Would you let the other foster family?

callaway123

We are in a pre adoptive situation and our little boy is in our home now.  He understandable was VERY attached to the family and My husband and I said it would be ok for them to see him eventually and be extended family.  We just told them we wanted time to bond with him and we would let them know when the time felt right.  Well from the minute we did the transfer to our care they have called and texted non stop every other day and want to see him or talk to him.  We sent them pictures and videos of him and he talked to them on the phone, it has been 30 days.  we thought it was going to be were we could call them in a  couple months and go to dinner or get together but we felt they had something different in mind.  Last week we found out they wanted him back and they were fighting us for him to return to them. The higher agency decided its best for him to remain with us but it was hell for a few days wondering.  2 days after the decision they text me and ask to see him.  What would you do? We just wanted him to understand when he did see them that they were not there to take him back but just to visit.  He is 2.5 yrs its hard to know what is best. Thanks

Dr.Loretta

I would consult with the agency or with someone the agency recommends to see how best to approach this. You're in a tough spot because you've promised this child he can see his former foster family, but now you have the history with them that makes you hesitant to let him see them.

Sally J

We've had an almost similar situation with Charlotte's former foster parents.  It was slightly different though because Charlotte was much younger (8 months), and there was no discussion about her going back.  We didn't see her foster parents for about a year, although we gave them updates and photos.  I let them know that it was just to new and painful for everyone, that I thought it best we all took time to heal and grieve.  This was easy enough to do because we lived out of state.  

 We now have a wonderful relationship with them and they really are part of our family.  We also live about 5 minutes from them and get together for play dates.  I encourage you to do what your gut says is right, but maintain a relationship with them.  Also know that your son is grieving for them and still trying to bond with you.  Be aware that it could be confusing for him to see them so soon after coming home to you.

mcmann05

I have no personal experience with this so take what I say with a grain of salt.

I personally would put a halt to any contact (besides things that don't directly involved the child). You're right, he needs the time to bond with you. But, WAY more importantly you don't want to confuse him as to where he "belongs", not to mention just confusing him in general....who his parents are, etc.

I think you "know" what you need to do but I would contact your agency to let them know that you feel uncomfortable with the level of contact. More than likely they will agree with you.

715inNC

Another bit of non-experiential advice- 

I would definitely talk to the case worker about the situation. They might not offer the advice/support you expect, but value their experience.

I personally would not chat with the prev. foster family through text messaging. I would keep all correspondence to phone conversations. It does seem like they are contacting you much too often, they have to let go a little bit. 

Nature Lover

When I was a teenager this happened with a foster child who was living in our house who then went to another home. It was so painful for us as his foster family to see him go and for him to leave the first home where he ever felt stability. He was 2 (he also had a younger brother who was 3 months). When they took him from us he cried and cried and screamed and tried to come back to me and my mom screaming "mommy, mommy".  It was heartwrenching!  We saw him again for a visit once after that and it was the same. After that we never saw him again. I was a teenager so I don't know who made the decision for us to not see him again (if it was DCF, the new family, or my mom) but it was very painful for us. In restrospect though, it was the right thing. He and we needed a clean break - him so he could bond and settle into his new life without repeatedly feeling the sense of abandonement each time we left him (he had been abandoned by his bio mother at a truck stop) and us so we could grieve the loss and heal.

Nature Lover

sorry - my point was... I would sever contact. I would keep their address and/or e-mail and maybe send them updates twice a year or something (not for your child but jsut because its the nice thing to do for them - I have often wondered about the boys we fostered and would have loved to have gotten updates as they grew up) but the constant contact with requests for visits will be disruptive for you, and they clearly are not working on healing and moving on if they are/were still trying to have him returned to them. If he is that young, I would suspect that he will have no memory of them in a very short period of time and I do not see the value in continuing the relationship (I think its different with bio parents who might have helpful health info to offer in the future or who the child may feel compelled to meet in the future). I am sure there will be some who disagree with me - just my two cents owrth.

callaway123

Thank you to everyone for there advice and it was so helpful for us to hear the opinions of others who have dealt with this and just as foster parents in general.  This has made me feel like our decision is the right one and that we know what is right for him. That the guilt we feel at what our "gut" is telling us is best.  The agency by the way, someone had asked, feel as though we need to understand what the other family is needing.   We feel as though we have understood (sending pictures and texts and video and letting him talk to them) but it is unhealthy for everyone when they are this emotional (constantly calling and texting and sending us letter asking for her son back) I forgot that part. to see that he is in a loving home and that this is about him and what we feel is best to help him to understand that we will be mom and dad and this is his home.  Nature lover: thank you  for your story it put thing in perspective to hear a similar situation but from the other side.  I do agree with what you said, Thank you. This helped more than you know.  I will let everyone know how this works out.