Thanks for the "lurking" post Peeps, it was my perfect segway to asking something that's been on my mind awhile.
Um. So I'm one of those annoying happily married types. H and I are expecting our first child early next year... less than 9 months after the wedding, but that's a different story. ;-)
The question is about his XGF, who is a SP. She and H broke up about 4 years ago after a 5 year relationship. XGF's daughter (not H's child) is now a preteen who IIRC has never met her dad, so H decided to keep in contact with her. H has since moved to another state, but they talk on the phone maybe 20 min/week and when he visits her hometown - where most of my ILS live - he'll take the girl to lunch or something.
I have no problem whatsoever with any of this - boundaries and expectations are set clearly; the girl knows H is a caring adult friend, but not her dad, and will never be getting back with her mom. IMHO having a male figure to talk to is in her best interests; we've talked briefly and she seems like a very sweet and sensitive girl. Esp given that she knows my IL's - she is a classmate/teammate/good friend of H's little cousin; her mom works with MIL.
The concern is XGF's take on this situation since H and I got together (about a year and a half ago). We get to my IL's hometown a couple times a year. My first visit there, H wanted to take the daughter, cousin, and me to lunch... and that got ugly when he called XGF. She has ruled that if I'm in town, her daughter can't even visit H's little cousin, who lives on MIL's block. She told H that if wants to see the girl, he can leave me (and the baby) with MIL and come to XGF's house to visit.
Any tips on smoothing this situation over? Or is this something I need to roll with/let go? As a mom, she has the right to decide who her child does/doesn't meet. I don't want someone at that impressionable an age losing contact with such an important figure in her life, when the reason is that he got married... At the same time, I don't feel it's anywhere near reasonable or appropriate to ask a married man to ditch his wife to go to his XGF's house. Also, as our baby gets older, I don't want him to associate "Grandma's house" with "Daddy (after working 60+ hours a week) splits for a couple hours to go hang out with someone else's kid".
Thanks for reading, and TIA for any advice.