Dating Single Dad: Update and Question
Hi again Ladies,
I'm the one that posted the 'advice for dating a single dad' post a while back and wanted to update all of you as well as ask some new questions now that I've gotten my feet wet in the 'dating with kids' world.
For those that gave me advice on the first meeting- thanks so much for your help. The meeting went great! We went to a carnival at the elementary school shortly before Halloween and everything couldn't have gone better! I nearly puked trying to keep up with the requests to ride the next ride with each kid but it was well worth it. We had a great time and it left a great impression with everybody. Everybody but one person, that is.
SO and BM's relationship has been civil but touchy as a general rule. BM was good with SO dating and he let her know I was going to meet the kids which she was also fine with. She wasn't, however, ok with the kids liking the new girl. When the kids told her nice things about me and SO, she told them in no uncertain terms that they were "not allowed to like that girl" and yelled at them for mentioning it. She also called SO screaming asking how he would feel if she brought someone around the kids that they liked better than him. They were understandably scared and confused.
Needless to say we've backed off on my seeing the kids. I'll still send them texts or pass messages through their dad but we're trying to go at their pace and make sure they don't ever feel uncomfortable or scared again. SO is also working with BM on talking to him instead of the kids about that stuff.
That brings me to my question: For those of you that are the custodial parent, how did you balance family and your relationship? BM has become spotty about taking her time with the kids because she doesn't want to 'be a babysitter for his dating life'. SO has never had to leave the kids with anyone other than family but since most of his babysitters are BM's family that welcome is wearing thin. Any suggestions? I know that flexibility is the key to all this and we're making it work as best we can but any pearls of wisdom would be great! Thanks for the help and sorry this turned out so long! Major points for anyone who made it this far!
Re: Dating Single Dad: Update and Question
Hopefully with time BM will become less crazy and more accepting of your boyfriend's dating life.
When DH and I were dating, the boys were with his mom. BM was out of the picture for the first year. Can your boyfriend's family act as babysitters? I would stop asking BM or BM's family if they want time with the kids for now. If they want their time with the kids, they can ask, and then it's not like they're doing the dad a favor so he can spend alone time with you, even if that's how he uses the time.
I hope your boyfriend is spending time talking to the kids about BM. Have him reassure the kids that BM loves them, and explain that adults get jealous and don't always handle it well. I'm sure the kids have experienced some type of jealousy that he can relate it too. He needs to talk with them so they can voice any feelings they're having. Hope it gets better!
Unfortunately SO's family is either out of town or passed away so aside from a church men's group he has no real support system in the area. I really like the idea of making BM ask for the time instead of begging her to take it. He really wants her to have a relationship with the kids but if she's not in a place where she can do that in a healthy way then he shouldn't force her. Great advice!
What is the CO? Does BM have court ordered visitation time?
Also, does she have right of first refusal? Can your boyfriend hire a babysitter without checking with BM?
I'm a custodial BM with one child (DS) from a previous marriage and another (DD) from this marriage.
We're in a bit of a different place since exH only sees DS 5-6 times per year. But I think your SO needs to try and accept that there will be times as he moves on with his life that he will do things she doesn't like. He needs to be prepared to put his needs & the needs of his children over his fears of upsetting her.
It sounds like she's reacting emotionally; and presumably once she becomes more used to your relationship that will calm down a bit.
I think that if you can be calm and flexible but not cater to her whims, you'll come out better in the long run.
Court order says 50/50 but she hasn't kept them for more than a couple of days at a time for as long as we've been dating and barely saw them at all for months before that.
I don't think there's anything about first right of refusal, so he can hire a babysitter if he wants. His biggest concern with a sitter is that the kids will feel like he doesn't want to spend time with them, especially given how unstable the relationship is with their mom. That's not the case, of course, but he's not sure how to explain to the kids that he needs both adult time and quality time with them.
He sounds like a good dad.
I think he's got an excellent point that now is not the time to let the kids feel left out and alone. How old are they? Is there anyway you can come over to watch a movie with your BF when the kids go to bed?
I know you're developing your relationship with him and you two need your time together without the children. I also know that part of being a parent is that adult time is difficult to come by. I think both of you seem pretty well prepared to deal with the challenges you're facing. I give props to both of you for how you're managing the situation with the kids and BM.
ETA: Can you do lunch dates? Not the most romantic, but at least you'd get one on one time.
Since when do we advocate for involving the kids in the beginning stage of a BF relationship? Usually the advice is NOT to involve the kids in a "family" relationship when they just started dating a few months ago. She needs time to get to know the dad before beginning on the road to the SM role. I think it's completely appropriate that she take time to get to know the dad first. Once they get more serious than just dating, yes, she needs to get to know the kids - and they've taken steps towards that already.
How old are his children?
Hopefully BM will come around and be more accepting. Both myself and my dh have two kids each from prio marriage, but we both had ever other weekend kid free, so we used that time to spend alone. Another idea, is if you live close to each other, can you go over to his house after the kids are in bed for the night, if anything it gives you a few hours alone.
GL
His girls are 12 (13 next month) and 11 and his son is 7.
I don't know why the 'after the kids are in bed' thing never occurred to us but we finally came around to that last night and it worked like a charm! Granted his 12 year old doesn't go to bed until about 9:30 or 10 so I'm a little sluggish today, but it's worth it! Thanks for the great advice! Keep it coming.
Thanks J&A. You're right, he's a great dad. It's not why I initially started dating him, but I've found over the last few months that good single fathers can make great boyfriends
. He's sensitive, silly, appreciative and patient with me while I learn about how reality works with kids. For example, did you ladies know that when one kid gets strep and another kid gets a stomach bug that all 3 will end up having both illnesses?? Well, it was news to me! Things like that combined with the kid's fears and BM issues have given us some ups and downs but I think that in between him and the great advice from all of you we're on the right track.
Oh, and I live for lunch dates! At the moment they are some of the only times we have where we're fairly certain that we will have an emergency free hour!
Great! I don't think they have to be all the way in bed before you come over, but just after family time (dinner, homework) is done, so your boyfriend can get his time with the kids. 8pm on is the time DH and I have together.