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Parenting
AggieCouple
member
Would this affect your choice about having another baby?
AggieCouple
member
in Parenting
I'd like to make a decision about #4 before #3 comes, because if we decide that this is it, my OB is going to tie my tubes while she's in there for my c-section. It might not be our choice if my uterus doesn't look too healthy, but it might be. Ideally, we'd like 4 kids, though.
But anyway, I am just WORN OUT. A lot of it is being 5 months pregnant, having two kids, and trying to prepare the house/our lives for a baby before I get too big. By prepare, I mean literally build furniture, put up walls, etc., creating spaces for the kids, defining my work space as things have gotten very jumbled and disorganized. And I've done it all without H's help.
I don't know if I'm just hormonal, which is why I can't trust myself to make the decision right now, but I just feel like H is not helping at ALL. I know he has a FT job, but I also work 25-30 hours a week (from home) on top of house/kids. FWIW, he works from home 4 out of 5 days.
He has picked up this all-consuming hobby that makes a side income. The income is nice, but it takes up all his non-working hours. I feel like I'm running this household completely by myself, and I am making up work hours at 1:00-2:00 in the morning.
I am so so so tired, and he isn't really listening when I try to talk to him about this hobby of his. I don't know if things will change. The thing about H is, if it isn't this hobby, it's something else. He always has something that consumes him totally, and I do feel a little like he's using them to escape being a responsible father. He's diligent about things like the lawn, but as soon as he picks up one of his new hobbies, the yard goes for weeks without being mowed, and he won't let me hire anyone to do it for us because he thinks the contractors are careless around our trees (they are). His current hobby leaves messes all around the house, and despite doing nothing to help clean the house, he adds to it, and he also becomes irate at the kids if they knock over his precarious piles of supplies that he leaves on the floor of the living room. Really, the kids have learned to avoid the living room altogether, and how sad is that?
So, if you have a husband like this, and it's already tiring with 2 kids, would that make your decision for you? He's a great guy, very sweet and caring, but this is like something he just won't outgrow. And I think it will always be like this; his finding something to avoid being a whole-hearted FT dad, if that makes sense. I'm not asking him to be "On" all the time, but lately, he has not been "On" at all.
Wow, this is long. Sorry. I've just been feeling blue.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Would this affect your choice about having another baby?
Definitely. MH was hardly my ideal of a great father for the first year or so of DD's life. I did everything (I am a SAHM) and he considered his paycheck as his contribution to the household. He'd sit on the couch and drink, play video games, watch his shows etc. He would go to the grocery store for me, but only because I wanted to leave dd at home with him so I could go. I got pregnant and had DS when DD was just about to turn 2. A lot changed -- he was now responsible for her and me for DS. (Helping with baths, bedtime, playing with her when he's home) If this change didn't happen, I would not have another child. I dont' think I could do it on my own with 3 (I want 4 also!) -- could you talk to your husband and maybe start giving him responsibility? I bathe both kids together, then take the LO out and call MH to watch the 3 yo play in the tub, then he gets her ready/puts her to bed.
If your DH wants another child also, then maybe talk to him about needing to more of his free time iwth the family. Why would you want more kids if you're not spending free time with them?? That being said, I never, ever complain about time being spent working and bring income in for the fmaily. **also keep in mind though, they aren't this little forever and grow up fast, so if you can accept the way your DH is and can do it mostly on your own with out resentment, go for the 4th.
I'm a firm believer that you have to go with your gut on this one. I think when it comes to having more kids, you just know, deep down. I thought for sure I would never have more than two kids, but as I sit here now I'm not completely convinced that I don't want a third. Dh feels the same way, so we'll wait and see how we feel about it another year or so down the line.
When I think about all the hard parts that go with being pregnant, having a newborn, adding another kid to the family, it all seems to be trumped by the excitement of having another.
My H is similar. He works a lot and fills the rest of his time with golf or other hobbies. 3 is all I can handle, for now. I still would really like a 4th child so we have discussed fostering or fostering-to-adopt in a few years. But as things stand right now, 3 really might be it.
