My MIL is a guilt-tripping meanie (long vent)

sistrkate

I swear.  I want to like her, I really do, but I just don't.  She basically threw a tantrum on Thanksgiving (and we didn't even see her), and she made DH feel like crap.

We called her on Thanksgiving morning to wish her a happy day.  I was busy in the kitchen making breakfast, etc., while DH was talking.  About 5 minutes into the conversation, she asked, demandingly, "So when are you coming up to visit?"  DH said, "Well, I don't know, we haven't talked about it yet."  Her response was, "Well, I'm not sending the Christmas gifts to you, so you're going to have to visit."  Niiiiiiiiiice.  Keep your stupid gifts.

So then DH says, "Where are we going to stay?  There isn't enough room at your house."  (It is a very small house with only two bedrooms, one of which is hers.)  She says, "Well, you will stay here of course."  I didn't hear the rest of the conversation because I was busy with the kids and I was fuming.

DH gets off the phone finally and tells me, "My mom wants us to come visit for Christmas this year."  I said, I know, but where are we supposed to stay?  I told him to stand his ground with her and not let her bully him into making us stay there.  There's no room for the kids (and all their stuff), and if they don't sleep it will be a miserable trip for everyone.

Fast forward to Friday afternoon.  We were sitting at the table after dinner and DH noticed he had a missed call from his mom earlier in the day, on his cell phone.  That's odd, simply because she always calls our land line.  She had left a message and told him to call her back, from his cell phone, from his office.  At this point, I just figured it was a secret Christmas mission.

Well, it was, but not an innocent one.  She wanted him away from the rest of us so that she could basically whine and cry about how we are keeping her grandkids from her, we need to come up there and stay in her house, etc., etc., and again that the gifts won't be sent to us here.

So now my husband feels like he HAS to go because she's going to make him feel like a terrible son if he doesn't, and "she's not going to be around much longer", blah blah blah.

Just who I want to go visit and make Christmas cheer with.  Yay.

Superchicy

She sounds like a peach.  I still remember going to my grandparent's house, we had to sleep on air mattresses on the floor and my grandma would get up at 5am every day and make coffee and wake us up since we had to sleep in the family room.  My parents slept in the living room on the sleeper sofa b/c there was nowhere else to sleep.  It was not fun.  I hope your DH is able to reason with her, that sounds like a nightmare of a trip.

jerseygirl81

That sucks

Can you guys stay in a hotel for a night or two? Maybe just let Justin have a sleepover with her?

sistrkate

jerseygirl81:

That sucks

Can you guys stay in a hotel for a night or two? Maybe just let Justin have a sleepover with her?

That's what I want to do, but that is what she has a problem with.  DH says she's "old school" and this is just the way it's done, you don't stay in a hotel when visiting family.

The thing that aggravates me the most is I did not have any part in his conversation, I didn't tell him that we wouldn't stay there, or anything like that.  We literally had not discussed it.  But for some reason now, he's acting like I'm the bad guy for not wanting to go.

mrs.george2be04

Is there a reason she can't come to you?  I know she has in the past.  Unless, she's laid up or something I would think it would be easier for her to bring herself than for you to schlep up there with your kids and all their accoutrements.

I feel bad for you because you're in a bad situation, but I feel bad for your DH, too, since it can't be fun being guilted like that, especially from his own mother.  Part of me wants to say tell him to stand his ground so she'll stop throwing tantrums like, but for all I know it could backfire.  Plus, it's true, she's NOT going to around forever, and I don't want him to have any lingering guilt.

If she's not going to be reasonable (which sounds like is the case), I would go, but get a hotel if you can afford it.  But when your kiddos are hellcats from having their routine disrupted, make sure to explain why.

((((HUGS)))

Meg41208

sistrkate:

 But for some reason now, he's acting like I'm the bad guy for not wanting to go. 

I'd see that as an opportunity to let him take both boys for a visit and you can stay home by yourself.  

I understand where you are coming from, totally.  My parents moved out of the 4BR house that we grew up in into a 2BR house on a lake the summer after my older brother and I graduated from college.  I don't mind visiting them in the summer, when we can go outside and enjoy the location, but, frankly, it sucks in the winter.  This will probably be the last year that we stay with them when we visit during the winter because with the 3 of us, our stuff, and the pack n play, it's pretty cramped.

mrsgillian

I especially don't like that she is holding the Christmas gifts ransom. Like who cares?? I mean it isn't like you would go visit just to get your gifts.

I would be so annoyed because you know she is probably blaming all this on you, with the secret DH call. 

RFKD82909

That sucks! I'm sorry she's being this way. You cannot let him act like you're the one being ridiculous in this situation. There are only two solutions that would make things remotely happy for you and the kids. A) go visit her but stay in a hotel. or stay home. Cramming 5 people in a two bedroom house is nonsense. Especially when two of them are children who need room to run and play and quite to get adequate sleep. That really stinks. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

curlypie1

From a logical point of view, doesn't it make more sense for one person to travel for the holidays instead of a family of 4 with all the baby gear and gifts that Santa would bring? I don't think I would agree to that with having two kids that I'm sure would enjoy staying at their own house. Unless, of course she has health problems that prevent her from traveling. I'd be pretty upset too.

katpres06

Wouldn't it be nice if you could just tell family how you really feel about them, and not have to worry about the repercussions.

