constant reminders :: reality ::

johnnys june

I spent most of the day cleaning the house from top to bottom, followed by loads of laundry, and packing all the odds and ends for our road trip tomorrow.  We're headed out of town for Thanksgiving...a much needed break from reality and from the emptiness of the house.  Anywho, I was exceptionally busy today around the house, which was a nice change.  It offered me a chance to not think about the heartache that plagues me, or cry, or sulk, or be depressed.  Rather than just exist, I was able to feel important and actually look forward to something.

THEN...the mail came...and with it the bittersweet reminder that I'm stuck in reality...that this isn't just some bad dream. The mail box was overflowing today.  And this is the order I saw it in:  2 Sympathy cards, 6 + letters from Healthcare Insurance provider/hospital bills, 2 misc. for hubby, 1 Gerber Life savings thing (with Congratulations), Short term disability check for maternity leave, AND.....my baby boy's social security card.....it was like a sucker punch to the stomache.  I was able to think about my baby boy all day in such positive ways while I cleaned, sang along to the music playing, ect.  Then I received all that...all reminders that he was here and now he's not.  And although I'm so very glad he gets to be perfect and innocent forever, the sting of missing him, desiring him, and relieving the loss of me and my husbands hopes and dreams for him was nearly unbearable.  Luckily, DH got home for work minutes after I opened everything...so I was able to avoid a meltdown.

 Seeing his social security card was so difficult.  One more thing to tuck away in a memory box...

 It's amazing how 1 thing in your day, even late in the day, can make that day seem so long and exhausting!

 *hugs* to all for the holiday!  It's hard to remember to be thankful and happy this year...but I know my Angel Baby would want it!!! Remember that. 

haziedaze

I'm so sorry for your pain and the loss of your LO. Sometimes it's hard to remember, but I agree, there is still so much to be thankful for this holiday (my DH, family, good friends, love, etc). Happy Thanksgiving....

nikki04vb

I'm so sorry for your loss... The reminders are awful.  They always seem to catch you off guard.

dana1318a

I'm so sorry for your loss.  About a month ago 'Seven Slings' was having a promotion where you could order one of their slings and pay only shipping.  The one I wanted was backordered.  No big deal, I had plenty of time before the baby would be here.  So I ordered it anyway.  It came in Saturday    I know how hard that hit me, and it was only one reminder.  I can't even imagine how you felt after receiving all that mail.  I'm so sorry 

cookie_queen

I so hear you on this. I made it through my first day home alone yesterday since my mom left after the service on Saturday and DH went back to work. Then I got the mail and the new issue of parenting the early years was there and the hospital called to tell us all of the paperwork for the birth and the death certificates was ready.

it sucks.