Stepson with a new baby on both sides...

ericatc

My husband and I found out about our new baby, then about 12 weeks later my stepson's BM found out she was pregnant as well. We just found out about her pregnancy and I'm really really worried for my SS.

He is 8 and used to being an only child with constant attention. I was looking forward to the fact that he would have some non-baby time while he was with his mom and then could maybe appreciate the baby time he does have and not get overwhelmed when he's here. (1 week on 1 week off)

 I guess my question is... has anyone ever experienced a situation like this? What are the sticky situations we need to look out for, what can we do do make this a little easier of an adjustment?

Any advice would be appreciated!

zigzagnomore

I am pretty new to the board... however I thought I would offor a little advice.

 My children have not been in this situation. Thier BM did just have a baby however I was not preg. at the time. The best sugestion I can give is to just make sure you give him special time. Make sure the time with you is not all about the baby. This may be more difficult when the baby comes... but just try to plan special things for him.

 I don't know anything about the BM situation here... but hopefully she will do the same. It is kind of like a first child in a home with both of its parents... he just needs to have special time for him. If he starts having a difficult time then just try talking and ask him what he would like to do to make things better.

hereonceagain

we were in the exact same situation and IMO the most important thing is that both sets of parents should never ever expect the skids to help take care of the baby (ie make him throw out all poopy diapers, etc).  He didn't have the baby, his parents did.  Although I know the Duggars like that approach   Other than that, a little alone time with child and bioparent is very important. 

It'll work out just fine....most kids in traditional families have new baby siblings around them 100% of the time so it's not really different in that aspect.

mrstarawalsh

I guess I don't see this as being *much* different than if  this weren't a blended family situation (ie. family having a second child). I know my son is considerably younger than your SS but we have tried very hard to make sure he gets quality one on one time with us without baby. Once or twice a week one of us will take him and go do something fun, just him. Either go to the movies, bowling, chuck e cheeses, etc. I think it has helped him adjust easier to the idea of having to share attention. Also, a NICU nurse suggested this and has really helped, it's obvious that sometimes the older child will have to wait while you attend to baby's needs at times. So the nurse suggested that a few times a day you say "Wait, baby, I have to do ____ with stepson" or "Wait, daddy, I have to help SS". That way he feels like he's still just as special and important.

AlenasMommy2010

We are in this situation almost exactly. SS is 5 years old, and BM's daughter is 7 months, and LO is 3 months. He did struggle at first when BM's daughter arrived, he wasn't used to not being the center of attention. He acted out a little when it came to peeing his bed, throwing tantrums, and trying to get any sort of attention he could, even negative. He is with us week on week off as well, and it really took some getting used to for him to become comfortable again.

My advice, and it has worked well for us, is just like PPs said, spend one on one time with him.  We do have him help with her, he helps pick what color bottle she will use or what onesie he likes, but we don't make him clean up messes or anything like that.  Make sure he knows he is still an important and special part of your family, hopefully [unlike ours] your BM will do the same. Going from being an only child to one of three is a really tough situation for them, but he will get used to it, so even if its hard in the beginning, there is hope!

alsbablon

mrstarawalsh:

I guess I don't see this as being *much* different than if  this weren't a blended family situation (ie. family having a second child). I know my son is considerably younger than your SS but we have tried very hard to make sure he gets quality one on one time with us without baby. Once or twice a week one of us will take him and go do something fun, just him. Either go to the movies, bowling, chuck e cheeses, etc. I think it has helped him adjust easier to the idea of having to share attention. Also, a NICU nurse suggested this and has really helped, it's obvious that sometimes the older child will have to wait while you attend to baby's needs at times. So the nurse suggested that a few times a day you say "Wait, baby, I have to do ____ with stepson" or "Wait, daddy, I have to help SS". That way he feels like he's still just as special and important.

 

This is pretty good advice!  If things are amicable between you and BM, ask if she'd like to have lunch so you can hopefully get on the same page, and do the same thing on both ends.  The last thing he needs is one house where baby is center of attention, and one where attention is attempted evenly....he could start to build resentment.

My SD is 16, she turned 16 about a month after our twins were born, and even though shes almost grown up, we do our very best to not make her feel uncomfortable, or put out.  The kiddies were in the NICU for a few weeks, so at one point she thought we were going to forget about her birthday (which she told us was no big deal, their health comes first...which is why we love her, because she has a big heart).  We ended up moving when the twins were two months old, and she decided to stay back home (this is only a 3yr duty assignment before we move back home too), because she is going to an awesome art school.....I think, at any age, its about making them realize they still have a choice, even when there are LOs around.

Let him pick places to go, if he is inclined to be involved with the baby(ies), let him pick out outfits, toys.....the fun stuff.  Not saying let him run the show, but make him feel like a VIP.....if baby has been hogging attention all day, use nap time as SS's time....even if that means you have to put off cleaning up the messiness til bedtime (within reason)

 

Now that SD isnt living under the same roof, itd be easy to overlook her, and its the most important thing to not do that.

 

...sorry for the length.....I blame the monster I had for lunch...