Givin Up For Good.
I've posted a couple of times over the past 7 months with some of my problems with the husband.. He left back in June and I found out he was with another woman. I allowed him back home and told him to get out about 4 times total.. I finally had enough Nov. 2 and told him to leave. I was a fool to think that he wanted things to work and should have known better that his relationship with the other woman didnt end. After he left this last time, he got him an apartment, claiming he wanted us to still work things out. When I finally found out where is new home was, I also found out he had her there with him. Up until Thanksgiving, all he was tryin to do was sweet talk me. Telling me that how much he loved me and wanted to be back home, but yet he was with her.. We have a 7 yr old daughter together who he's only seen twice.. Wouldnt even see her on Thanksgiving. I'm trying my best to move on, but its so hard.. 15 yrs with someone is a very long time to just let go so easy.. Now, I'm trying to make the hard decision as to let him in the delivery room with me.. I feel like he should be there, afterall this is his child. Yet, he hasnt been here for me throught this whole pregnancy.. I went into preterm labor 2 wks ago and he wasnt there for me. So why should I let him be by my side?? He's not happy with the name I picked out for our son, but hasnt offered to help. He doesnt even acknowledge his soon to be soon. Doesnt ask how I'm doing or anything.
I guess I'm just scared and lost right now at this point.. I should be use to him being gone, but I'm not. Even when he was here, he wasnt.. How can one just turn the other cheek on his family the way he has done? I've got a feeling that once this baby is born, he will try his best to come back, but do I really want him back? Yes, b/c I love him.. No, b/c he's hurt me so much. Trust is gone and the fact he's shacked up with another woman.. He wont be back this time. I started the divorce, once again. He refuses to respond. He tells me he hasnt givin up on our marriage, but to me he has.. I give up. The other woman won my husband and took my heart a crushed it to bits.
It's a scary thought knowing that when I have our son, I will be coming home and doing it alone. Not with just with one, but with two beautiful baby's.. IDK ladies, be thankful for what you all have. Everything can change in the blink of an eye..
Re: Givin Up For Good.
I'm confused - you and your H have a 7 year old together, and have been together 15 years, yet he's only seen her twice in her life? Why then didd you agree to have another child with him?
As regards the rest of it - if he's shacked up with another woman, he HAS given up on your marriage. You may even get grounds for immediate divorce and a bigger than usual C/S and alimony check depending on AL's laws.
I am so sorry you're dealing with this! Focus on your kids, and consider checking out the Single Parents board.
This may not be a popular opinion but it is his child so he deserves to be at the birth regardless of the problems you two are going through. If he doesn't show up on his own accord that is his doing but you keeping him out of the delivery room isn't going to help you.
You need to remember to stand your ground in whatever it is you decide. If you decide you need a separation or divorce then do not let him wiggle back in. His comment about giving up on the marriage is almost laughable because he is with another woman and has created everything that is happening right now. No one deserves to be treated like you are being treated right now.
Do you have a support system of family and friends to help you stay strong and to help when your LO comes?
I believe she meant that he has only seen DD twice since she kicked him out.
Here's the thing...you make it sound like you will be allowing him to be at the delivery yet you also said he didnt show up when you thought you were preterm. So to be honest, it really isnt a matter of you allowing him to be there but rather a matter of if he will show up or not. I get the feeling you still want him and you want him to be there for the delivery. The truth is, your situation is bigger than what happens in the delivery room so don't expect that to be a defining moment.
STOP EXPECTING SOMETHING FROM SOMEONE WHO KEEPS LETTING YOU DOWN. You are setting a poor example for your daughter. Even if it is her father, he has no right to treat the two of you like that. Be strong for your kids and lead by example.
When you go into labor and you feel like you want to tell him then call him and let him know. If he shows up then fine if not then oh well..its not like you should be surprised. I am so sorry you are hurting this way. I can only imagine. But I truly hope you find solace and you will be in my T&P's.
One of my favorite quotes of all time is:
"When people show you who they are...believe them the first time!"
I have to say that I totally disagree with this. (No disrespect intended, just my opinion) Delivery is such a personal/emotional thing and there is no way I would want him there if this was happening to me. I think he gave up his right to deserve anything when he cheated on his wife and shacked up with another woman. If you want him there, then that is your choice, but I don't think you should be bullied into it.Good luck with everything.
Well said.
Yes, it is a very emotional thing but he is still the father and he does have rights to the child regardless of his douchebag status. Her keeping him from his child is not going to shed positive light on her if they end up in the court system. My opinion only comes from experience otherwise I would say "hell no". He may not show up but if he doesn't then that was his decision made and he can't hold it over her.
First of all, thank you for sharing this with us and I truly admire how strong you are.
I agree with PP and you; he has clearly communicated that he has given up on the marriage. As a daughter of a mother who always went back to men who hurt her, don't. I know he is her father, but allowing him to hurt you will only damage her relationship with both of you more. Your daughter may not understand now what is going on (I don't know what you have shared with her about the situation) but I am sure in the future she will have the utmost respect for your strength through a truly terrible time.
