So sorry but just need to vent (long)

caitdana

This is day 15 of our NICU stay with about 10 more weeks and at least 1 heart surgery to go. I have so many thoughts and emotions that no one understand or knows and I need to get it out of my system or I might go off on someone. I am jealous of pregnant people that I see.  I should be just like them and still have my girls inside of me. I am annoyed to be chained to my pump but because that is really the only thing I can do for the girls I will do it as long as possible. I am annoyed with the question How are you doing? Please dont ask me if you dont really want to hear it because I just dont have another ounce of energy for pleasantries. I understand that people have lives and it is not consumed in the NICU like mine is, but please dont "forget" about us. I know people are trying to be helpful but saying things like they will be home any day now or I cant wait to hold them. or my favorite they will be fine.. #1 this is a long battle and realistically they will not be able to come home for a long time. #2 I cant wait to hold them either I had to wait 9 days to hold my youngest and then 13 days to hold my oldest for the first time or to even kiss her head and that is the only time I have held my girls #3 They are not fine or they would not have been born at 27 weeks or have to be connected to machines to help them live. Please dont discount my feelings. I am not sure how I am supposed to feel but if I want to be angry today please let me angry or sad or happy, whatever I need to let out. To the person who brought MRSA into the NICU who could have gotten my girls sick. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?! To my brother who has not even called to check to see how I am doing because he has his first girlfriend at the age of 28. Please learn your nieces names and at least call to check and see if I made it out of my c-section alive and heaven forbid call every now and then to see if the girls are doing okay. I feel guilty that my body was unable to provide for my girls. I know there is nothing I could have done differently but if something happens I would blame myself and hope that others would not blame me too.

 Okay vent done. I understand that these awful things have made me realize how much I love my family and the friends that are actually good friends. DH has been strong when there was no possible way for me to be. He has stepped in his new role better than I ever thought he would.  I am so thankful that today was not a horrible day but I just had to get it out of me.

beyoga

Congratulations!  Your babies are beautiful.  Feelings are just that, feelings.  There is no right or wrong.  My t&p's are with you and your family.  Don't give up hope, babies are resilient.  I gave birth to a 24 weeker on Oct. 2nd.  He is over 2 1/2 pounds and trucking.  And bless your husband for stepping up.  Hang in there!  

AVA0908

I went through every emotion that you just mentioned just like you are now. My son was born at 26 weeks. The only person I could totally and completely depend on knowing what I felt was DH. I stopped answering my cell for the exact same reasons you just stated. It was much more stressful and time consuming to talk to friends and family who had no idea what I was going through.

I didn't know if my son was going to be fine either and I didn't care about others telling me about some random preemie they knew who made it through-because it wasn't MY son. 

My thoughts are prayers are with you, your DH, and your girls.

lemen99

beyoga:

Congratulations!  Your babies are beautiful.  Feelings are just that, feelings.  There is no right or wrong.  My t&p's are with you and your family.  Don't give up hope, babies are resilient.  I gave birth to a 24 weeker on Oct. 2nd.  He is over 2 1/2 pounds and trucking.  And bless your husband for stepping up.  Hang in there!  

Very well said!

I'm so sorry you and your babies are going through this.  Nobody should ever have to.  T&P that they are well soon.

 

kamcfarlane

congratulations on your beautiful baby girls. and big hugs to you - all of us here can relate to what you're going through and will be here any time you need to vent. the NICU sucks.

i think you should tell people the things you told us. i tried so hard to hold it together during our NICU stay that no one understood what we went through. even now, 2 years later, the only people that get it are my mom and husband. i wish now that i wouldn't have been so strong and would have let people know that it wasn't as easy as i tried to make it look. please remember to take care of yourself as well!

 

Amanda705

I feel your pain and completely understand what you're going through.  Thank you for sharing these candid words and speaking so deeply from your heart.  Know that you are in my prayers. 

LWilli35

Congratulations on your little ones!  I can so relate to the emotions you expressed in your post, and I'm glad you got them out...I'm sure just that helped at least a little.  People just don't get it...they can't relate, and they are a lot of times just baffled because they can't grasp the feelings you feel.  But telling you everything's going to be OK is so frustrating, I know.  Lots of love to you and hang in there! 

