Lurker w/a question that only a SP can answer (Long, sorry)

PiscesFish

Thanks for the "lurking" post Peeps, it was my perfect segway to asking something that's been on my mind awhile.

Um. So I'm one of those annoying happily married types.  H and I are expecting our first child early next year... less than 9 months after the wedding, but that's a different story. ;-)

The question is about his XGF, who is a SP.  She and H broke up about 4 years ago after a 5 year relationship.   XGF's daughter (not H's child) is now a preteen who IIRC has never met her dad, so H decided to keep in contact with her. H has since moved to another state, but they talk on the phone maybe 20 min/week and when he visits her hometown - where most of my ILS live - he'll take the girl to lunch or something.

I have no problem whatsoever with any of this -  boundaries and expectations are set clearly; the girl knows H is a caring adult friend, but not her dad, and will never be getting back with her mom.  IMHO having a male figure to talk to is in her best interests; we've talked briefly and she seems like a very sweet and sensitive girl.  Esp given that she knows my IL's - she is a classmate/teammate/good friend of H's little cousin; her mom works with MIL.

The concern is XGF's take on this situation since H and I got together (about a year and a half ago).  We get to my IL's hometown a couple times a year.  My first visit there, H wanted to take the daughter, cousin, and me to lunch... and that got ugly when he called XGF.  She has ruled that if I'm in town, her daughter can't even visit H's little cousin, who lives on MIL's block. She told H that if wants to see the girl, he can leave me (and the baby) with MIL and come to XGF's house to visit.

Any tips on smoothing this situation over?  Or is this something I need to roll with/let go?   As a mom, she has the right to decide who her child does/doesn't meet.  I don't want  someone at that impressionable an age losing contact with such an important figure in her life, when the reason is that he got married...  At the same time, I don't feel it's anywhere near reasonable or appropriate to ask a married man to ditch his wife to go to his XGF's house.  Also, as our baby gets older, I don't want him to associate "Grandma's house" with "Daddy (after working 60+ hours a week) splits for a couple hours to go hang out with someone else's kid".

 Thanks for reading, and TIA for any advice.

achase123

I think she needs to get over it.  She's obviously upset about the relationship with you and your husband, but that shouldn't be her concern.  I agree, you don't want the girl to lose contact with your husband, but at the same time the mom may force this to happen.  She's not putting her daughter's best interests before her own petty jealousy.

peeps61308

Honestly, I would stand your ground. BM has to understand that you are his wife and you are not going anywhere. She should be thankful that your DH has an ongoing relationship with her daughter, when he is not her bio dad. BM's daughter is old enough to understand that he would like to continue seeing her when he can, but her mother is not comfortable with the relationship now that you are in the picture. It is not fair by any means, but it is a decision that her mother is making for both of them.

fauxshelley

I agree w/ Achase that the BM needs to get over it, but there is nothing you can do about that.  I think the girl needs to keep the friendship with your H and his family.  I don't understand why the BM has issues with you.  How long have they been broken up?  Has she ever met you?  If their break up was long ago and far away, she really needs to grow up.  I would encourage your H and perhaps MIL to speak to the mom about it.  The worst thing that could happen is for your H to stop seeing the girl.  I would be afraid that the BM would twist it around to make the child think your H choose you and has no more time for her. 

keychain01

ITA with Peeps, Shelley,and Achase...Its such a pitty the BM is going to let a great relationship go because she is jealous! Because a lot of BM wish they had someone who cared for their kids as if they were their own. SMH, well good for you for trying though but I think this may be a relationship that might have to fall by the wayside!

PiscesFish

Ladies, I really appreciate the responses - you all rock!   I've been feeling badly about this for a long time, and am glad I posted today.

 Shelley, since you asked -

fauxshelley:

I think the girl needs to keep the friendship with your H and his family. 

ITA, which is a good thing since she and H's cousin are into the same activities, same grade in school, same little clique.  

I don't understand why the BM has issues with you.  How long have they been broken up? 

They've been broken up a little over 4 years - H's company transferred him here (long distance) and he broke up w/her then.  He and I met shortly after, but were casual acquaintances who didn't start dating till a year and a half ago. 

Has she ever met you? 

Never met the BM, just spoke with the daughter a few times on the phone to say hello (if she was on speaker or I happened to answer H's phone or something).  From what it sounds like, BM feels (rightly) like the girl's dad did her wrong, then H did her wrong by not marrying her.  H isn't sure whether or not BM still has feelings for him.

I get that it is hard to see your ex move on, esp to get married after less than a year of dating.  And yeah, she's not the only one to talk some smack about me being PG at the wedding.  We were engaged when we got PG; but  pushed up the wedding date when we found out we were expecting (the baby I was told I'd need fertility treatments to conceive).

