North Dakota Babies

is this mean?

I just sent DH an email explaining that NO ONE is allowed at the hospital until AFTER the baby is born and that could mean up to one day without any visitors. I dread the thought of recovery and dealing with people standing around in the hospital. I know for a fact that my family will NOT be coming in from out of town so I really only worry about his folks. His mom actually. So he just sent me a note back saying we should make it look like we are sending out to multiple people as not to isolate his parents - - when did this baby birth become a circus act? Why can't people just be respectful to me saying I don't want anyone there until we are ready to share? Am I the only one who feels this way?

Re: is this mean?

  • Eric told his mom that we didn't want people to have to wait all hours of the day/night in the waiting room since we weren't having anyone else in the room, and that we would call them when it is getting close or afterwords since they only live an hour away. His mom took that as us not wanting them there period, so they decided to take an impromptu vacation and left the state the day before I went into labor (I was already 4 days overdue at that point, she had to come soon).

    So I guess be careful what you wish for. My parents don't live here so they weren't coming either. It is really sad realization when you realize that your baby isn't important enough for any family to come see in the hospital. Eric called his dad and b!tched about that when we were on the way to the hopital about what BS it was so they did end up driving back and coming our last day in the hospital.

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    ~Kimberly & Eric~ April 21, 2008 ~Tensing Pen ~ Negril, Jamaica ~ My Blog: One Sunset at a Time
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  • It's not mean at all. It's smart. I went through 28 hours of labor followed by three days of hell from my MIL. She showed up at 8am each morning and stayed until around 7pm each night. she and FIL would just sit there and stare at me while I was trying to sleep or want the hold Elizabeth for hours on end, when I was supposed to be bonding with her. The Nurses had to ask them to leave when she went into phototherapy on the 3rd night because they were taking up too much space in the room- they brought all their own food & a bunch of other crap. 

    It was also a nightmare having them in the waiting room, they kept coming in while I was in Labor & the nurses would have to ask them to leave every few hours. They finally got the hint around midnight, but showed up again at 6am. MIL & SFIL barged in the room while I was still delivering the placenta,because one of the nurses went out & told them she was here and my OB started screaming at them to get out of his delivery room.

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    K+S 9.18.9 | DD #1 age 2 | PG # 5 EDD 9.17.12

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  • imageMissMex:

    It's not mean at all. It's smart. I went through 28 hours of labor followed by three days of hell from my MIL. She showed up at 8am each morning and stayed until around 7pm each night. she and FIL would just sit there and stare at me while I was trying to sleep or want the hold Elizabeth for hours on end, when I was supposed to be bonding with her. The Nurses had to ask them to leave when she went into phototherapy on the 3rd night because they were taking up too much space in the room- they brought all their own food & a bunch of other crap. 

    It was also a nightmare having them in the waiting room, they kept coming in while I was in Labor & the nurses would have to ask them to leave every few hours. They finally got the hint around midnight, but showed up again at 6am. MIL & SFIL barged in the room while I was still delivering the placenta,because one of the nurses went out & told them she was here and my OB started screaming at them to get out of his delivery room.

    . Omg, Krissie. I don't remember hearing all of this. Rifreakingdiculous!
  • Wow, Krissie.  That sounds awful!!

    My FIL came in the room while I was in labor.  I had asked that no one be there, but somehow he managed to get in.  He just sat on the couch and tried to talk about random crap until DH finally got him to leave.  I have no idea why he thought that was appropriate.  At one point the nurse came in and said "It's time to check you!" and FIL was like "Okay, I'll turn my head."  Uh, NO, you'll leave thank you.  Ugh.  I'm still pissed at DH for not getting rid of him sooner for me.

    But, we had like 20 people in the waiting room who came in a couple hours after G was born (when we said we were ready for visitors) and I gotta admit it was really nice to have them all there.  I didn't think I wanted anyone but in that moment I loved it.  They only stayed for about half an hour or so, though.  They were all very respectful.  We had visitors in and out the next day but again no one stayed long and if I said I was tired or it was time to nurse whoever was there went home.

  • imageMissMex:

    It's not mean at all. It's smart. I went through 28 hours of labor followed by three days of hell from my MIL. She showed up at 8am each morning and stayed until around 7pm each night. she and FIL would just sit there and stare at me while I was trying to sleep or want the hold Elizabeth for hours on end, when I was supposed to be bonding with her. The Nurses had to ask them to leave when she went into phototherapy on the 3rd night because they were taking up too much space in the room- they brought all their own food & a bunch of other crap. 

    It was also a nightmare having them in the waiting room, they kept coming in while I was in Labor & the nurses would have to ask them to leave every few hours. They finally got the hint around midnight, but showed up again at 6am. MIL & SFIL barged in the room while I was still delivering the placenta,because one of the nurses went out & told them she was here and my OB started screaming at them to get out of his delivery room.