FisMom

Big, big HUGS to you! I know exactly how you feel. I still feel weird about pregnant women, and DD has been home for 4 months. I hated my pump and couldn't wait to return it, not because it didn't work well, but because of what it represented and because it felt so un-natural. I ran into a co-worker 2 weeks after DD was born. She asked me how I was doing. I burst into tears in the parking lot of a shopping center. After that, I did not leave the house other than to go to the hospital. Two days after DD was born my aunt came to visit. I could barely walk to the NICU. I hadn't yet held her, and my aunt started going on and on about wanting to hold her. I would have hit her except I couldn't even stand for more than a few minutes.

In short, I think everyone on this board has been there. Whenever you feel like this, come here and let it out. We all understand. And it is true that one day they will come home and eventually the life you have now will seem like some distant nightmare.

katedemers

First off, congratulations on your girls. They are so sweet! I had my son at 30 weeks. I also had a C section, and that ALONE is so physically trying, that adding the NICU is just about more than any human can take. Im now pregnant again, and i still feel uncomfortable about pregnant women. When we were in the hospitol wth my son, and a pregnant woman would walk by, Id always say bitterly "show off...". I know you want to be strong, but you wont be able to keep that up forever. What you are feeling is normal, and you need to get it out! If you can only do that by venting here, please keep coming back to do that.  You are going through something that most people never ever have to endure, and theres just a smal number of us who understand. Take care of yourself too. Please keep us updated.

Irishsapphire

I completely understand how you feel about being jealous of other pregnat people.  I used to go the BRU--and it was either they had their babies with them or they were still pregnant.  I just felt a little crazy shopping for a baby who was in the hospital--I kept having to explain it to everyone.  I am glad I did it though, because it did give me one month to completely prepare for baby to come home.  And then when baby came home, I kept having to explain to people why baby was small.  

There is a good series called Love Comes Early on www.pampers.com.  I was in tears --it is about a baby girl named Addyson and her journey in the NICU.  I think it is better to refer people in your life to resources so that they can better understand what you are going through.  

I was very lucky that my brother had a baby girl.  We talk about taking care of a baby all the time.  But my brother in law--he was kind but he has never been married and had a child.  I did have to reach out more to my brother-in-law to include him in my baby's life.  He is my baby's uncle.  I would keep in contact with your brother --either by phone or email and let him know that you would like for your brother to be in their lives.   At our hospital, one parent had to be present for any family or friends to be able to see our baby.  We used to arrange get togethers where the entire family would come to the hospital--grandparents, great grandma, uncle and us--it was kinda crazy because we could only take in one person at a time, but it was completely worth it.  

 

luckycooky

First - hugs!  Your daughters are beautiful!

Second - I went through every emotion listed and every one of them is valid.  I have become especially angry with DH's family and we have actually cut a few of them out of our lives because of their behavior.  (long dramatic story that goes back several years)  Most people don't get it.  I would turn off my phone for 8, 10, 12 hours a day.  I only turned it on for my morning and nightly check ins with the dr. and nurse.  I quit giving updates about day 3 and started a Caring Bridge site.  I told everyone that they could find updates there and I would not be calling.  It was a huge relief!

Third - The worst part about it is, people don't understand that just because your baby is home, doesn't mean you can pass them around a crowd of 20, hop in the car and drive 2 hrs. each way whenever they want to see your child, and that your child isn't neccessarily 100%.  DD was healthy enough to come home but she still had a lot of trouble with her feedings and DH & I were the only ones who could feed her.  DH's aunt had a fit but it was best for my daughter so I told her "This is how it's going to be - deal with it."  Some people are dense and you have to put your daughters above their feelings.  It's ok to be a b!tch sometimes!

ZeesMommy

OMG I can relate. I just haven't voiced these feelings like you have. I think I do feel jealous of pregnant women, particularly those who are about how far along I would be right now---32 weeks. I just didn't realize it. I was in Baby Depot the other day scanning for my registry. That's right scanning. I had my baby so early that I didn't get to have my baby shower. I will still have it, but not until DD gets out of the NICU. I saw preggos EVERYWHERE. And here I am with C-Section scar and a walking cane, scanning for my baby's stuff. I felt a little bitter inside, just didn't what it was at the time. I'm new to all this, this is by far the most stressful thing I have experienced in life. Hang in there. We can relate to what you're going through.

 

Zariah Imani- Born 12 weeks premature on November 12, 2010