How to handle this--holiday card from estranged grandparent

true_norskie

We have not seen or spoken to FIL in over two years.  We don't have a ton of pictures of him lying around, nor do we ever talk about him.  He sent the girls Halloween cards in the mail.  I don't know how to tell them who they are from.  (DD2 got a card with a check in it for her birthday that sort of got swept up in all the hype of gift opening so we dodged a bullet there.)

DH and I have talked about how we know DD1 will ask the question soon--"Daddy, if Grandma is your mom, who is your dad?"  We haven't decided how to answer it yet.

Without going into too much detail, the guy is basically an immature d-bag who acts like the child in the father/son relationship. Honestly, I'm not sure when or if we'll see the guy again.

Given how wordy most of my posts and responses are, I am very clearly not usually at a loss for words.    But I am here.  We don't want to say that the guy is an a**hole, but at the same time we don't want to lie--she may never see her grandpa (a decision DH continues to agonize over and does not take lightly).

Any advice is greatly appreciated!

Cbidt's girl

Our kids aren't asking questions yet and likely won't since they have two grandpas they know well. They will never meet their bio grandpa on DH side. Cards are returned to sender. We don't accept money, gifts of cards from him.

amiamish

We have a relationship like that kinda. DS1 has seen FIL 2x, and has a pic with him. When he ask who it is we just say "thats grandpa first name, he lives far away." If he ever sent anything to the kids we'd just say "he sent you this because he was thinking of you and knew this would make you happy/smile." And leave it at that. As the kids get older they will figure it out and can form their own opinion.

firefightersgal

My father is estranged from me (his choice).  If he were to send my daughter a card, I would have a heart attack.  After I recovered, I would keep it from my daughter.  She doesn't know that my father exists. 

JoyGotDots

Listen, whatever you tell your kids and treat as normal, they will believe to be normal.

If you say, this is from grandpa (or dad's dad or whatever) and sometimes he sends cards to us, and treat it like no big deal then it won't be one.  If they ask why you don't talk to him or see him, simply tell them something along the lines of "We just don't.  Sometimes that happens"

I don't have kids (what?! how do I know what I'm talking about) but I've worked with preschoolers for years (okay, that's how) and have been able to explain selective mutism, two mommy families, odd birthmarks, different religions, etc successfully with the the "sometimes it's like that" approach.

Marce921

firefightersgal:

My father is estranged from me (his choice).  If he were to send my daughter a card, I would have a heart attack.  After I recovered, I would keep it from my daughter.  She doesn't know that my father exists. 

Ditto this, except it's also my choice to not talk to my father. My stepdad IS "Papa" to DSs.

sweetie645

I grew up not knowing either of my grandfathers.  They were both horrible fathers and my parents never spoke to them since before my sister and I were born. One of them is actually still alive, but I've only met him once and that was an accident.

I wouldn't worry too much about it...I don't feel like I missed out on anything growing up without grandfathers.  I guess I just always understood that my parents didn't get along with their fathers and that was that.  No big deal.  

As I've grown older, they've told me more and more about how their fathers treated them growing up and what kind of people they were.  Knowing what I know now, I completely understand why they cut their fathers out of their lives. 

I hope it helps for you to see a child's point of view in the situation.  Don't stress so much about it...kids understand and adjust much easier than we expect them to.