Guest dilemma
Ok, so long story short, I'm going to wind up with 2 showers, simply because my boyfriend's family is HUGE, and so one shower is going to be for just friends, and the other shower is going to be for family. (I didn't plan it this way, the 2 people who offered to host did, and it actually works out well, so I'm 100% ok with it.)
The 'Friends Shower' is not the one I have any issue with. The 'Family Shower' is throwing me for a loop, however, simply due to my boyfriend and I disagreeing on 2 guests. His ex-mother-in-law and ex-sister-in-law. He has 2 sons with his ex-wife, and although he isn't on 'buddy/buddy' terms with her, he's done a great job at maintaining a 'friendly' relationship with her family, for the sake of the boys. I've never had an issue with this, and her family has always been cordial/friendly to me as well.
I'm not a huge fan of his ex-MIL though, simply because she is very 'fake' and I've heard she's said some snarky things about me behind my back, to my boyfriend's sister, etc., but she'll act like my BFF to my face. Also, when she doesn't get her way, (like if she wants to see the boys on a night they are with us, and we have plans or tell her no, she'll essentially throw a tantrum.) She's also very bossy towards my boyfriend, like she feels he owes her something. (I've already told him he needs to stand up to her a bit more....that's a whole different issue, lol) These are just some of the reasons why I choose not to really be 'buddy/buddy' with her, but for the sake of my boyfriend and his sons, I am still nice to her and friendly when I need to be.
Well, I hadn't planned on inviting her to either of my showers, but my boyfriend thinks it would be a good idea to invite her to the family one, . He says if I don't, she'll throw a fit and it will cause drama, since she is still close to some of his family. But I'm of the mindset that I only want people there that I love and that love me and the baby. She's proven in the past to not fall into that category, so I don't feel obligated to have her there....she's not MY mother or mother in law.
Am I being childish with this? Is my boyfriend right? Just looking for some advice, because I don't know what the proper etiquette would be in this situation. I want to avoid any drama at all if possible.
Re: Guest dilemma
It sounds like your BF still thinks of this woman as family. That's a good reason to invite her to a "family shower." This is about your BF too, not just you and the baby.
Our precious girl, born at 27 weeks.
I agree with the latter, however he's expressed to me numerous times how much she frustrates him, and the same things that upset me, also upset him. He's said time and time again that if he ever heard her say anything negative about me, then he would essentially 'tell her how it is.' He really only looks at her as his son's family, and would just as soon not deal with her on a regular basis (which is why his suggestion to invite her confused me a lot).
Despite all this, he wants you to invite her. That implies to me that it matters to him, if for nothing else because she is part of his son's family. And, his son=your stepson=family and your decisions affect a much wider group of people than than just you, the baby, and your BF. That's part of having a big complicated family. This will not change as long as your BF and his sons are part of your life.
Our precious girl, born at 27 weeks.
I see what you mean, and I don't disagree. Let me ask this question then, for the sake of needing perspective....how do you handle knowing that someone you invite to your shower, doesn't really like you that much? I've never given this woman a reason to not like me, and I'm one of those people who, when I'm nice to someone and they still talk crap about me, it really, truly bothers me. I'm good at putting on a smile and just going with it when I need to. I guess from my point of view it just feels like I'm being very fake by inviting her, even though my boyfriend won't see it that way. If it makes him happy, I'm all for it....there's just something that bugs me about it at the same time, and I can't put my finger on it. Could just be pregnant hormones....I dunno, lol.
I would just keep repeating this to yourself over and over. Its important to him, you recognize that and want him to be happy about this celebration for your baby. Those things are not fake. Focus on that and then put your energy somewhere else. Its a few hours of your life and there will be lots of other people there.
Oh and on the "talking crap" part-you have never heard her say any of this. Which means its gossip. Drop it and move it, feeding the drama does not help any of you-particularly not your stepson.Our precious girl, born at 27 weeks.
I find it strange that your BF wants his ex-wife and ex-MIL at your baby shower, and I find it just as strange that they would want to be there.
I guess if everyone remained friends and is friendly toward new spouses, then I could see it working out. But if everyone is just being civil because there are kids involved, I think it could cause a lot of tension and discomfort.
http://pandce.****/index.cgi#general
is it a co-ed shower? then i would consider it...because they would be his guests.
if not, i would definitely not invite them. this is a shower to celebrate you coming into motherhood. it about you and what makes you comfortable and happy.
Why aren't YOUR feelings more important here than hers? A woman who isn't his mom or your MIL, but his EX MIL. How SHE feels matters more?!
