RE: "bad" mothering/parenting choices

Married2MrWright

KShiz posted this in Jaime's BFing thread below:

I was listening to a podcast when H and I were road tripping last month, it was about how mothers in the 50's (or was it 30's?) were told not to touch their children so much because it'll make them sick.  Can you imagine??  It was so polar opposite of what we "know" now, that it sort of made everything about how child obsessed we are make more sense.  It's just the pendulum swinging.  So does that mean that  the way that we parent now is "right"? I doubt it, the answer probably lies somewhere in the middle.

If you have time to listen to a podcast, check out this one:

https://bit.ly/bdYamX , its a This American Life episode called, Unconditional Love. I'm telling you, it'll make your jaw drop when you hear the parenting theories of previous generations. 

It was so timely because since the check-in about "I know it's bad to let LO sleep on my chest..." or other times I've read here "I know I'm bad for feeding LO XYZ..." and countless other times of "I'm bad or it's bad that I..." regarding parenting choices that are really neither bad nor good, wrong nor right. I know it comes from "the experts say..." and myths that are perpetuated between people who have made choices different from our own (it's human nature, I guess, that if I have chosen to do X and you've chosen y, then one is obviously more right than the other...sad, but true), but as KShiz's comments and the link to the podcast above demonstrate...the experts are not always right. And trends come and go.

If we are going to judge parenting choices (our own or others) as bad, let's limit that to ones that are outright abusive or neglectful. And truly, I bet in even many of those cases, the parents are doing the best they can with what they have (knowledge and/or resources)...even if it's not good at all.

For everyone here, on this board, I encourage you to trust your instincts and filter all advice (be it old wives tales, "experts" or even another mama here) and decide what is best for you, your LO and your family. Seriously. It pains me to read a new-mama beating herself up about "creating bad habits" with an infant. I did it to myself when it was obvious that bedsharing was going to be what was best for us.

So I armed myself with information on how to do it safely and even found that there are actually benefits for mama and baby, if it's done safely and by choice (not circumstance, such as "we don't own a crib or pack 'n' play", or "I was so out of it, we just fell asleep on the couch", etc.)

Mothering is so challenging, the last thing we need is to judge ourselves (or others) as being "bad."

KShiz

Married2MrWright:

For everyone here, on this board, I encourage you to trust your instincts and filter all advice (be it old wives tales, "experts" or even another mama here) and decide what is best for you, your LO and your family. Seriously.

Mothering is so challenging, the last thing we need is to judge ourselves (or others) as being "bad."

Couldn't agree more.  I know I broke a ton of "rules" but it was what worked for us and made E happy. 

We're all new at this, we're all just doing our best.  If you read a certain theory or technique in a book and it appeals to you, by all means try it.  If you and your baby enjoy it, awesome!  If not, feel free to toss it out the window.

KShiz

oh...and I really need to update my siggy pic...shish! 

MrsIH

Married2MrWright:

For everyone here, on this board, I encourage you to trust your instincts and filter all advice (be it old wives tales, "experts" or even another mama here) and decide what is best for you, your LO and your family. Seriously. It pains me to read a new-mama beating herself up about "creating bad habits" with an infant. 

Amen Lori, amen!  I couldn't agree with you more.  To be completely honest, I have felt like that on numerous occasions after reading this board.  It's not anyone in particular or anything but after reading something I think, OMG, I should be doing that too or LO isn't doing that yet.  It's become a bit too much so I've just been lurking a bit every few days.  I have learned one thing and that is to do what's best for us and our family and that is what matters the most.  If one child does one thing and another one doesn't, great, each and every child and family is different and you just can't compare  

redshoegirl

I totally agree. I think it also doesn't help that a lot of people (in general, not here) are so unbelievably judgy about the parenting decisions you make and aren't shy to say so. Feed them this, don't feed them that, do this, do that, etc. *sigh*

expatjen

I, too, agree with what everyone else has said.  It's hard being a mother in this day and age, where information (good and not so good) on every subject is at our fingertips and there are people out there (in real life and on the internets) who aren't afraid to tell you what you should and shouldn't be doing. 

