Step Grandmother

kirbnjame48

Let me start by saying I know I'm worrying in advance, but I would like to have a plan when this comes up.  My stepmother who has been married to my dad for 6 years now, is very excited that I'm having a baby.  This is the first grandchild for my parents so I didn't really think of what the official titles would be for my mom, dad, and stepmother and ILs.  I wouldn't have thought of it either, but I asked the crazy stepmother what she wanted for Christmas and she said things that says grandma.  I didn't say anything then, but it's been bothering me.  Now she is posting on her facebook that she can't wait to be a grandma and has a bunch of comments from people asking how this could be when my half brothers are only 5 and 7. She does have her own kids, so she'll be a grandmother eventually.   I call her by her first name because she is by no means a mom to me and we aren't terribly close.  I don't think the baby will be her granddaughter, but more of her husband's granddaughter.  Is there anyone out there who has a step-grandparent that could offer me some insight on what to do here?  I don't want to offend her, but I don't know that I'm comfortable with her sporting a "World's Best Grandma" sweatshirt.

atokdog

I am unofficially in this same boat.  My father died almost 3 years ago from liver cancer at age 48 and my mother is currently engaged to someone else.  I have no intention of having LO call mom's fiance "grandpa" or any form thereof.  He is not her grandfather.  When LO gets old enough to talk she will call him by his name, Jeff.  Jeff has 3 grown children and 2 out of the 3 children have kids already, so he has his "own" grandchildren.  My sister has 2 children, ages 9 and 1, and her children are not going to call Jeff "grandpa" either.  Maybe this makes us sound like horrible people but that is just the way my sister and I feel. 

I would just be honest with your stepmother about your feelings.  If Jeff ever asks me about being called grandpa by my LO I will explain to him that I am uncomfortable with it and why.  I am a very honest and direct person though and don't worry too much about hurting people's feelings.

lunchtimebride

I think the fact that she's married to your father means she will be your daughter's grandmother. There are all kinds of relationships in families - my dad has been living with a woman for like 10 years, and they're not married, but I am sure she will be like a grandmother to our baby when it's born. It won't be the same as it is with my mom, of course, but it will be a different kind of grandmother, you know what I mean? And if you love and support your dad, I think you should try to welcome her role in your growing family. That being said, I hear you on the "world's greatest grandma" sweatshirt. Maybe you can drop the "world's greatest" and get her a coffee mug or ornament that just say "grandma" along with an unrelated gift (pocketbook, blouse, set of soaps - something you would normally give to her).  

themissizz

I think it all depends on how you feel about the person.  My husband's father passed away before we started dating and his mother remarried a guy who is pretty much a loser.  My husband doesn't care for his mom's new husband and neither do I, so our child will not know him as their grandfather, but as their grandmother's husband and will call him by first name.  If we had a great relationship with him, it might play out differently.

Murdock12

I know it's not easy, but keep in mind that regardless she's still going to be your child's grandparent.  Anything you've been through with her (perhaps a messy divorce or something) has been wiped clean with this LO.  Unforutnately I think the mistake was in asking her what she wanted to be called rather than suggesting some cute names.  Is your mom still alive?  If so, what does she want to be called.  Maybe you explain that your mom wants to be "grandma" so what if she's nana or some other cute nickname (my step MIL is Jo Jo to the kids).  Try to be excited that she wants to be invovled. 

JaneG2011

A child can never had enough grandparents.  I had 6 growing up so I know!  I did have one step grandmother that i just called by her first name because she prefered it.  Otherwise I think your kids should call your step parents whatever they want to be called.  If you're not comfortable with Grandma then maybe Grandma-(fill in first name here) would be a little better. 

 

janecanadian

Kid's aren't going to care about the history between you and your stepmom, they are totally innocent.  So why bring your beef with her into this?  I mean, if she's done you some harm in some way then that's another story but if they only thing she's done wrong is marry your dad and try and play that role the best she can then why deny her the excitement?  It's really hard coming into a relationship with someone who has kids.  You never know where or how you fit in.  Let alone when your new partner's kids are having kids.  Yikes!  Maybe it's your dad getting her excited talking about how she's going to be a grandma.  All your child will see is someone who loves them and cares for them.  If they're calling your dad Grandpa let them call your step-mom Grandma.  if your uncomfortable with that call her bonus-grandma or something like that.  Just my two cents.  Only you know for sure what you are comfortable with though. 