The worst thing that could happen is for your H to stop seeing the girl. 

I agree with you on this count for sooo many reasons, but DH doesn't feel comfortable going to BM's unaccompanied as she's now asking.  Also, I'm not sure how we should handle the fact that he can only see the girl if he ditches me and his own child(ren) to do so... that doesn't send our son the best message either. 

It's not that H has to be glued to me 24/7, but I do have a problem with him hanging out at an ex's house without me; and I have a SERIOUS problem with him missing time with our child (who, flame away, has more of a right to time with H) to appease XGF's feelings.  It's a conflict of interest that I don't see an easy resolution to.

I would be afraid that the BM would twist it around to make the child think your H choose you and has no more time for her.

Me too... then she'd go on to have crappy dating relationships with strings of way-older guys, end up with no self-esteem... not good. 

Argh, why can't people (like the girl's spermdonor) just realize that when you have a child, it's time to be a parent!

 

keychain01

Argh, why can't people (like the girl's spermdonor) just realize that when you have a child, it's time to be a parent!

 LOL, when you find this out let all of us ladies here know!!!!!!

fauxshelley

PiscesFish:

It's not that H has to be glued to me 24/7, but I do have a problem with him hanging out at an ex's house without me; and I have a SERIOUS problem with him missing time with our child (who, flame away, has more of a right to time with H) to appease XGF's feelings.  It's a conflict of interest that I don't see an easy resolution to.

I totally agree with this.  Are you saying the BM won't allow him to pick up the girl and take her somewhere, like lunch or to his mom's house?  If he has to hang out with the BM and the girl at their house w/o you and the baby, that's a deal breaker IMO.

PiscesFish

fauxshelley:

Are you saying the BM won't allow him to pick up the girl and take her somewhere, like lunch or to his mom's house?

 

Yep.  The one time she's made an exception, was when H had gone there for work and the BM knew I wasn't in town.  H took her, his little cousin, and another girl in their group out for pizza or something, and that was cool.

But if I'm in town, the girl's not even allowed to go to H's cousin's house (who lives a few houses down from MIL).  She's that against her meeting me and/or the baby.  I just want to make sure that, from an SP perspective, I'm not overstepping my bounds into someone else's place as a mom in de facto insisting my son and I be included the bulk of the time he spends with this girl.

I'm just sad because I don't want any child, much less this girl that my husband and IL's care a lot about to get hurt.  And I don't see this as a zero-sum game where it's "her or DH's wife/child" either. For goodness' sake, H and XGF are both closing in on 40!  Too old to act like this.

haleyw458

I completely agree with the other ladies on this one. It seems like she wants your H to consider himself a father to this girl, which he obviously isn't. Her jealousy is getting in the way of her daughter having a male role model in her life. I also think it is important for this girl to see a healthy marriage like the one between you and H since she grew up without one.

I think if your H is going to keep visiting with this girl, you need to figure out exactly why her mom feels this way.

achase123

keychain01:

Argh, why can't people (like the girl's spermdonor) just realize that when you have a child, it's time to be a parent!

 LOL, when you find this out let all of us ladies here know!!!!!!

This would be the $10 million question.  When you find out the answer you get a chocolate cupcake.

PiscesFish

haleyw458:

I completely agree with the other ladies on this one. It seems like she wants your H to consider himself a father to this girl, which he obviously isn't. Her jealousy is getting in the way of her daughter having a male role model in her life. I also think it is important for this girl to see a healthy marriage like the one between you and H since she grew up without one.

I think if your H is going to keep visiting with this girl, you need to figure out exactly why her mom feels this way.

I agree... can you suggest a way for H to broach this topic with the BM? I've never personally spoken to her, but he/MIL have chalked it up to jealousy. 

H has mentioned that one of the major reasons their relationship ended was XGF was pressuring him to get married, when he didn't want to.  She's made some comments to him that basically indicate that she feels entitled to have a husband for whatever reason, and that she feels H owed it to her to marry her after dating her for so long.  I also understand she had difficulty accepting their breakup, and was angry when he didn't ask her/her daughter to move here when his job transferred him.

I get that she may be annoyed that she "invested" almost 5 years with him without even cohabitating; only to see me get a wedding and baby in less than 2.  To be fair, it sounds like she and H were an extraordinarily poor match, and IMHO, H should've stated directly that he was never going to marry her rather than let his inaction speak for itself.  But, it was her choice to spend that much time without someone who from all accounts, was clearly unwilling to commit to her long-term.

That said... who hasn't been screwed over by some douchey guy, and all this was LONG before I came on the scene.  I could always show her my medical records and be like, "check it out... when you guys broke up, my XH and I were living in another time zone, still married, and trying IVF; it's not like I was the other woman", but I don't feel like that's my responsibility or her business.