    THIS is my biggest fear. My MIL doesn't take hints. I know she means well, but this is where I put my foot down. I talked to DH and said he will need to chat with them or I will be happy to explain to his dad (the rational one) about my feelings. Hopefully he'll be able to hide the car keys and keep MIL out. I've realized after our wedding reception and baby shower that if you are not stern with this lady or just plain mean, she doesn't get it. It isn't that I am trying to keep their grandbaby away from them, but I also want my space. I am not sure where the lines of respect got crossed. DH said that his view is like those of like the show Mad Men - - people in the waiting room smoking and drinking. Hate to break it to him, but it's 2010 and this mama wants her privacy. :)

  • It's not mean at all.  I was very serious about not having anyone at the hospital until I was ready for them. 

    Everyone knew that we were at the hospital at 8:00 the night before Caroline was born and were in waiting mode, but we both stressed to them that it could take up to 2 days for her to actually be born.  My dad went to work thinking that it would be a while.  When the midwife said I was 9 cm and the baby was coming is when Brian called our parents.  That was at 11:15 and C was born at 12:09.  Our parents didn't get there until 12:30 and Bri went out to the waiting room at that point and told them "It's a girl!" (just like in the movies :) and showed them pics on the camera.  After I was ready, our moms came in but they only allowed a total of 3 people other than me in the L&D room so my dad couldn't come in until we were moved to the post partem wing.  That was the only bad part.

  • I think I might want our own space as well.  That could be though, because my family likely won't be here for Mady's delivery. 

    I think you're well within your right to say "no guests until x point".  You're the mama, you did all the work, you deserve to get what you want. 

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    Katy and Brett ~ Runaway Bay, Jamaica ~ October 4, 2008

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker image image
  • imageMissMex:

    It was also a nightmare having them in the waiting room, they kept coming in while I was in Labor & the nurses would have to ask them to leave every few hours. They finally got the hint around midnight, but showed up again at 6am. MIL & SFIL barged in the room while I was still delivering the placenta,because one of the nurses went out & told them she was here and my OB started screaming at them to get out of his delivery room.

     I thought I was the only one on here that had their MIL barge into the room in the middle of the delivery.

    I was having some complications during the delivery (Austin's head was sideways and stuck) and some how this information made its way out to the waiting room. Well my MIL some how makes it to our room and barges in screaming that she is a nurse and wants to know what is going on. Meanwhile, I am on my 4th hour of pushing, legs in the air and scared that Austin was ok. Both the Dr and nurse started yelling at her and she had to be escorted out of the room. Trust me, DH still has not heard the end of that situation.

     

    Nicole and Michael~Las Vegas~May 31, 2008
  • imageladybugg82:
    imageMissMex:

    It was also a nightmare having them in the waiting room, they kept coming in while I was in Labor & the nurses would have to ask them to leave every few hours. They finally got the hint around midnight, but showed up again at 6am. MIL & SFIL barged in the room while I was still delivering the placenta,because one of the nurses went out & told them she was here and my OB started screaming at them to get out of his delivery room.

     I thought I was the only one on here that had their MIL barge into the room in the middle of the delivery.

    I was having some complications during the delivery (Austin's head was sideways and stuck) and some how this information made its way out to the waiting room. Well my MIL some how makes it to our room and barges in screaming that she is a nurse and wants to know what is going on. Meanwhile, I am on my 4th hour of pushing, legs in the air and scared that Austin was ok. Both the Dr and nurse started yelling at her and she had to be escorted out of the room. Trust me, DH still has not heard the end of that situation.


     

    Good Lord.  Sometimes I complain about my MIL being a very guarded, private person.  Sounds like I might be lucky when Mady arrives.

    You poor girls.

    image
    Katy and Brett ~ Runaway Bay, Jamaica ~ October 4, 2008

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker image image
  • eeek. All the stories above make me shudder.

    I say set your boundaries now because people only get pushier as time marches on. If you are firm from the get go and let them know it is not negotiable, maybe they'll take the next few months and get used to respecting your wishes.

     

  • I don't think it's mean at all. I've said to Jason I only want him in the room with me during L&D. After the birth I think I'd want a little while to bond just me, DH, and baby before everyone comes in. I'm nervous about my MIL though. During my SIL's L&D I know she was trying to be respectful but she was so excited at becomming a grandma that she, my SFIL, and BIL camped out in the waiting room until he was born. We jumped in the car as soon as we got the call he was here, DH was pretty excited. I know it wasn't ideally what SIL wanted, but in the end I think she was really happy to have us all there to give her support when their baby had to go to the NICU to be watched.

    Sorry that got longwinded. I hope your ILs respect your wishes!

