that they will not be a part of our childrens' lives or, go with DH's plan and tell them as soon as they mention visiting the babies. My thought is that we should tell them now so there are no surprises. I don't want MIL to say anything like oh they just wanted presents out of us and then cut us out.  Thoughts?

 

Hey, I sent you a pm about this... 

cvl105

I'm so sorry they are so awful. That's terrible.  It's hard to say what I would do, but I think I would probably wait. Maybe they won't even want to see the kid and you can avoid that headache all together.

Hallil

Personally I would stop talking to/associating with the in laws. I think that if I didn't want my kids around them why on earth would I want to tolerate them? If they want to know why you're distancing yourself explain that your just not comfortable being around them at this time, and with your own family expanding it's an important time for you to be surrounded by supportive people only. I have had some in law issues myself (over the years some very BIG issues) and if I don't want my children around someone I wouldn't just expect that of the child or the in laws, I'd lead by example.

MrsSparklesMcGee

Coming from a similarly disruptive household, I would wait.  They sound like two irrational people and having your husband come out and say this out of nowhere (to them) will send them into hysterics.  I would wait until the next time something happens and then have him explain to them the effect their actions have had.  I doubt it will keep them from freaking out, but that just further emphasizes your point.  Also, this absolutely must come from your husband (preferably without you there).

I am so sorry that you're dealing with this.

musiscout

Wow. DH's grandparents are parents of the mom or dad? They seem like a great allie. I wouldn't tell them outright they can't see the children. Wait until they ask, then keep cancelling and maybe they'll get the point. Do it as you need to do it with telling them. If they just come over, then you'll have to point out that she threw something at Grandma and cut her. That behavior cannot be around LO. Maybe tell them when the grandparents are around. Best wishes. This must be really bothering DH. Poor him that he had to live with them.

sideout510

Oh man..and I thought my MIL was bad!

 Honestly, cut them off now. Seems to me that they haven't been sober enough to think about their grandbabies! *Sorry if that was harsh.* If they have an issue with it..then maybe express your concern with their lifestyle and bringing it around your children. I'd also inform your DH's grandparents, just so your all on the same page.

 I'm soo sorry that you have to go through this. This is the LAST thing you should have to deal with right now. Let us know how everything pans out, we're all here for support!

jgengo0

Thanks again everyone,
The Grandparents are FIL's parents. We have told them what we plan on doing and they are behind us. DH is just afraid to cut them out of his life. I told him that I understand that no matter what they are his parents and he can see them whenever he would like, but I refuse to see them and I refuse to let them see my children. After everything we have been through it is just how it has to be. I feel so bad for DH because he sees how great my parents are. I know it must really hurt him, but he made a choice to marry me and now he has to stand up for me. No two ways about it.

The problem is they DO want to see the babies, because they are DH's babies. They just cant stand me, but want to be a part of the babies' lives. I just can't allow it.  Our family is a packaged deal and I am sick of the abuse.

I will make sure to give an update as soon as we inform them, which will most likely be after Christmas. 

Syncronicity09

I would be straight forward with them now, that way you get any added rama out of the way before the babies come. You dont want to have to deal with them while taking care of new born twins.

I am sorry they are so horrible. I am glad you DH is understanding.

Roni.Cedra

I am so sorry about your ILs they must be just very miserable people. I am so glad that your DH supports you and agrees. Per your question: I think you need to cut it off now. These people sound like they are going to do their best to do their own thing or 'forget' what has been told. I could see surprise visits in the future, and I think you will be reminding them several times over that they are not to have anything to do with you or your baby. 

Again, sorry and hugs to you.