My husband's uncle is a pediatrician and he is ALWAYS telling us what we should and shouldn't do for K.  Just the other day we were at their house visiting and he scolded me for not starting K on solids yet.  I nicely told him that we were planning on waiting until K hit the 6 month mark (which is 4 weeks from now).  And he made me feel bad for "waiting so long".  It's just our preference.  K can't sit up unassisted yet and is still putting on the chub with just BM, so we were planning on waiting a few more weeks.  

Well, you should have seen the look on his uncle's face - it was like we told him we were going to starve K for the next few weeks or start feeding him dog food.  Goodness.  Let me say that I couldn't wait till the visit was over! 

SanHawaii08

thanks for the encouragement Lori, and everyone else.  unfortunately, i'm still at a stage where I feel unsure about everything, not sure i can even hear my instincts, much less trust them, and some days, i feel like i'm doing everything wrong and setting LO up for a lifetime of failure   (even though rationally, i *know* that's not the case.)  for someone who has always played by the rules and done what's "best", it's really hard to live in this new world where there is no "best".  but i'm trying to adjust and let go.  it's hard.  and sometimes, MH and I don't agree.  eg, all my feeding questions stem from the fact that I feel like we're feeding E too much; MH doesn't think so.  so we're stuck w/o others' input.  sigh.  i just keep telling myself it will get better...

HappyGoLuckyGal

Well said!

KShiz

SanHawaii08:

thanks for the encouragement Lori, and everyone else.  unfortunately, i'm still at a stage where I feel unsure about everything, not sure i can even hear my instincts, much less trust them, and some days, i feel like i'm doing everything wrong and setting LO up for a lifetime of failure   (even though rationally, i *know* that's not the case.)  for someone who has always played by the rules and done what's "best", it's really hard to live in this new world where there is no "best".  but i'm trying to adjust and let go.  it's hard.  and sometimes, MH and I don't agree.  eg, all my feeding questions stem from the fact that I feel like we're feeding E too much; MH doesn't think so.  so we're stuck w/o others' input.  sigh.  i just keep telling myself it will get better...

Oh K   We all go through that...and if someone says their baby popped out and they knew "exactly" what to do, just know, they're probably lying.

When E was still a wee one, I had these ideas in my head about when she "should" eat, every x # of hours.  It turns out, she couldn't have cared less about what  I had read or about the schedule "I" thought she should be on.

"Letting go" will be the hardest thing you have to do.  As far as schedules go, yeah, E is on a "schedule", but one that she set.  And I don't think that we figured it out until she was several months old. I just started to notice that she was getting tired around the same time, would get fussy if she went x hours w/o eating, etc. Unfortunately, you learn the "schedule" the hard way, through on the job training  

Don't worry about schedules now. Just know that you'll figure it out. You'll get into a rhythm, but only when your baby is ready. 

OH! And something else no one ever told me, as soon as you DO figure out your babies schedule and get into a comfortable routine, it changes! And you start all over   Oh joy! 

One of my aunts gave me one of the best peices of advice I've received, she said, part of the joy of being a mom, is making it easy on yourself.

Go easy on yourself, you'll figure it out. DD is doing the best she can

 

inamra

Heh, I'm guilty of doing this all the time! Every little thing that goes wrong, I automatically think "OMG, I'm the worst mom in the world!" But your post is so right. We're too hard on ourselves sometimes, just trying to be the best moms we can be but then overexerting ourselves for it and beating ourselves up unnecessarily. Thanks for posting this!

MrsNJSwimmer

Mothering is so challenging, the last thing we need is to judge ourselves (or others) as being "bad."

absolutely!  Although, I'm so self-deprecating that I'm probably guilty of that myself.  I think the best thing my mom said to me when she left after being with me that first weekend was "You're doing a great job" - sometimes we ALL need to hear that. 

 

SanHawaii08

Thanks kshiz. I needed that. What's funny is that we had a weekly check in question once about favorite advice...I think I said "do what's best for your family" and "you're his mother and know him best" or something to that effect. Sigh. Now to just remember to listen to that advice!

mrspresley

totally agree! for most things there is no right vs wrong, it's about what is right for your circumstance and baby.  i think it's hard sometimes esp if you are in the minority doing something a certain way and esp hard when you are a first time mom and question yourself but i think we all need to remember that we ultimately know what is best for LO.