    ~Sarah & Jason~June 12th, 2009~Siesta Key, FL~
    Planning Bio Married Bio *Work In Progress*
    Formerly Knottie Soon2beMrs.G_09
    Anniversary
  • Nope, not mean in the slightest. I've already decided that I don't want anyone else there, not even in the waiting room until after our theoretical child is delivered. Then we will call and let people know it's okay to head to the hospital. I don't want anyone but DH in the delivery room and I don't want the pressure of people waiting to come in. Be firm w/ what you want and make sure your DH will take care of any issues w/ your ILs

    Started TTC Nov. 2011 

    1st clomid cycle June 2012- No response :: HSG August 2012- Left tube blocked, right tube clear :: 2nd clomid cycle Aug. 2012 BFN :: 3rd clomid cycle Sept. 2012 :: BFP Sept 30th :: DS born 6/15/13 :: BFP #2 7/29/14 M/C 8/5/14 :: BFP#3 10/20/14 DD born 7/1/2015 :: Applied to be surrogate April '17 :: Transferred 1 Embryo for IFs Dec. '17 :: Surro Babe born 9/11/18 :: Started 2nd Journey May '19 :: Transferred 1 Embryo for new IFs 9/24/19 :: HB 138 at 6w6d


  • I don't think it is mean. I would however leave it open for people to come visit at the hospital. My mom only came minutes after the birth (I originally did not want her there, and then regretted that she didn't make it in time) and then did not come back to the hospital because she had a HUGE event going on that she begged me not to go into labor on that day, which I did. I missed her. My FIL grabbed the first flight over which I could have done without but DH was so happy to have his Dad there that I didn't want to say anything. My Dad and brother came and visited late on the first night. Overall I was very sad that I didn't have more people around me that could come visit me. DH was running around in circles trying to go get his Dad, get Ian from school and trying to be with him also which left me alone pretty much the whole time.

     

  • imagelibertadw:

    I don't think it is mean. I would however leave it open for people to come visit at the hospital. My mom only came minutes after the birth (I originally did not want her there, and then regretted that she didn't make it in time) and then did not come back to the hospital because she had a HUGE event going on that she begged me not to go into labor on that day, which I did. I missed her. My FIL grabbed the first flight over which I could have done without but DH was so happy to have his Dad there that I didn't want to say anything. My Dad and brother came and visited late on the first night. Overall I was very sad that I didn't have more people around me that could come visit me. DH was running around in circles trying to go get his Dad, get Ian from school and trying to be with him also which left me alone pretty much the whole time.

     

    Oh, Lib, I would have come &. Helped with Ian.

    I think what is ideal is a happy medium between what Nicole & I went through and what Lib & Kim experienced.

    I def feel cheated about my birth experience, in a lot of ways, partially because of my IL's but more because I didn't stand up for what I wanted. I was too afraid of hurting feelings (dh's), or coming across as the crazy PG lady. For births on my side of the family there are always a lot of people around because there are so many of us, so I guess until hearing more of your birth stories, I never imagined having a mello controlled experience for myself. I didn't even b!tch to you ladies about how horrible IL's were, b/c I kind of thought that was normal.

    my best advice is to take charge of your experience. Although you might not be able to go 100% by your birth plan, you can control added stress in the environment.

    image

    K+S 9.18.9 | DD #1 age 2 | PG # 5 EDD 9.17.12

  • imageMissMex:
    imagelibertadw:

    I don't think it is mean. I would however leave it open for people to come visit at the hospital. My mom only came minutes after the birth (I originally did not want her there, and then regretted that she didn't make it in time) and then did not come back to the hospital because she had a HUGE event going on that she begged me not to go into labor on that day, which I did. I missed her. My FIL grabbed the first flight over which I could have done without but DH was so happy to have his Dad there that I didn't want to say anything. My Dad and brother came and visited late on the first night. Overall I was very sad that I didn't have more people around me that could come visit me. DH was running around in circles trying to go get his Dad, get Ian from school and trying to be with him also which left me alone pretty much the whole time.

     

    Oh, Lib, I would have come &. Helped with Ian.

    I think what is ideal is a happy medium between what Nicole & I went through and what Lib & Kim experienced.

    I def feel cheated about my birth experience, in a lot of ways, partially because of my IL's but more because I didn't stand up for what I wanted. I was too afraid of hurting feelings (dh's), or coming across as the crazy PG lady. For births on my side of the family there are always a lot of people around because there are so many of us, so I guess until hearing more of your birth stories, I never imagined having a mello controlled experience for myself. I didn't even b!tch to you ladies about how horrible IL's were, b/c I kind of thought that was normal.

    my best advice is to take charge of your experience. Although you might not be able to go 100% by your birth plan, you can control added stress in the environment.

     

    I'm sorry about your MIL. All I have to say is thank God for the Nurses and Dr's who actually stand up for you. Dana, like Krissie said, don't be afraid to make your voice heard during your labor. You are right it isn't a spectacle, but you can't blame your DH's family for being excited. I hope it all works out in the end. 

  • I've shared with DH that I would chat with them and set expectations - - but otherwise I will look towards the hospital staff to keep everyone out but DH. Hopefully MIL will realize that I love her but I will not be pushed around anymore. Glad to know I am not the only one with nutty family. :)
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