Really long introduction w/ lots of long, complicated feelings
books4brooke
member
Hi all. I'm on another board with MrsB2007, and she suggested I come over. I apologize in advance for the really long intro. It's been a while since I've been on theBump!
DH and I started TTC in February 2007. We got pregnant in May 2008 and lost the baby almost immediately. After a normal HSG and mostly normal bloodwork, a failed clomid cycle and a lot of tears, we became pregnant in Jan '08 (with no help at all). Our son was born Sept '08 (after my house burned down the month before).
Six weeks after my son was born I came down with Bell's Palsy (paralysis in half my face) and soon became very very sick. It took a year to finally get a diagnosis of late stage Lyme Disease, which is now Chronic and includes a few other tick borne infections. I've been on meds for a year, and though I'm better, I'm still not "healthy." Given the extent of the infection, my doctor has said there is no guarantee that the disease will ever be gone. For some people pregnancy makes them sicker, and given that I got VERY sick after having my son, it's a risk I'm not sure I'm willing to take.
I've been mulling my options lately, whether it be adoption or surrogacy. I know that I want at least one more child. I always thought I would adopt. But I've been struggling with that idea now that it's really in front of me. I'm not worried about loving an adopted child, though I do think my husband worries about that. My biggest concern is having the child want to go find their "real" family one day. I think it would devastate me to think that we aren't enough.
I also worry about being sick and the idea that maybe I am not giving the child a better life, certainly not the *best* life. If we adopt, I could be taking that child away from another family where the mother is much more able to be fully engaged in everything and who doesn't have days where getting off the couch is difficult. (Of course I'm very hopeful in a year's time that I won't be that way, but what happens if my symptoms return.) I also worry about something happening to me, though I know that the future is not promised to any of us.
I also worry that by adopting when we already have a child we are taking a child away from a family who doesn't have children and who is unable to conceive. Maybe that's silly, but it's something I've been thinking about.
We are still very early in this journey. We aren't looking to add to our family for another year, whichever way we decide to go. But I feel it's important for us to start educating ourselves about our options and trying to make some decisions about what's best for our family. I hope it's ok if I hang around here while we work through those decisions.
Re: Really long introduction w/ lots of long, complicated feelings
Welcome. Feel free to post. I'm glad to hear you got a diagnosis and are getting treatment that's making you feel better.
I think I can safely say we've all had questions, concerns, and a run of emotions during the adoption process.
I hope you find an option that's best for your family.
Welcome! I just wanted to respond to a few of your concerns/fears.
Birth Parents will choose the family they want their child to live with. They may want a family with another child so they know their baby won't be an only child. If that is what they want, they will pick you or someone else like you. It wouldn't matter if there were 3,000 other options of families without children.
Also, my cousin adopted two girls from China. In her group of people going to China to get their children, was a single lady I will call Sally (because I don't know her name and referring to her with pronouns is confusing).
Sally adopted two lovely girls from China and brought them home. She was a healthy woman. A year or so after being home with her girls, she was in a horrible car crash and was killed.
Her girls were orphaned. Again. Fortunately, Sally's sister adopted the girls and they have adjusted well. The point is, even healthy people can't guarantee that they will stay healthy or even alive for their adopted children. We can try our hardest, but it isn't in our control.
Good luck with everything!
Welcome. You've defintely had your share of challenges... wow!
In reading your post, the one thing that stood out to me was the fear that a child would want to find their birth family and it would devastate you.
Much of domestic adoption is done openly these days so it changes the way that would play out. You may want to look a bit closer and ask more questions about this point (open and semi-open adoptions). While many are fearful of it, the more you learn you may have fewer fears. It sort of takes the mystique out of "finding" the first family which helps everyone involved have a bit more security. It sounds counter-intuitive but the power of knowing is quite a gift.
Good luck.
Thanks all.
I completely understand wanting to know their family, and it's the selfish part of me that doesn't know how I would handle that. I know a girl who gave her daughter up in an open adoption and then moved and decided she didn't want any more updates so just never gave them her new contact information. I'm sure that's not a normal experience, but it's the personal connection I have, so I'm sure that clouds how I look at it.
I know this is a bit premature, but I also worry about how much information to share about my illness with the birthmother. I'm a pretty open person, and most of my life is sprawled out online anyway (not to mention that I write mostly personal essays for publication). I'm not sure how much that will hamper our ability to be placed with a birth family.