How I survived failure to VBAC.
OK, this is kind of a misnamed post, because I don't really have any advice for coping with disappointment when your plan goes out the window. I've been arguing with myself about whether or not this is an appropriate post for this board or not... but in light of several posters mentioning fear of failure to VBAC, and some posters mentioning fear to even plan VBAC to avoid disappointment, I thought I would kind of reach out to you all. I think this might be the perfect place to put it. If you're looking for an inspiring successful VBAC story, this isn't one.
From the time my DD was born, I knew I was going to VBAC for any future births. I hated my c/s. I hated everything about my recovery. I hated the guilt I felt for failing my daughter and myself. Lots and lots of negative emotions related to my first c/s.
So I planned. I prepped. I found a provider I believed in, who believes in VBAC, and who believes in women's bodies to birth babies. I went to ICAN meetings. I had a doula. I had the support of my husband. I had the support of lots of e-friends (many of whom have made their way here to this board!).
In the end, it didn't happen. My second baby was born by my second c/s. I'm not going to tell you that you don't feel the same sadness about the loss of your planned for experience. I won't tell you that you won't feel anger or guilt. It sucks. It sucks a lot.
I will tell you that you are strong. Stronger than you think you are. While it may be frustrating, and the source of a lot of negative emotions, your prior birth experience shapes how you respond to what's happening in the moment, and how you respond afterward. If you are one of the women who does not successfully VBAC, you aren't alone. Your preparation is not for naught. You are positioned to be an advocate for other women. Your experience still matters.
Every once in awhile, people ask me if I knew at the beginning that I'd come out with a c/s, would I have still planned for a vaginal birth? The answer is unequivocally "yes." I was borderline militant in my planning, and the best preparation, I think, prepares you for multiple outcomes.
The majority of you will have your VBAC. And I will always celebrate your successes, your bravery (because, let's face it... there's always someone planting seeds of fear and doubt when they hear you want to VBAC). Always. Some of you, though, won't have a VBAC. I will likewise always be here to mourn with you the loss of your planned-for experience, and celebrate your strength and your bravery.
I am so thankful for those of you who have supported me when I was planning my VBAC and recovering from my c/s. I hope you all feel equally supported by the women on this board as you plan, celebrate, and recover from your births, no matter how they happen.
Re: How I survived failure to VBAC.
Thank you for posting this. It is absolutely appropriate for this board. Personally, I take comfort in hearing from moms who wanted a VBAC but didn't have one, because it reminds me that even if my hopes for VBAC don't work out, I will be ok.
Can you share what your c/s birth plan was like? I have been thinking that I want to make one--I think it will help me feel better about the possibility of another cesarean birth.
Ditto for that c/s birth plan request. I was a little bummed b/c last month's ICAN meeting was "family friendly c/s" and it was cancelled for unforseen reasons.
To OP, thank you so much for this, it brought tears to my eyes. I do believe that just knowing that I am taking the steps for a successful VBAC (switched providers, getting doula, etc.) will hopefully take some of the sting away if I do have another c/s. I also strongly believe that my VBAC attempt is much larger than just me and my birth, it is leading the way for other women to attempt and for practitioners to start opening their eyes (I hope). While I was upset that I had a c/s, I am even more upset for all the women who have them everyday b/c they trust their providers and they may not be necessary in the first place.
What did you request? I hope next time I'm not as overly medicated. All I could do was lay there. I couldn't even hold my baby, she was in the room with me a short time and they took her and my boyfriend out to see our families/friends. I was left there alone puking AGAIN and I think once again when they wheeled me to my room. I was in and out and don't remember much. If I should have another c-section (even though I really want VBAC) I just want to know my options.
Exactly this. When I was planning my VBAC, the idea that it wouldn't happen would freeze me up. But I really think the difference was in the preparation, I guess. After my first, I went through everything in my head, and I found a hundred different things I would have, could have, should have done differently. If only I'd done a real childbirth course, if only I'd not jumped the gun and gone to the hospital so early, if only I'd not let them talk me into pain meds, if only I'd made my husband turn off his phone, if only I'd seen the red flags my OB had been waving in my face, if only... if only... if only....
Yes, I was sobbing when I went back to the OR. Yes, I am even still disappointed I didn't get the birth I so desperately wanted to have. But when I play the game we all play... the "what if?" game, I come up empty. My previous experience and all the research and prep that had gone into preparing for a VBAC made it so when I look back at what I could have, should have done differently... there's nothing. I did everything right. I hadn't sabotaged myself, and I hadn't been sabotaged. My failure to VBAC was not a personal failure.
Thank you for posting this. I think everyone woman who attempts a vbac fears a repeat. I know I do. But it's mostly because I fear that letdown feeling again.
Thank you so much for posting this and for giving me another perspective to consider.
Thank you for your perspective. It's hard to think about, and it's not what I want, but I know it will help lessen the disappointment if I realize that a repeat cesarean is a possibility.
M/C Dec 2010 - 5w5d Missing my sweet angel baby.
Absolutely well said, Mrs.tlcS. Failure was always my biggest fear as well, also because of the fear of the same PPD & PTSD I experienced after my first c/s. Thankfully that wasn't the case for me this time but I knew it could have been. And 100% if I had to do it over again, even knowing the way it would end, I would choose to attempt the VBAC. There is no question in my mind.
I also will echo the thanks for support and the hope for all of you to achieve VBAC success.