F/U to peanut gallery: She won't drop it!

Daisy77

SIL is hell bent on giving me her "professional opinion" (she's an occupational therapist) on DD#1 having Aspergers.  Apparently we need to see a neuropsycologist for a "proper" diagnosis.  Because months of evaluations, appointments, meetings, etc. aren't good enough.

My thoughts?  Who cares?!  When I read the symptoms and characteristics of a child with Aspergers, I read about DD.  She's getting the help she needs and it's working.  I have politely explained this to my SIL and she just.doesn't.get.it.  It's all about her "professional opinion" and how she "just doesn't see it" in the 4 to 5 days a YEAR that she sees DD.  Does she think we just woke up one morning and picked a disability out of hat?  Because we don't have anything better to do?  

Ugh.  I get that she has a degree and all, but I'm sick of her shoving it down my throat when I'm not asking for it.  I'm not asking her for help or her opinion.  I tell her things with DD are going great, her grades are up, she's not in counselor's office all the time anymore, etc.  I feel like my parenting is being judged and it's really p*ssing me off.

What is a polite way to tell her to back off?  She is of the mindset that her textbook diagnosis is absolutely correct and that we should reevaluate DD.  I think she is looking for a project and crusading for my daughter is it.  Some people have way too much time on their hands.  

MrsBalletStar05

grr, I'm so annoyed for you!  I hate it when people give their opinion and weren't asked for it!

BFab11

Sounds like you're past polite, I'd tell her to back the eff off.

katie_cj

Honestly? It's time to to quit being polite.

Writing to a 14 year old on facebook about her diagnosis is so far past the line it may as well be in space. Then disagreeing with you on the subject, goes even further past the line.

It seriously pisses me off for you.

I would be on the phone and tell her to fvck off.

But in the spirit of being polite, can you send her a firm email telling her to butt out.

pinksweetpea2

BFab11:

Sounds like you're past polite, I'd tell her to back the eff off.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

 

Sorry you are dealing with this Daisy.  

alli2672

If your daughter is doing well, and the treatment she has is working, who really gives a *** what you call it? 

Asperger's is being taken out of the DSM-V anyway.  That doesn't change who your daughter is and what works for her.

https://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=97#

 

 

Sweets2005

I would say as firmly as possible, "You know what SIL, we are NOT interested in what you think." She has passed the point in which you should worry about hurting her feelings. Honestly, I do not know WHAT is wrong with people???

tabi_ja

I agree with the pp: the time for being polite has passed.  Time to tell it like it is.  I'd say something like:

"Back the hell off and leave my daughter alone.  No one gives a damn about your 'professional opinion,' and if you don't drop this, it will have serious repercussions on our relationship."  

susanmosley

So did you contact her about her FB commenting & then she just gave you an ear full?  I am super irritated for you.  I would want to hit her.  However, maybe you could tell her that you hear what she is saying & thank you for her opinion, & now you will do what you do with all "professional opinions" & tuck it away in your long list of "professional opinions" so YOU THE MOM can make the best choices & judgment calls for your DD. 

but I would not as politely throw the idea of talking mis-diagnosis w/ 44 via email back into her face & help her see how completely inappropriate & out of line THAT behavior is.

michaels_lovely

Why do you have to be polite about it?  You have obviously been a fantastic advocate for you daughter and done everything in your power to make sure that she is getting exactly what she needs.  It is none of your SIL business no matter what her profession is, especially since you did not ask jer opinion.  If explaining to her nicely that the improvements you have seen in your daughter only prove more to you that the diagnosis is correct, tell her you didn't ask her and to shut up about it.  You should also explain to her that questioning your daughter via facebook about her diagnosis is completely inappropriate and needs to stop.

Dr.Loretta

"Thank you for your opinion."

Repeat ad nauseum.

Or if you have that kind of relationship, simply tell her to back off because you're tired of talking about it.

blissfully_caffeinated

I think it's time to stop being polite. Tell her plain and simple that DD has seen a slew of professions who have spent more time with DD than she has. They believe this diagnosis is correct, as do you.

I'm quite fond of telling people who can't keep their opinions to themselves that I'm the parent and what I say goes. If ___ wants to make child rearing decisions then they should pop a baby out. Until then they should sit down.

Daisy77

After her initial message to DD (which I deleted, but talked to her about), I sent her a nice message explaining DD's diagnosis and how well she was doing now.  SIL responds with questions on who she saw, how a doctor alone can't diagnose (which I know and said in my first message to her), etc. She claimed she was just curious since she's "in the field" and all.

Her 3rd message is the one that irritated me.  All the talk of her "professional opinion" and how she pretty much insists that DD's diagnosis has to be done medically.  She needs it black or white and the odd thing is, I have been told (and read) numerous times that no two Aspergers children are alike. With her degree, doesn't she know that? Then she had the nerve to suggest that  maybe I didn't understand the IEP....  Wth?  I mean, who does she think met with the team that evaluated DD?  It's not like they handed me my kid and a stack of papers and said, "She has Aspergers.  Here ya go!" and sent us on our way. 

I responded by telling her exactly what I was told by an autism specialist.  That she had the proper and needed assessments. I listed the symptoms DD has (which SIL doesn't see because she's NOT HERE).  I explained that what we are doing IS working and we are happy with it, as is.  I managed to stay polite although I was seething.

The real kicker is that this SIL (BIL's wife) isn't the only "professional" one in DH's family.  So is his sister (SIL#1) and his aunt and his other sister(SIL#2) is currently going to school for occupational therapy as well (and guess what class she is currently taking?  Psychology.)  I explained to SIL#2 that this situation is EXACTLY why we didn't tell everyone when DD was first diagnosed.  We didn't want the abundance of their diagnoses or having them picking DD apart.

SIL hasn't responded yet and I think I'm done replying to her.  I've said all that I can and if she still doesn't get it, then that's her problem.  Degree or not, she doesn't live in our house, she doesn't "know" DD, and this isn't her issue to worry about.  DD is doing great and that's what matters.

Thanks ladies!

ladyalmalthea

Since she is family, she needs to stay out of trying to treat your daughter. Period. She is not familiar with your daughter's case and needs to stay out of trying to diagnose her.

Just be firm and tell her you are comfortable with the doctor's decisions and don't want discussing the diagnosis to affedt your relationship since  you dont see eye to eye

I had someone try to diagnose my friend's son at DS's birthday party. The other kid was 14 months. Um, no, I don't see a learning disability, I see a crabby kid who just woke from a np and doesn't know anyone in the room. TYVM.