My DH never brings up TTC or kids in conversation with me. When I bring it up, he mainly brushes me off until I point blank ask him "you still want to get pregnant, right?" Then, he gets offended that I am doubting him.
He says that he assumes that I have it all under control and he has no idea what's going on, so he doesn't worry about it, thus he doesn't bring it up in conversation. I told him that it makes me question if he really wants to TTC.
Rationally, I understand that I'm pulling a total - "but I want him to KNOW what I want, I don't want to have to tell him" move. He says that it never crosses his mind to bring up in conversation, and if I want to talk about it then I should bring it up. I know he'll be an awesome dad, and that if he says he's ready, he is - but this is a big deal, and I don't want to feel like I'm pressuring him AT ALL.
I guess I just want confirmation that I'm normal and not crazy (don't we all!) Should I get him a book to read about pregnancy, etc so that he knows what to talk about with me - or would that freak him out before we're even pregnant?
Re: Did anyone else feel like this with DH?
I had a similar "am I pressuring him?" feeling that nagged me while we were TTC the first time. We'd only been married for a few months and the baby fever caught me really, really quickly and it took him a while to catch up to me. I couldn't do anything except trust that if he told me that he was ready, then he was ready.
Honestly by the third month, I had talked about it so much that the one time he asked me if I was ovulating (actually I think it was a question about my CM--gross) I was half surprised that he had been listening so carefully and half grossed out that my husband knew about CM.
I think for most men the TTC and pregnancy thing are not truly real until they see the baby on an ultrasound. When we were TTC my husband did ask about when the "good" days were and how long before I could test and things like that but even after we got pregnant he admited that it wasn't truly real to him until the ultrasound. Our bodies experience pregnancy right away but men don't always get it until later.
I think men (some? most?) are WAY less into than we are.
I mean, they're into it, like they state once that they want to TTC, but they're not into it in the sense that they could hang around an online board all day, every day and talk about it.
At least in my case, DH sort-of gave me the side-eye by how involved I was... constantly taking my temperature, peeing on sticks, talking about it, etc. I think he was more of the mentality that people have been doing this for tens of thousands of years by just "doing it" and that it would happen when it was supposed to happen.
So, he was happy to have months of constant sex, but otherwise, never really talked about it.
I was worried, too, exactly like you are, but once we got our BFP, and I saw how overjoyed he was, I just knew that he had a different way of looking and feeling about things than me. I'm a control freak and he's more let-it-happen.
Boys are weird.
We had totally agreed when we would start, but even when we did, I wasn't sure he was that into it. He asked about the days to DTD, but otherwise, nada. To me, he seemed very indifferent my entire first pregnancy. He went to all of my appointments, went to birth classes, but never really seemed into it. What I didn't realize was that he was completely FREAKED out the whole time, including once Tyson was born. It didn't entirely come out until after his birth and the first several weeks at home.
I did buy him a book - My Boys Can Swim. It's a very short, bathroom read and I didn't think he read it, but he did. He just reacted to TTC and the pregnancy in a totally different way than I did and it took me a while to realize that his reaction was normal.
This pregnancy is an entirely different scenario. He loves Tyson so much and can't wait to have another baby. I'm the one who is freaked out and indifferent. How the tables have turned!
When we were TTC, I didn't get too into details with DH about this, that, and the other. He's not the type that wants to know all that. He would have listened if I talked to him about it. But honestly, he was just happy we were having a lot of sex.
Things may have been different if we hadn't gotten pregnant so quickly. Or had trouble.
I have to preface my comments with the caveat that Jackson was unplanned (got pg on the pill), so when we discussed TTC, I had a lot of emotions and fears about things that most people probably don't struggle with as much. MH was aware of them, because I made them pretty clear. As a result, he was more willing to talk about TTC and was more involved in the process than the average partner might be.
I had a lot of guilt over the way we handled announcing our pregnancy and the response we got from people, especially my in laws. My MIL said to us "there is such a thing as birth control," and the whole time I was pregnant I felt judged and like some people weren't all that happy about it. Before we agreed to start TTC, I made it clear that we wouldn't accept comments or attitudes like that this time around. I just felt like we let people (like my in laws) make us feel guilty and ashamed of something that we really shouldn't have been. We were married, owned a house, in a stable financial situation, etc. It just wasn't planned. So I wanted my husband to be 100% on board about us planning and being happy about our 2nd pregnancy. I honestly hope that Jackson never knows anything that happened before he was born regarding him - I'm still pretty bitter, and of course, feel guilty for the role I played in that (letting people get away with saying things like that).
MH is also a giant dork who likes to know what is going on and enjoys making everything into something funny - TTC was no different. I also think he was more into the 2nd pregnancy because it was more real - we knew what we were getting into (sort of) whereas with the first we were just overwhelmed and clueless (and I think that would have been the case, planned or not).
I agree, I wouldn't worry. I think this is a case of boys are weird
DH was the same way. I had baby fever forever and just waited until he said he was ready. One day he said that he was ready and I kept questioning it because it never talked about it other than the one day that he said we could start trying. I too wanted him to talk about it with me.
Even when we actively started TTC he never discussed it. Then we got pregnant after our first real cycle trying, he didn't discuss the pregnancy much at first (though he did once I started showing and getting closer to delivery). Now that she's here, he's a very loving and great daddy.
This was all frustrating to me because DH is a huge planner. He's known by his buddies for planning vacations, etc. At the time it really made me question whether he was truely ready.
I think guys are just like that though. You'll probably be really surprised once you're pregnant and your LO arrives.
I'm not pregnant with #2, but this is pretty much the scenario in our house too...and I have a feeling if and when I do get pregnant, Brian will surprise me with his excitement.
My DH doesn't handle TTC or even pregnancy well. Each time, he has totally changed the subject every time I want to talk about it, and he makes a point of avoiding it any time it comes up in conversation.
Just about made me want to divorce him during this last pregnancy. Seriously, the night before I delivered, I was in tears asking him if he even wanted the baby at all.
I really think (looking back) that it was a coping thing. He is VERY wary of medical procedures, he never goes to the doctor, and honestly, I think he just couldn't handle any of it.
THAT SAID....
He absolfreakinglutely loves being a dad. He's very good at it. He is a natural teacher to my boys, and now that E is also getting old enough to smile and laugh back at him, he is relishing his role as a father.
If you would see him as a father you would never believe that he was such an a$$ during the whole TTC and pregnancies. I can't explain it, but I can say that for my guy, he thinks the whole "having" of the baby is my deal, but he totally jumped in with both feet once the little guys arrived. GL!