Skids far away
How young is too young? SD lives in England with BM and DH and I travel for work. Our home-base is Atlanta (preface- DH and BM have no CO and it's a tricky subject for me to bring up- I think he's afraid she would try and say he couldn't see SD at all... I don't know). We see SD twice a year- usually Christmas and summer. But she's 8 1/2 and I'm wondering when she can start coming to see us? We are both teachers so it would be great if she could come stay with us in Atlanta during the summer but DH thinks she's too young to be away from BM for long. I'm not talking about the whole summer- just a week or two, tops.
She goes on vacations to the IL's and visits with the IL's for that much time and never seems to have a problem. I worry that DH is just afraid to rock the boat by asking (he's not good with confrontation) and it's going to hurt his relationship with SD. I barely have any relationship to speak of with her because we only see her around the IL's and between them and DH I rarely even get to talk to her, much less build a relationship. We're having a baby in March and I want to make sure she knows she's an important part of the family.
So, is 8/9 too young for her to travel to see us and stay for a week or more or is DH being a weeny?
Thanks!
Re: Skids far away
When I was 9 or 10 I started staying summers at my grandparents. When I was 11 I went to sleep away camp for the summer.
I don't think 8 is too young to spend a week with her father.
The poster Tifanco has a CO that she has to send her toddler to her ex for 6 weeks at a time twice a year. She lives in Colombia and he lives in the USA.
Page her and ask her how they keep the relationship between the child and the father.
Your H is being a weenie.
Most children of divorced parents stay with the non-custodial parent for a week over spring break, two weeks over Christmas, and six weeks in the summer. Those might be alternated year to year, but it's actually a pretty standard custody arrangement.
Pinky's seven and she's spent a few weeks in the summer with her father since she was four. She would have started sooner but the ex "couldn't make time" or something dumb.
The bigger question though, is she old enough to fly on her own and honestly, for an international flight that will require layovers and flight changes, no. So you need to prepared for that.
I'd encourage you to seek a CO but I'd imagine there would be some hurdles to that since you're dealing with an international situation. Is the mom's living situation permanent or do you anticipate a move to the US in a few years?
Click me, click me!
Good point about the flying alone part especially if you do not get a direct flight. My SD flew cross-country at 12 without paying for assistance and as we all know the assistance does not really mean they will watch your child. But going through immigrations is tricky if you do not know what you are doing. I do not think she should fly alone internationally until she is at least in middle school and if she is pretty mature it probably needs to wait even longer.
It'd be a good learning experience for her to fly here, and since it'd be her first time, maybe her father could meet her there and fly back. Its important, IMO, for kids to experience multiple cultural climates (I went to school in England for secondary school). Besides, according to your ticker, you are having another one soon, so maybe, since you all wont be able to fly for a little bit, that could be her first trip to visit you guys.... just ask Husband if he could ask BM about DD visiting after the baby is born, for a week or so.....that'd be a great basis, and you can see how well it goes/if she's comfortable, etc
I am going to second or is it third, that he is being a weenie.
First off, most children of divorced parents spend time away from one parent with the other. That is the the nature of the beast.
And for him to not "know" that is rather lame. Especailly when his own PARENTS get the child for extended periods.
To me, that just shows a father who doesn't really want to see his kid...not someone who doesn;t want to rock the boat. I mean really, if his EX is ok letting his parent's see her....how can you say she will keep the baby from from him.
As for the travel part, there are Non Stop Flights from Heathrow to Atlanta on an almost daily basis (I just looked them up). For $200 bucks, you buy the assistance plan and they make sure that your child is taken care of on the plane and if there is a diverson during the flight (they will have someone take her to a hotel and sit with her). You can even get permission (at least you were until the new, enhanced procedures) to go to the gate to pick her up and then walk her through customs.
I know this because we just sent our SS back to visit his mother this past summer, so we are up on the whole thing. As for ages to fly, my SD had to fly back and forth to Germany at 11 (i mean just turned) by herself because BM divorced DH and moved back to the States. BM DEMANDED that SD fly internationally to see her, (side note - would not let SS take a 90 min flight though).
So I know I am about to sound snarky - but it is time to make your DH man up here. Not for you, not even for your SD, but for your soon be born child. Even if this really is about his non-confrontational personality, that is NOT something you want in a parent partner. Because what/how he does/act with his first child is how he is going to act with any subsequent children.
The whole family's relationship with BM is weird. I've only met her a handful of times and though it was kind of awkward, she doesn't seem like a terrible person. The whole family (IL's included) walk on eggshells around her though, as though at any moment she'll say "Well, you can't see her anymore." I agree that DH is a weenie about confronting her and the situation, but he does want to see her. He would just rather have us go there to keep whatever peace he imagines will be shattered by asking to see his daughter.
Thanks for all the advice. The trickiest part in the whole situation is our summer schedules. SD doesn't get out of school until mid-July and we're usually getting ready to head back to school close to then. I've brought up the issue to DH a few times but he always gets really defensive (my guess is he feels guilty for not doing more but is so terrified of whatever BM might say...). I'll try again after the holidays.
His family should sort-of be walking on eggshells b/c she can easily say to the grandparents that visits are ending but he is her father and would need to fight for her then. Twice a year is not enough time to forge a relationship and she will never see him as a Dad if that does not change.
I am confused about the school issue, are you in school? I am not sure why it matters when school in the US goes back. My SD finished school in TN a month before NJ finished and we moved back to NJ right after she finished, she got to enjoy the thought that everyone else was at school while she did nothing that month.
We're both teachers.
I agree that twice a year isn't enough. They do skype once/twice a week, so it's not like they're only seeing each other twice a year, but of course, it's not quality time. We just can't afford to get to England more than twice a year and I know it's going to get harder when we're trying to pay for three of us to get over there (when LO is here) so I'm really hoping to get him to step up and fight for time with SD very soon.