Are we being selfish????

claytonswife2011

So currently my hubby and I are pregnant with our 3rd son...he feels bad bc after this baby I'm getting my tubes tied...he had a thought about maybe adopting a little girl in about 5 years or so...I kinda like the idea of knowing that this way there won't be any guess work and we will get a little girl...However I can't help but feel that we are being selfish since we already have kids of our own...when there are people out there who can't have kids...what do you think?

Dr.Loretta

A few things:

Some agencies won't let you choose the sex of a child you adopt

Adopted children are kids of your own, just as biological children are. It's a point of language/semantics, but we take it pretty seriously around here

Not everyone who can't have kids chooses to adopt, not everyone who adopts is infertile, and plenty of people with children adopt.

I would have a serious conversation about his mindset behind his desire to adopt

claytonswife2011

My husband and I both come from adoptive families so we know what it's like...we have always dicussed adopting even before we had kids...the only thing that is different now is that we have 3 biological children (well 2 and one on the way) The only thing that had me second guessing the situation is I had metioned it to a friend of mine and she said that I was being selfish since we already have kids...which the selfish thing had never occured to me. Maybe I should of chosen my words better for what I was trying to say...

MayDayGirl

I won't lie my answer today is yes. But I am in a pissy mood and so fricken tired of heartbreaks and let downs in this ridiculous hand we've been dealt. I feel like people who just want the gender of their dreams are taking away babies from the rest of us.

But any other day I wouldn't have answered this way.

DrL made some good points.

ETA:

Ok this really isn't fair. If someone wants to spend the tens of thousands of dollars and go through the potential heartbreaks and long wait times to adopt a baby, then good for them. There are LOTS of babies who need homes.

I just am having a hard time seeing straight lately and I feel so frustrated that adoption can happen so easily for some people and is so rotten for others (like us).  Most likely because you have 3 beautiful children, it will happen easily for you. That has been my experience.

 

foundmylazybum

MayDayGirl:

I won't lie my answer today is yes. But I am in a pissy mood and so fricken tired of heartbreaks and let downs in this ridiculous hand we've been dealt. I feel like people who just want the gender of their dreams are taking away babies from the rest of us.

But any other day I wouldn't have answered this way.

DrL made some good points.

ETA:

Ok this really isn't fair. If someone wants to spend the tens of thousands of dollars and go through the potential heartbreaks and long wait times to adopt a baby, then good for them. There are LOTS of babies who need homes.

I just am having a hard time seeing straight lately and I feel so frustrated that adoption can happen so easily for some people and is so rotten for others (like us).  Most likely because you have 3 beautiful children, it will happen easily for you. That has been my experience.

 

::::reaches out for MayDay's hand::::gives it a squeeze::::

:::Goes back to lurking:::: 

boymamaco

I'm new here so take it with a grain of salt. If I were in your shoes, I'd be thrilled that I had 2 (3) healthy children. That is really what should and does matter, IMO.

But I've always known that I want to adopt in addition to having biological children (if we are so blessed) because I have a heart for it.

Art Teacher

Many agencies will not allow you to pick/choose if you want to adopt a boy or girl.  Our agency was like that.  I know there are a few agencies out there that allow it, but we didn't come across any in our search (we weren't looking for it, either, though.)  I suppose it might be different with older children, but I'm not familiar with adopting someone older than a newborn so I'm not sure how that works.

I don't think wanting to adopt is selfish if you want to add to your family and are doing it because you and your dh have more love to give another child.  That being said, that child will be your own, just like your biological children.  I think I agree with the other posters that you and your dh will need to talk about your reasons for wanting to adopt and if it's really right for you and your family.

 

Go_Dawgs

I wouldn't say you are selfish, but I also think that you probably don't realize what you are in for if you plan to adopt and specifically want a girl.

Most agencies won't let you pick your gender.  If you do want to pick your gender, you can expect to spend more money.  Our adoption consultant says that if a client is picking a specific gender, she requires at least a $30,000 budget - and that's not including travel expenses and finalization.  You can easily spend $40,000+ total.  

Adoption is amazing, but it's not always a walk in the park.  You could bring your baby home and then have to give her back because the birth mother changed her mind.  This has happened to several girls on this board.  You could also be matched and the birth mom changes her mind right before or after birth.  There are girls on this board who have had this happen multiple times before bringing home their baby (and others with multiple failed matches who are still waiting).  Also know that a failed match usually means lost money - often $10,000 or more. 

Having three children, especially since they are all bio, may make your wait longer - especially if you are already limiting your situations to only female babies.  Many birth moms want childless couples.  Many other birth moms are fine with siblings, but they want these to be adopted children so their child isn't different from the others.

If you are open to adopting an older child or an african american child, then your adoption journey may not be as difficult as I describe.  However, if you are only interested in newborn caucasian females, just know that it can be quite expensive with a long wait.

 

Art Teacher

Go_Dawgs:

Having three children, especially since they are all bio, may make your wait longer - especially if you are already limiting your situations to only female babies.  Many birth moms want childless couples.  Many other birth moms are fine with siblings, but they want these to be adopted children so their child isn't different from the others.