Yay for family....

Meg41208

katpres06:

Wouldn't it be nice if you could just tell family how you really feel about them, and not have to worry about the repercussions.

Yay for family....

Amen to that.  Our holidays would be like an episode of Jerry Springer if I could just be honest. 

stillwaiting12

Ok, you know I love you and all... But, I am going to disagree with everyone else. This is coming from someone who doesn't have any inlaws left so I am a bit biased.

I completely understand that it's a hassle, it makes for uncomfortable sleeping and cranky kids. All of which could be solved by staying at a hotel, which shouldn't (in my opinion) be that big of a deal. But... it's your H's mom. I am going to assume from your post that you guys don't get to visit all that often. So, if this is really how she would like to spend her Christmas with her son and grandkids then why not? It's only a few days out of the year. Again, I agree with you that staying in a hotel would be a solution to the problem and would make everything more enjoyable. Sometimes, looking back I wish I would have just been more flexible and sucked it up when MIL wanted to do something that I thought was ridiculous and caused an argument. She's not right in giving your husband a guilt trip and holding presents hostage, I think that's a little selfish of her. But, she's old, she's probably lonely since you didn't mention FIL I am assuming he's passed, and she wants to spend family time.

You don't have to be happy about it, but if I were in your shoes I would just suck it up and spend the time with her for the holidays. Just my opinion looking in from someone who wishes my H could have just one more Christmas with his mom.

cops_wife

I'm sure you know our rule: On Christmas morning, we are at our house, and we're not going anywhere until we've all had time to leisurely enjoy Christmas as a family. I'd probably tell her that you'd love to spend Christmas with her, but that it's important to you that the boys have their own Christmas traditions to look forward to in their house, so she'd have to come to you.

If she doesn't want to do that, I'd probably agree to go visit a few days after Christmas, but I'd put my foot down about staying in a hotel if you can afford it. Maybe that's how things were always done, but if you don't have room, you don't have room.

doodlebug914

cops_wife:

I'm sure you know our rule: On Christmas morning, we are at our house, and we're not going anywhere until we've all had time to leisurely enjoy Christmas as a family. I'd probably tell her that you'd love to spend Christmas with her, but that it's important to you that the boys have their own Christmas traditions to look forward to in their house, so she'd have to come to you.

If she doesn't want to do that, I'd probably agree to go visit a few days after Christmas, but I'd put my foot down about staying in a hotel if you can afford it. Maybe that's how things were always done, but if you don't have room, you don't have room.

Ditto Christy

mrs.george2be04

cops_wife:

I'm sure you know our rule: On Christmas morning, we are at our house, and we're not going anywhere until we've all had time to leisurely enjoy Christmas as a family. I'd probably tell her that you'd love to spend Christmas with her, but that it's important to you that the boys have their own Christmas traditions to look forward to in their house, so she'd have to come to you.

If she doesn't want to do that, I'd probably agree to go visit a few days after Christmas, but I'd put my foot down about staying in a hotel if you can afford it. Maybe that's how things were always done, but if you don't have room, you don't have room.

I agree with this.  I thought she just meant visiting around Christmastime in general.  Christmas morning out of our own house would be a no-go with me.

JLPT830

I think you should go and let the kids shack up with her in her room and then let them have free run of the house.  Bring a good book.   

warriormomerin

I haven't read the other responses, but here's my honest opinion.

Go to her house. Let your kids be the biggest little hellions they can be. Let them destroy her tiny house in all their sleep deprived glory while you quietly sip some wine.

In other words, give her what she wants and don't stress out. I bet you $10 she won't invite you back next year. I know it's easier said then done and you'll probably be miserable and she'll probably make snarky comments about your lousy parenting or something (which you're not!) but just think about the years of hassle you're going to save yourself.

Seriously, do it. And invite me to come with you because if there's one thing I specialize in it's pissing off MIL's. 

buckeyethor

sometimes "momnesia" gets a little crazy the older our parents get. they forget what it is like to have toys, clothes, gear, bags, and all that stuff when  you have kids. they don't remember how the kids can get all riled up or not sleep bc of the location.

buckeyethor

i don't know what you should do. it sounds like it is getting complicated with her calling him on the cell instead of the house and all that. i would not like that.

AngRx

oh katie--I sympathize completely. We only live 4 hrs away from the IL's but it is a constant guilt trip. They miss Nat's milestones, she doesnt get to watch her but some stranger watches her, she doesnt get to see us on holidays etc etc etc. I like Christmas Eve at my church. I go every year. I enjoy being in my own home Christmas morning. With that, DH feels strongly about going to be with them on Christmas this year (it does involve seeing his other daughter too) so we are going up on Christmas eve and foregoing our traditions. I am cool with it this year because Nat still doesnt "get it". Next year another story. Im dittoing cops rule..we arent leaving our house on Christmas morning.