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Hawaii Babies
lelekay
member
*Nicole*
lelekay
member
I saw your reply to the post below, and it made me smile......I just wanted to say that the very first thing I learned after bringing Henry home was that most of my "plans" went out the window! Vaginal birth....nope. CD....nope. Even bfing for me didn't even come close to going as planned.
Not that you shouldn't make plans, or do your best to stick with them if they are important to you. But don't beat yourself up about it if you can't. With time, you may find compromises to some of your plans (like I pumped for as long as I could instead of bfing, since H hated, I mean hated it, and CDing only part time), or you'll just learn to let things go that in the long run, just plain aren't that important.
I just felt the need to say this since in the beginning, I cried many nights to MH about how all my "plans" were going out the window, and "therefore I'm a terrible mother." Don't think that for even a moment! I don't want you to feel like I did. Hank's so lucky to have you as a mama, even if your "plans" don't go as planned. 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: *Nicole*
*crashing the thread*
just had to say - i LOVE your new siggy pics! I cannot believe how big Henry is already. every time i see that photo of him grinning up from his book, it makes me smile. he is such a cutie!!
and Nicole - i've been meaning to email you, or at the very least, respond to your thread! soon... I've been thinking of you lots!!
*out again*
Crashing... amen to this Leah! I completely agree! There are no 'set plans' in parenthood really, are there? We just go with the flow and I follow his lead
I love Hawaii!
Tara & Ian . 4/24/2008 . The Kahala Planning . Married
Awww! Thank you so much! He'a totally growing like a weed.....I can't wait until his next doctor appt. to find out how much he weighs this time! And the smiles these days! I swear, every day he smiles more and more, and I love it!
*also crashing*
I just wanted to say that I agree 100%. Not that you can't have plans and they can't work out perfectly, since they absolutely do for some people...but they don't for everyone, and when that happens, it's OK.
You wouldn't believe the guilt I felt over some of our plan changes. Well, maybe you would since my whole BFing drama played out on this board, but the point is that I felt like a terrible mama. Looking back, I know it was partly hormones but also just that I felt such intense pressure to do the "right" thing that when that turned out to be impossible for me, I felt like an utter failure. I can't begin to count how many times I sobbed over how I'd "failed" my boys.
In the end, I actually got a little angry at the nurses etc who had bombarded me with messages about how anything other than BFing was akin to poisoning my children - I understand that they want to get the message out there, but there has got to be a way to do it that doesn't make those of us who can't manage it feel like sh!t, and I think the same goes for things like c-sections as well (in my birth class, you'd have thought a c-section was an express ticket to hell the way the instructor spoke about it and that only lazy women who didn't deserve to have children would even consider it as an option).
I'm not at all saying that it's bad to have plans or ideals, but if they don't work out, please don't beat yourself up. I do really hope that all your other plans go perfectly, but just in case they don't...it's OK. Hank has the perfect mama for him and you will always do what is best for his needs.
Hi Leah! Thanks so much for thinking of me. And Tara, you know you are my voice of reason. Lisa...thanks for sharing your own experience, too. I'm so comforted to know I'm not alone in my feelings and emotions.
The funny thing is that I've always considered myself a very practical, reasonable, rational person. I am a planner, for sure, but with things like work and other life situations, I've always left room for flexibility.
Even before Hank was born, I told myself that these were just "plans" and that we'd just see how things go. Go with the flow. Roll with the punches. Listen to the advice/research of friends and the "experts", but only take what is applicable to us and toss out the rest. But OMG, when he was actually born, I just got this overwhelming feeling that I was somehow setting him up for a lifetime of failure by deviating from the plans I had made based on many, many hours of research and analysis. From getting the epidural, to having a c/s, to giving him a bottle of formula at just 3 days old, to using disposable diapers longer than 1 week. After so many of my plans fell through, I was just at such a loss...I didn't know what to do. All of these things I thought were "right" for us suddenly weren't. Now what?