Just a comment on this...we were also told that the more limitations you put on what type of situation you are willing to accept (ie, birthmom used drugs, used alcohol, had certain conditions,etc.), the longer it could/would take for a match.  I agree with Go Dawgs that having bio children already could make for a longer wait -  not definitely, but it could.

lilmufish

No, It's not being selfish - I think it's amazing when anyone reaches out and wants to adopt a child that someone else cannot parent.

Do I think you're being realistic? Nope. Do I expect you to be at this point? Nope!  Since you're at the beginning of your adoption journey I'd encourage you to read some books on adoption, look into all 3 types of adoption (Domestic, International and Foster to Adopt) and decide which is best for you and your family.

I'm confused when you wrote "I kinda like the idea of knowing that this way there won't be any guess work"    The line in my signature pretty much is my answer to that.   In adoption - no matter what type - it's a whole game of guessing, and waiting, and hoping and not knowing. The unknown is the roughest part of the whole process.

I think all of the above posters discussed the "...we will get a little girl..."  at length and i'm sure you get their point. However, I do want to mention that in our county if you foster to adopt, you can choose genders, alot of foster parents actually chose male or female.  We've been told several times we are unique b/c we'll accept either gender.

Good luck on your adoption journey, stick around, ask questions. The girls on this board are honest, supportive and helpful. 

claytonswife2011

My husband and I have been talking and I wish I would of put in more details to our situation in our original post...Both DH and I were in the system my dad adopted me as his own. My husband was in the system for most of his life until he was finally adopted in high school...we both have contact with our biological families along with our adopted families... when we were first married before we ever had our first child we both agreed that we wanted to be foster parents and to adopt at least one child. (the only reason why now we want that child to be a girl is because we have 3 boys) We know the hardships of adoption because we were the children in those cases. We also know that it can be hard on the people wanting to adopt one of my best friends went through 3 failed adoptions (most of them were because the birth mothers didn't like the fact that she was a lesbian) then with her last attempt it took 3 years and she finally got her little boy...I was by her and her partners side the whole time offering what help I could... We are lucky that we have 3 biological children and I love them all However we would love to be able to give a child a good home rather than them being passed around from home to home...foster adoption is the type of adoption for us...We do plan on getting and older child either elementary school or younger...because I am taking psychology I know that the older the child the more of a risk we have of the child having psychological issues and we are prepared for that...as far as the race or background of the child we are not picky about that (my husband was the only caucasian child out of the 5 his parents adopted the rest were of different races the parents were both white) we just want to be able to provide a loving family and home to a child who may not get to have one.

noonecarewhoiam

Personally, I do not believe in adoption as the means to gender-balance a family. I don't know if selfish is the term I would use, however.

smith486

When I read your first post, I was thinking along the same lines as MayDay, because I am just really tired of everyone around me getting pregnant and having baby after baby pop out no problem.The holidays make it a little tougher for me and I am sick and tired of WAITING!!!

I appreciate the clarification you provided in this last post. I do not think anyone doing foster to adopt could be selfish. If you are in the position to financially and emotionally provide for a child and are able to get them out of the system, do it! 

lrrb

Adopting has NOTHING to do with having your own children or not.  And adoption is not a "quick fix" for infertility or for infertile couples only.  In fact if more people would consider adoption for their family there would be no needy child.  I think its awesome that your husband would consider adoption its just another way to grow your family it has nothing to do with what your family looks like now and its not selfish to want to adopt, thats just crazy to even think that.  GL to you.

jehnm

Thank you for posting more information about your specific situation.  I think time will tell if what you are considering now actually comes to be.  I have friends that wanted 4-5 children and once that third one was born, they decided they were finished.  I have other friends who have 1-4 biological children and then felt called to adopt.  A few have already adopted and a few are still in the waiting period.  I think you and your husband have a great background to consider being foster parents and choosing to adopt a little girl will be a huge gift to someone if you decide to grow your family in that way.  Like someone else said, if more people would consider adoption there would be no child without parents!!  I wish you well on your journey!

Go_Dawgs

smith486:

I appreciate the clarification you provided in this last post. I do not think anyone doing foster to adopt could be selfish. If you are in the position to financially and emotionally provide for a child and are able to get them out of the system, do it! 

Ditto.  Adopting from foster care is absolutely not selfish.  If you are open to older children and children of other races, you are actually doing a really wonderful thing by adopting, because those kids need good homes.   

claytonswife2011

Thank you. As far as the time thing goes we are going to wait between 5-10 years before we become foster parents and adopt. One of the main reasons is so the boys will be old enough to understand whats going on.

mrsfirefly

No, if there's a child that needs you, you are not being selfish.  I think the person who said that just resents you for being so blessed with the three you already have.  Like I felt bad telling one of my friends when I got pregnant because I knew she'd been trying for ages.  Selfish of me?  No.  But is it reasonable if she resented me a little?  Sure.  

 You are, however, just a little selfish by wanting to request a girl.  Just being honest, though I don't think it's necessarily terrible of you or anything like that.