WWYD?

Dr.Loretta

We have a semi-open adoption with DD's BM. Letters and pictures at regular intervals, and we went into it open to 2 visits a year. When we left the hospital with DD, her BM said she was really looking forward to the visits.

We also set up a blog so she can see pictures and stories of DD more often. I try and updated it at least weekly, and she posts a comment probably once or twice a month.

We met up in June at an agency-sponsored event. It went well. You could tell DD's BM didn't know what to do with a cranky infant, but other than that we had a lovely time, talking, hanging out, etc.

A few months later we mentioned in her letter that we'd love to get together again, maybe in November. We haven't heard anything from her regarding that.

I e-mailed our SW recently and asked how we would go about asking for a GTG. I feel weird, because we'd love to see her, but we don't know if she wants to GTG too or not, and I don't want to force it on her. Our SW said we could either send her a note through the agency, or she'd get a hold of her SW and have her do the asking.

So if you were me, would you send her a note or would you have her SW contact her. If you sent a note, what would you say?

noonecarewhoiam

Personally, I would write a note, and invite the BM to a spectific event--say brunch--and offer a couple of alternate dates that work for you. Sometimes open-ended inviations can sound less than honest--the obligatory "let's have lunch."

 

CaptainSerious

I probably would also write a personal note, and include that you completely understand that she might not feel up to it, and if that's the case, you can do it another time.  I'd let her know that you would love to see her and give her the opportunity to see DD, but you'd like it to be when you are all ready for the visit.

sh4602

we have asked our BM to write back and have never heard from her. we wouldnt mind having a gtg either but nothing. i would ask SW if they could contact her and see what is going on.

GLynn2009

I would write a note suggesting some dates and possible meeting places. I would leave it up to her to respond. If you do not hear from her maybe have the SW to check in with her.

GLynn2009

Holidays are hard on everyone so I probably would do it sooner than later. Last year DD's family called and wanted more contact around holidays and her birthday while also wanting us to have our time. They really missed her so maybe your DD's BM is just trying to deal while not wanting to get in the way.

Squirrel29

I'm just lurking here (well, I mostly lurk in general) but I am a BM (my daughter that I placed is now 13) and we have what I think most would describe as very open, very informal relationship.  I wanted to answer your question from my perspective. 

Obviously, I know nothing about your BM but I know that for a long time I felt very self conscious around my daughter's mother.  I was 17, she was in her mid 30s and I felt that I made this huge mistake and was afraid she thought less of me for it.  I also had a hard time figuring out just how much involvement I wanted to have in their lives and was very hesitant those first couple of years because I was never sure how a visit would affect me emotionally.  That said, I would have loved for her to reach out to me and let me know that she wanted to see me but also for her to make it clear that she was ok with waiting if I needed more time.  I think those first couple years are real emotional landmine for most BM's and it would be good for her to feel that you are supportive of her needs / emotions, etc. and that you will be there when / if she feels ready for more contact.

I'm not really sure if this making any sense - my DS is in his bed screaming despite the 45 minute nap battle we just engaged in so my thoughts aren't all too clear, but I wish you the best of luck!