Domestic adoption- Long match waits

silliestbunny

I am curious to know if you have an opinion about being matched with someone early in their pregnancy.

DH and I may be losing perspective... when we see due dates of late April and May, we get worried and concerned.  We are quick to make assumptions about situations and worry that someone pursuing early in pregnancy that's not placed before may not be willing to follow through. 

We had a five month wait for our first failed match.  The wait time was fine because we weren't cyncial and assumed it would work out.

Now, we worry about the wait. We are working with various facilitators that keep do a great job of presenting situations but it's hard to screen for "quality" since they work with various agencies and lawyers. 

I know we need to trust but it's hard.... especially when we could wait five or six months and have to start all over again.

So, did you have any requirements about matching later in pregnancy? 
Any thoughts?? 
Thanks!

GulfCoaster

I would be very uncomfortable with matching early in pregnancy, because of the higher risk.  Some agencies and lawyers refuse to match early in pregnancy, focusing on providing services (like counseling) when the birth mother first contacts them and providing profiles only once the birth mother reaches a certain point in her pregnancy or has gone through a certain amount of counseling.

I like that approach.  But, I think it is a decision that each PAP needs to make for themselves -- some will be comfortable with early matches, others might not be.  I don't think there's a right or wrong answer, necessarily.

kgs0505

Hey Silliest -

This is part of why I went with our agency. The fact that they don't match until 3rd tri made me way more comfortable.  I know someone on here had an early early match (WillieB?) and it worked out, but I don't know how common that is.  Of course, this is not to say that a 3rd tri match would work out either...  It's all so hard.

Dr.Loretta

Our agency discouraged e-moms from making any match decisions until the 7th month or later.

silliestbunny

Thanks.... I needed to hear that we weren't just being over sensitive.  

MayDayGirl

I told my sw a few months back I absolutely could not entertain a match longer than a month. For my own sanity.

But recently we did agree to be shown to a bmom who is due in March.  She won't choose a family till december, so it wouldn't even be THAT long to some, but really long to us, if we were chosen.

But she really wants to bond with the family and get to know them, which we would love, so we agreed.

Who knows we might be nuts.

But honestly I wouldn't do longer than 3 months, it's just not worth it because I'm so pessimistic these days I can't even possibly fathom it working.

HUGS.

Alicia_22

I am also at the same place as you are! Luckily our agency does not allow them to pick a family until the expectant mother is 7 months along (unless there are special circumstances). Even the 2 month wait seems long to me right now after what all we have been through though.

Amy720

Our failed match was an early match (BM was 12 weeks).  I was so worried about it and paranoid that she was going to change her mind and then she started calling us telling us that she needed more money or she was going to go somewhere else.  Come to find out, she shopped that baby around to 4 other families before letting the last family adopt.

 The agency we were matched with next didn't match until the 7-8th month and many of the matches were after the child was already born (which was our case).  This match was great for me after dealing with the earlier one.

Wish I could offer advice.  Good luck!

slaintexas

Ditto what everyone else said. Our agency won't match until the 3rd trimester and I'm vey happy about that.  We matched with DD's BM 7 weeks before her birth.  That worked really well for us.  We had time to get to know the BM and prepare for the birth.

One of my co-wokers is using a different agency and she has been matched since early July with a BM due around Christmas. It's been a huge rollercoaster.  I don't know that I would have been strong enough to go through all that she has.

hersheykiss

Honestly it all depends on the situation. In my situation I knew I was pregnant at 6 weeks, and decided to complete an adoption plan by the time I was 12 weeks. I didn't chose the agency until about 5-6 months along, and while I didn't make the official choice of the adoptive family until I was 9.5 months, I knew who I wanted at 8 months. I never faltered once I made the decisions, there were just logistics that had to be worked out and the family I picked was not officially on the active list.

jehnm

Our agency doesn't allow birthmoms to even start reviewing profiles until they are in their third trimester.   I agree with the thinking that moms should feel the movement, find out the sex, have the baby become as real as possible to them before they make that decision.  Having just had the situation we did, I don't think I'll ever believe it's real until we've been to court and are bringing the baby home.  A long wait wouldn't work for us!

mom2dp

My husband and I were matched with our first DS's BM when she was 7 Mo pregnant. Even though we felt confident that she was pretty set on her decision, it was still a rough 3 mo. If we didn't hear from her we'd (mostly myself, not DH)would get nervous and the worst thoughts would go through my mind. The upside to having to wait that long is that we got to go to a few of her appointments and we got to meet with her and really get to know her. 