That's a huge red flag to me, to be honest! And for the drama/ her throwing tantrum side of it- I'd be telling him that he needs to get his priorities straight here. Because if you dont' put your foot down on this, he will continue to want to 'give in' to her because it's easier.
Dont' make it so easy on him.
And for the record, no, I wouldn't want her there either. It's graet that he has enough of a relationship w/ her that his kids benefit from having her in their lives. But at some point he needs to draw a line.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Sorry, I may not have clarified very well in my original post....his ex MIL and ex SIL, but not his ex wife. She's definitely not invited, haha!
His ex MIL is one of those people who tends to do a lot 'for show.' She's always making a point to tell everyone about the latest 'this-and-that' that she's involved in, and always wants everyone to know how much she's doing for everyone else. So I feel that if she does come, it's only going to be because she wants to show everyone that she's supportive, even though this baby is not related to her, other than through my boyfriend's sons.
I feel like I'm being petty, but at the same time, I think my feelings are also somewhat valid. I'm totally for keeping the peace, if that's what it takes, though.
I honestly would not invite her. She sounds like a drama queen, first off. Even if she wasn't, I think some sorts of events need to be kept separate from Ex-family members. Seriously, if my husband and I got divorced, I would find it extremely unsettling if my mom was invited to his expectant GF's baby shower. Even if they were on great terms. Bottom line, IMO, if this makes you uncomfortable (and it obviously does) then don't invite her. She can send a nice card or gift after the baby comes, if she is really that excited.
Creepy. Good luck with THAT situation.
Yeah, ECB said it best.
Why is her penchant for pitching a fit so much more important than you enjoying your baby shower?
http://pandce.****/index.cgi#general
I agree with you both on this. It's bothered me before that he not only lets her walk all over him, but that he brings it into our lives in certain ways. Like I said, an issue we're definitely already working on, lol. Takes time, I suppose.
As far as her tantrums, the thing is, it would never be an outright 'fit' of sorts. But she's really petty, and so she'll find ways to make even the smallest of things into a huge issue. (For example, she wanted to take the boys on an impromptu trip to Disneyland over their fall break, with just her and her husband. She made it clear that it would be just the 4 of them, and that neither my boyfriend or her daughter were invited. The boys have never been, and we are actually planning a trip for this summer, when we can take all 4 kids, and after the baby is born. We've been saving for it for a while, and planning it since May. We wanted their first experience to be with at least one parent, where we could all enjoy the memory. When my boyfriend told her he'd prefer to wait, and the reasons why, she accused him of planning it just so she couldn't take them, and said he was being an a$$hole.) Just one example of the silly drama.
I'm rambling now anyways....sorry. Just had to list one of the many examples I have of this.
Well, then let her be petty. Let her make pointless accusations. Quite honestly, she was out of order to want to take the boys to Disney World w/o either of their parents. That's not her decision to make.
Here's the thing you all (and ESPECIALLY your BF) need to realize- she acts like this because it works. She gets her way. So, why shouldnt' she act like this?
Back to the Disney thing- he's the parent. he needs to simply say "This isn't your decision. I dont' want them going until they go w/ me.". She gets pissy? "Sorry you feel that way, but this is my decision". Period. No lengthy explanations.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You can't see me, but I'm standing up and applauding you for saying exactly what I've been trying to explain to my boyfriend for a while now. Same thing with some children I've seen....they throw tantrums, parents give in, child gets his/her way, and the cycle repeats. Because it works.
Interesting that I chose to compare her to a child, lol.
I'm going to go back to what I said before, though. Put this to your BF. Why are HER feelings more important than yours? Because you don't stand up and throw a fit, he thinks he can just push your's aside to appease her?
You need to put this to him and he needs to give you an answer. Why is she more important than you?
As much as this is about him standing up to her, this is also about you standing up to him. You dont' want to have to resort to her tactics, but I think you need to push him on this and you need to make him uncomfortable.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
"When my boyfriend told her he'd prefer to wait, and the reasons why, she accused him of planning it just so she couldn't take them, and said he was being an a$$hole.) Just one example of the silly drama"
um, ya,,,she should definitely not be invited. she has no boundaries and your husband needs to set some. if he doesnt do it soon, my guess is youll end up losing respect for him. and eventually be angry that you tried to "keep the peace".
My H is still friends with his Ex-wife and Ex- in laws. We invited them to our wedding however I will NOT be inviting them to my shower. If she tends to cause drama then I would not invite her. The shower is for family but she is not exaclty family, his children are.
Ummmm....this is YOUR shower, not your BF's. You are the one giving birth, not him. He's needs to take a back seat in this. He's aware that you aren't into these people and should respect your wishes not to have them there.
I honestly think it would be weird on her part to actually come to a shower for her ex SIL's new girlfriend.