Honestly, I would not make a decision about another child while you're pregnant and exhausted. If you decide no more kids once #3 is old enough, time for your H to take one for the team and get snipped.
Although I think you have some very rational reasons to stop at #3, and I would be right there with you if I were in your situation, I just think this is not the time to decide.
ETA: I also got a tubal during my second c-section, but, like cmeon, I went into my second pregnancy with no doubt in my mind that I wanted no more than 2 kids. So ditto her. This is not the time to make a permanent decision like this.
Alex (11/14/06) and Nate (5/25/10)
"Want what you have, do what you can, be who you are." - Rev. Forrest Church
Have you asked him to do *very specific* tasks to help with parenting?
My DH is terrible at figuring out what to do when I just say "I need help" or worse when I just hint or expect him to infer that I need help.
If I ask him to "Give the baby a bath, fix dinner for the kids on the night I teach aerobics, clean up after dinner, and put Gretchen to bed" then the tasks will get done.
He just has terrible time management and if there isn't a specific set of tasks, he defaults to 1) Working on work on his computer or 2) nothing.
My 3rd was a complete accident. We kind of wanted to try for a boy but not at the time. So as soon as I knew I was pregnant, the tubes were getting tied. Every OB tried to talk me out of it b/c of my age, 25, but when I told them this will make 3 they understood.
I hear what your saying about the way your DH acts and you feel like you take the whole workload most of the time, But...
I wouldn't do it. You stated you want 4 children, you are more tired right now, and probably a little more hormonal too. I get that it would be easier to tie them during the c-section, but I had vaginal delivery and had mine tied the next day. My sis in law had hers 3 months after her baby was born b/c she didn't do the paperwork in time. So you can get it done later. Maybe a long term b/c like Mirena would do the trick for now.
I know it might sound hypocritical for me to say I had mine done but don't think it's a good idea for you. My decision was based on what I wanted for my family. It sounds like you really want a bigger family, you just need to get DH on board. I hope you make the best choice for you and your family. It is a really big decision.
Charlotte Ella 07.16.10
Emmeline Grace 03.27.13
I would stop at #3 - I just had my #3 and it's been so overwhelming for both of us. There is no point of having more if you barely get help. I would be beyond exhausted and stressed - my mental and physical state would be more important, as this would affect my performance as a mom. Good Luck !!!! HUGS!!!!!
This. Although I understand the desire to want to form the family that you dream of, even if you know it would be tough. I'm a SAHM, and MH works his tail off on things around our home, so I do a lot of the parenting/bedtime myself. But what keeps the resentment at bay for us, is we hire help for me, b/c he knows how hard it is to get anything done with small children. So we have someone to clean once a week so that I don't have to worry about that, and I have a sitter come one day a week so that I can go out and run all my errands and take some "me" time. Otherwise, it's just so easy to feel spent from raising small children.
I'm going to go against the majority on this one. I'd get the tubal done. Your husband has already shown you his level of involvement. Minimal. Even after talking to him about it. Adding not one, but two more kids to your family isnt going to suddenly make him want to be more involved, more helpful and more patient.
Please dont take this the wrong way, but it almost sounds like you want more babies to fill up the emptiness that your husband is causing. It sounds like he's basically left you on your own to deal with the kids, the house and everything else. I'm sure that's taken it's toll on you and you must feel some sense of loss about how you hoped things would be. And no one can blame you for that. I'm not saying he's a bad guy, or that he doesnt love you and the kids. But more kids isnt going to make him a more involved dad or husband and the stress will fall on your shoulders.
I understand the desire to have the four kids you imagined. But can you handle those four kids all by yourself? Do you want to?
Actually, I've always said I wanted zero or a lot of kids. I grew up in a family of 7 kids, and have a lot of happy memories centered around my family, and I am very close to most of my siblings now. I want very much to give that to my children, and 3 just seems "small" to me. 4 seems to be borderline. I'd like more, honestly, but I'm not that young, and even 4 is really pushing it with all c-sections. I know in modern families, 3 is a lot, but it really doesn't seem so to me.