The stuff we learned about her, her family, and her background is invaluable.

We were matched 3 weeks before our second DS's due date (he ended up coming 2 days after we met his BM) so we weren't able to get to know her. It was nice because we didn't have an extended time to worry about what could happen, but at the same time, we weren't able to get to know her.

I think there is positives and negatives to both sides, in the end, I think it works out either way though!

Good luck on your journey! 

Temp206787500007404

There are pros and cons to both an early match and a late match.

In both of our situations, they were an early match.  One failed, one didn't.

For Payton's birthmother, it was VERY important to her that she have time to get to know us.  One thing that stuck out to us and the attorney was her statement that there was no way she could let her baby go home with someone she had only known for a few weeks...she was a mother herself already and for her, she had to have that comfort level.  Of course, it helped that we live in the same community, so we could forge that bond.

Our attorney discouraged her from matching early from Day 1.  She originally went to see our attorney when she was 7 weeks pregnant.  Our attorney talked about the process, encouraged her to utilize multiple counseling options available to her, and showed her some profile books as samples...well, she picked us at that moment and said she didn't want to talk to anyone else.  Obviously 7 weeks is way too early, the attorney told her why, encouraged her to get counseling and said she would stay in touch and that they would work on choosing AP's somewhere around 7 months.   Around 11 weeks, things started getting crazy in birthmother's personal life, and she felt like the pregnancy was a no-win and with no support and not being sure what future she or her baby would have, she felt like the only way out was to get an abortion...so off she went to a women's crisis center.  They provide services to women who parent, women who want an abortion, and women who want to plan an adoption. 

She ended up not getting an abortion, utilitizing some of their counseling options and community services, and going back to the attorney.  She told her how important it was that she could meet and get to know the AP's, that she wanted a relationship with them, and that she needed those things to be able to move forward, and so we were matched with her at 15 weeks pregnant and survived the 5.5 month wait just fine.  It was sometimes high drama (but she just is...that's her life with everyone), but she had a heart of gold and it was obvious that she wanted to do what was best for all of her kids, including Payton...and for her, her mother's heart just was not able to wrap her mind around handing her baby to someone that she only knew for 4-6 weeks.  And as a mother now, I get that and think it's a wise decision.  She had a long time to see how DH and I are as a couple, she met some of our family and friends, we spent lots of time with her family, when she went home from the hospital, she said her greatest comfort was that she knew what Payton's home looked like and what we looked like in it...where her bottles were stored...what our routine looked like.  She had seen the intimate details of our life and it gave her great comfort.  I can't disagree with that and say it's a poor idea knowing how wonderful it was for us and what a gift it is that we can tell Payton so much about her BM (if she ever decides to stop having contact or as much with us).

gstf344

I agree with Mrs. B-there are pros and cons to both situations. The match we have had now is a long match.  We have been with her since 19 weeks.  In her situation it was very important that she was matched early and was able to form that bond with us.  She also could not imagine having her child go home with someone that she had only known for a few weeks.  I get it and I think if I was an expectant mom I would feel the same way. 

I love having this relationship with her and wouldn't trade it for anything.  We go to all her doctor's appts. with her, go shopping and have dinner with her and her Mom.  I'm happy that if it does all work out we will have tons of stories and things to tell our son about his BM during the times that he doesn't see her.  After he is born we have already set up times we want to see her and she even has voiced that she would like to meet some of our family members.  I think you have to look at every situation and decide on what feels right for you.