Breastfeeding had a rocky start. Since I didn't get to hold H right away after his birth, I missed his alert period and he was just too tired to latch on. He also didn't quite know how to suck until he was 2 or 3 days old. Plus, I have flat/inverted nipples. I know the experts say this shouldn't be a problem, but it is for H. So, I've been using a nipple shield to nurse him, but even that is starting to take its toll. I've been having nipple soreness (since the nipple shield concentrates baby's sucking to mostly the nipple vs. the nipple + areola) and nursing is just so much more time-consuming than I imagined! I know I sound lazy, but I wonder if pumping and bottle-feeding EBM would be a better alternative for me. Yeah, I know that means taking the time to pump and warm/clean bottles, but it might be what's best for my psyche.
(BTW, if you bottle-feed, how do you handle outings? Do you just bring chilled bottles with you and find a place to heat them up? Or does your LO not mind cold milk/formula?)
My mom keeps telling me to cut myself some slack. Even my OB/GYN keeps telling me, "Don't be a martyr!" (concerning beating myself up for the plans that fell through or continuing with nursing if it's just not working out for us).
Like Leah said, it's about compromise. The goal was to have a safe delivery and healthy baby. Instead of a vaginal birth, we were able to achieve the same outcome via c/s. If I pump and bottle-feed (maybe not exclusively...I'm not quite sure how to build up a stash), H is still getting my BM, even if he's not latched on to me directly. I still plan to try CD. I've just been having a tough time adjusting and didn't think I could deal with CD laundry just yet. I'm hoping that with time, I'll feel comfortable in my own skin again and feel good about the things that are working for us, regardless of what the "plan" was.
During the first few post-partum days, I sobbed to Brian, telling him that Hank is so little and perfect and that he deserved a mom who knew what the hell she was doing and who was able to do all right/best things for him. I truly felt that I didn't deserve him and that he got the short end of the stick. Those doubts still creep into my mind sometimes, but I now believe that we were meant for each other.
I completely understand this way of thinking. Henry and I breastfed exclusively for only about a week, when I started supplementing with formula (at first with a supplemental nurser taped to my breast, then with bottles). Then I started pumping. We still (tried to!) breastfed every feeding first, then I often gave him a bottle of pumped milk, then a bottle of formula as needed...it was exhausting! I kept this up to about 8 weeks, which was as long as I could stand it (looking back, I'm not sure how I did it that long!) Then I just pumped, and gave him that milk first, followed by formula. I was able to save a very small stash of milk, which I've been giving him just a few ounces each morning, but otherwise he's all formula now. The breastmilk will run out later this week, then it'll really be all formula.
I get how the desperately trying to breastfeed thing can be bad for your psyche...I really beat myself up about it, and often cried at feedings. Once I switched to just pumping, things were a LOT better. BUT....my (already meager) supply dropped even more without Henry stimulating my breast. Thus, I was only able to pump for a few more weeks after that.
Ultimately, I'm glad I stopped pushing the issue so much with myself and let it go, but that's a very personal decision that only you can make. I know that many of my friends told me to keep trying and it would get better. Some things did (the pain of breastfeeding got waaay better after about 2 weeks), but the fact that Henry screamed, punched my breast, and generally hated every moment of breastfeeding did not get better, it got worse. See what Hank does, maybe he'll surprise you!
I only brought breastmilk out when it was freshly pumped, not refrigerated (so it lasted a few hours in an insulated pouch). We didn't chill it, so it was pretty much still room temp by the time he got it an hour or so later.
With formula, I pre-measure the water in the bottle (at room temp) and put it in the insulated pouch of my diaper bag. Then I also bring pre-measured formula in a Munchkin dispenser and at feeding time, I just mix them together. Everything stays room temp and fresh this way....no need to warm it up. I never wanted him to get used to warm bottles (and therefore require them!) , so he's only ever had room temp ones. This is actually what we do at home, too (have water in bottles, and formula powder pre-measured to mix right before feeding).
I hope you and Hank are doing well....thinking of you!