PonyMaid

I'm not in this situation in the same way but i have a "step-grandmother" who I have always called by her first name.  She married my PaPa before I was born but I just never called her grandma.  My parents didn't make us call her (or anyone else) anything.  She was very nice to us but always seemed more like a family friend than a Grandma.  I do recall when I was around 9 she asked me to call her Grandma C____ but I never did because it didn't feel right.  Since I've become an adult she has not been part of my life (on her own doing).  I invited her to both my high school and college graduations and she did not come.  She also did not attend my wedding (she forgot) and is not attending my baby shower tomorrow.  She lives about 5 minutes from me and we do not really talk.  I think the relationship we "had" was more because of my PaPa but that was just in our case.  Your stepmother seems very excited (from what I was told she never was) and seems to want to be a part of LO's life.  It is ultimately your decision.  I hope you find something that makes you comfortable. GL! 

cnu_gurl

I have a step grandmother and a step grandfather. I call both of them by their names. Although sometimes we will put grandma or grandpa in front of their names. I am much closer to my step grandmother than my grandfather. I have always refered to her as a grandmother, but not really "called" her grandma... if that makes any sense. I dont know if that is something that was taught to me as a child, or just something that I did. I guess what makes it easier is that all of the grandparents got along. So there was no tension there if I called the step grandma.. "Grandma Mary-Jane"..

I think it also depends on how long the two have been together. My mom re-married...and I just didnt get along with her husband (they have since split up) but when talking to DD about him, we would call him by first name.

I dont know if this helped at all... but its my experience.

LukeAndAmanda

With my stepdaughter, we already have been going through this. She was 1 when I started dating Fi, but she calls my parents "Grandma ____ and Grandpa _____" and she does the same with her stepfathers parents, and her mom and Fi's parents. I don't think it needs to be any more difficult than that, unless your child comes up with their own name for them, which a lot of kids do!

AndreaB111

If your step-mother is going to act the role of a grandparent to your child, then I personally don't mind the title.

Both my paternal grandparents were remarried when I was born, and I have always called my step-grandparents by affectionate names ("papa" and "grandma"). While they may not be my father's parents, they were always grandparents to me in every way that mattered.

erind0213

My mom my father, after having a marriage and 3 children with another man.

My siblings are 12, 13 and 16 years older then I am. We are a very unified family, and I very rarely refer to my siblings as 1/2 brother or sisters.

Growing up my brother and sisters lived with us, and when the oldest sister had her first child it was decided my Father would be Pop-Pop Dave and that my brother and sisters Father would be Pop-Pop Bud. At first when my sister announced that she was pregnant we joked that my dad would be called "Just Dave" but knowing he would be Pop-Pop just like his father was.

But in our situation my father came into their lives when they were still very young, and was very involved in their lives when growing up. So we knew my dad would be a grandfather. My LO will actually be his first biological grandchild.

I guess it depends on your relationship with her.  Perhaps something you can discuss with your father.

trinadesrosiers

My nieces and nephews all call my stepdad ( who I refer to by his name only) Grandpa Rod and his grandkids call my mom Grandma Lainey, therefore they have multiple grandparents including both my parents and the other side.  They have been married for about 10 years, and we all have a decent or good relationship with him, They have always done this, but at 8 and 6 they both realize he is actually a step-grandpa, it doesn't really matter to them though.  My brothers wife had a kid before they were together as well and she calls me aunty, I think of it as the same thing really.

Jherz

Both my sisters had children last year and I will be having my little one in 3 weeks and they (and me) came across a similar problem. Even if your mother and father are still married (ous are), it can still be difficult to the LO to have grandma on one side and grandma on the other side so they were trying to think of clever names to differentiate between them. Our mom didn't like the idea of "grandmother" so she decided on "grandmare" and the grandma  on the other side chose "honey." The grandma on my other side chose "grammie." Maybe you could suggest this as to not offend her. Tell her your mom already chose grandma, and you want a "clever" name for her. This way LO isn't confused and you get what you want too!!

LadybugPicnic2011

I have it from both sides. My moms mom died when she was 14 and her dad remarried.  The woman he remarried is who I call Grandma...She is the one who did all the grandma stuff with me for my moms side... She divorced my Grandpa about 10 years ago and got remarried about 5 years ago.  I call her new husband by his first name or Grandpa first name.  My kids just call him Grandpa or Great Grandpa.  They will know the entire family diversity when they ask or we actually sit down to do a family tree together, but till then, they are happy to have one more person that will spoil them and love on them.  This in no way diminishes my Blood Grandpa's relationsip with anyone.  HTH

dasaher

My stepkids call me by my first name (although we've been working on the possibility of coming up with a good title for me...), and when my mom was visiting and they called her by her first name, it really didn't sit well with me.  They already have an Oma & Opa (their mom's parents) as well as a Nana (my MIL) and Meemaw (my hubby's foster mom), so I started looking at different languages to find something cool for my parents.  We aren't Greek, but Yaya and Papou were settled on by the kids, and one of them actually changed Yaya to Yama, so that's what they call my parents.  To me, it's about honoring their place in our family, even though there is no blood tie.  My parents are grandparents, just like I'm a mom, even though we arrived at these stations a little differently than some.  It's respectful, but doesn't step on anyone's toes, either.

ps0812

My dad died 9 years ago. I still keep in touch with my stepmother and my kids will definitely call her Grandma First Name(I call her by her first name). Like others have said, kids are innocent of "adult issues" and there's no reason, IMHO, that if she is going to be an active part of their lives she shouldn't have a grandmother title-especially considering how excited she is about it! When they get older and curious you can always explain the logistics of the situation if you want.