H and I have a pretty good relationship, and he's not a neglectful father. He is far more patient with them than I am, EXCEPT when he's immersed in these hobbies. But I don't think he does it consciously. My sister said it took #3 for her husband to finally grow up and realize he had to start minimizing his non-children time/priorities. I don't want to bank on my husband changing; I think that leads to too many disappointments and resentment. I don't know when it will, if ever, click for him, that he is no longer entitled to his independent life. I know it clicks for moms the day their first child is born, and it always takes longer for the dad. I don't know how much, as mothers, we are entitled to feel that our husband should live as much for our children as we do. I don't want to be that pushy kind of wife, so what it boils down to is, if needed, can I do this relatively alone.
But everyone is right. I will wait, and see, when I'm not feeling so tired and depressed.
Beth, I am very specific about asking him to help. I learned that early on. And he's great, EXCEPT when he's into one of his hobbies.
When I started my business, he took over laundry and was great and consistent about it. But now, it just sits there until I do it myself, even if I ask him to do it 2-3 times. Or, he'll start it, but takes 3 or 4 days to actually finish one load from wash to fold and put away. He will literally fold 2-3 things, go back to his hobby, and return to folding a day later. In the meantime, it just sits on the sofa or wrinkled in the dryer. After a while, I'll need the laundry baskets again, and I'll end up doing it.
If it's his day to grill because I have to take ML to ballet or piano, he won't get started until I get home. In the meantime, he has TB locked on the TV the entire time while he works on his hobby. Then I get home, he rushes to get it prepped, but now I have to help, and the kids are not being bathed, and dinner is late and I can't emphasize enough how early we must eat dinner or ML *WILL* wet her bed. There is a direct correlation, so I try to have us eat by 6 everyday, but if I leave the grilling to him, we won't, so now, that's two more days I cook, when it was agreed previously that those were my days off. In addition, now I take TB with me to ballet and piano, because I'd rather he be with me than zonked out on the TV.
Just a couple of examples. If I nag him about it, he just does it secretly, and I don't want to be that kind of wife or be in that kind of marriage.
I totally hear you.
Well then my $0.02 is that in my particular situation, I only have as many children as I can handle by myself without any help from him (because his job by itself is about 16 hour a day thing. . . and add to that his horrible time management). He is great with the kids and they love him to pieces which make it all worth it. But I absolutely can't have any more kids and keep up with the housework, cooking, shuttling kids to school/activities, as well as my part time job and volunteer work.
I agree I would get the tubal. I will only have the amount of kids I can handle by myself (which for me is 3). DH's job is hot or cold. He is either working 50 hour weeks or 80 hour weeks. So he is either here a lot or not at all for months at a time. I know that i could not handle more than 3 by myself.
I also have to honestly say that in your situation we would be having a major come to Jesus talk. His behavior would not cut it in my house at all.
What you described would be a deal breaker for me. That said, I absolutely would not make the decision now. You just never know what even the next 1-2 years are going to bring....money wise, job wise, stress wise, sanity wise, health wise. Our good friends had a vasectomy and the next week their DD (age 1) was diagnosed with an incurable, inoperable tumor. Not to be morbid or pessimistic but you just never know what can happen.
I want 4 kids. DH says he's done now. We have 3 - current ages 5, 2, 8mo. 3 has been hard for us - our 8mo is our easy child at the moment! The parenting is constant and we are pulled in so many different directions. My DH is very involved and helps out every free second he has but he also travels a lot and has a demanding job. We both agree we don't want a 4th tomorrow so we're saving that discussion for another day down the road when our view of life may or may not be different. I don't think a tubal with a c/s is a reason to force yourself into a decision now. It really isn't a bad procedure to have done down the road on it's own if that is the method you choose. Decide when you have no doubt and will have no regrets!