For instance: When my mother left my step-father (I love the woman, but this sure is a pattern for her), my brother was too young to understand the complex situation and was resentful at first. However, after a short time, he came to see how much happier our family was once we could be truly loving without his toxic influence. Now that my brother is 13 and old enough to know, my mom explained the situation. He has expressed nothing but sorrow that she went through what she did and respect for her in making one of the hardest choices ever.
Additionally, my brother truly appreciates that my mother, though she was hurt to the bone by my brother's dad, did everything in her power to make sure that my brother could still share a relationship with his dad. His dad, sadly dropped the ball here, but what is most important to my brother is that she never blocked his relationship with his father, despite how she was hurt. In this way, he was clearly able to see how much my mom loved him and wanted him to have a good relationship with his dad, but also how it was obviously through no fault of my mothers (except a bad choice of man perhaps) that they were separated.
Sorry for the wall of text, I just felt I could offer a view of the situation from the perspective of your two wonderful children.
ETA: It is difficult for me to speak to whether or not he should be there, as I can see how it would be very difficult for you to accomplish such a huge task with him there. Perhaps he could be in the waiting room 50's style?
I wasn't saying to keep him from the child, just the actual delivery (if that is what she decides). Can't he wait in the waiting room? I haven't had experience with this, so I am asking...not being snarky.
Like's been said, if he's living with the homewrecker the marriage is already over and he really has no intention of changing.
As far as the being at the birth thing... honestly, he's not being that much of a man or father right now. Really, what support would he offer you? Do you think he would stress you out more? He might enjoy being there, but I wouldn't expect much from him with your pre-term labor scare. I think you need to come to terms with reality about who he is.
I'd let him sit out in the waiting room. Then he can still be near to see his son, but not in the room with you under such bad terms.
What I think I would do in your situation is not let him in. You need to protect yourself and your children. He could be cheating on his girlfriend with someone else and could possibly bring something home during one of his good guy moments.
He hasn't been there for you and in my opinion he hasn't shown that he wants to fully be there for you.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, so sorry you are having to go through this.
I agree with previous posters and honestly feel that you should so whatever is best for your child. If his being present in the room puts you under stress and complicates your labor then he shouldn't be there. In the long run, a healthy birth is much more important that any "rights" your husband may have earned by being this child's "father."
Yes, I agree with Tiff and other posters -- there is no reason for you to let such a toxic presence in the delivery room. It's not "keeping him from his son" -- he can be in the waiting room and he can see his son shortly after the birth. But I would not want a person like that in the room with me when I am giving birth -- especially because you have your mom as a true loving support!
Good luck with the divorce. I can't imagine how hard this situation is for you -- 15 years is a very long time, and you have two children together. But you are making the best decision in the long run for your children AND for yourself. Stay strong and remember that you are worth it!
My sister just went through this a couple of months ago.
2 weeks before her 4th baby was due her husband of 13 years moved out. He was not welcome in the delivery room. She needed people there who loved her and supported her. I was there along with 5 of her girlfriends and we had a BLAST!! We laughed and asked the dr. all kinds of questions that we always wanted to know. It helped my sister take her mind off of her hubby and focus on the JOY of the day.
3 months later, he has yet to hold his 4th baby girl. My sister has had a rough 3 months, but is strong and continues to persevere, taking everything day by day.
Rely on family and friends as much as you can. You will get through this! Day by day!
Amen! I'm sorry you're going through this. I consider myself a very strong woman but I've been in horrible situations in relationships over the years that I can't believe I was in looking back. You'll be soooo much stronger and wiser once you get through this! YOU CAN DO IT!
I am going through a very similar situation. Baby daddy and I were together for 5 years, broke up over a year ago, obviously made some foolish decisions, and now here I am 7 months pregnant. Initially he was "involved" meaning, for about 4 weeks he would come to my house and hang out, see how im doing etc. However by the time I had my first ultrasound, he was suddenly back with his ex (whom he had dated for a short period of time while we were broken up) and claiming the baby wasnt his. (I also dated somebody during that year, but he moved to Iran 4 months prior to me getting pregnant) He never showed up to a single appointment, and still hasnt really acted like he wants to be involved. We still have alot of mutual friends, so I have of course seen him throughout this pregnancy. But he does not ask me how its going, didn't care to know the sex, he wont even put his hand on my stomach to feel his son move. A week ago I was having contractions, and went to labor and delivery (obviously everything is fine with that), I told his mom and 14 year old sister what was going on, and SURPRISE! Brad actually called and asked me if he needed to come.
This would be very exciting, but he literally give me anxiety. Whenever we run into each other, especially when hes with his girlfriend, I get super anxious and I seriously cannot stand to be near him for very long. I would love for him to have been part of this pregnancy, and be in the delivery room. However at this point I dont think he deserves to be part of such an intimate experience between Jude and myself. So I have decided to not allow him in the delivery room. At this point its not something we will be experiencing together, I am simply just having his child.
LOL.. funny, my husband is named Brad..