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Please don't flame me...
...but I found out at our foster class last night that all the couples are looking to foster in the age 0-5....
I just don't get it, why does a couple...who has grown children who are having babies...want to foster that age range? You'd think if they really wanted to help out they'd want to foster the older kids who REALLY DO need homes, it's not hard to place a 0-5 year old...but it's hard to find people willing to take the older children.
They'd be raising children the same age as their grandchildren, I just find that strange. especially if they only want to offer a safe home, they see 4 other couples in this class who are willing to offer a safe home for 0-5 and can't really go any higher because of our age (i'm sorry but as a 26 year old a 14 year old is hardly going to see me as a parent figure in their life).
Sorry if this offends anyone, I really can understand that they just want to help...
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Please don't flame me...
probably because those are the "easier" ages for people to handle.
I would definitely try not to judge people's decision, I will probably always want to foster 0-5, it's just my age preference.
I would suggest you talk with the families.....
For us I have a DS that is 18 and a DD that is 16 from a previous marriage. My DH has no children and he has wanted one for many years. We were asked to adopt DD2 when she was 6 months old and we were more than happy to do so. I am still young enough to have children myself since I had my bio kids way to young but DH is unable to have any. We did not seek out a child to adopt but were asked by extended family to do so, so we are helping by keeping DD2 around her bio family.
It is often much harder to foster older children because of their past. I would find it very hard to do so maybe the families in questions know that they can not help a older child. Just a thought...
Thanks ladies....you've offered all very helpful comments.
I guess, for me, when someone says they want to "help kids in need" and can offer that experienced parent knowledge, of having already been those the middle and high school ages, but then limit themselves to only young babies/toddles...it seems like they're only "helping the kids they want to help."
I need to change my mindset, i'm not judging them at all. I guess I just have a problem with the declaration of "I want to help kids in need" when really the statement should be "I want to help the kind of kids I think I can"
I really see a lot of strength in this couple and I think they could offer a LOT to children from 6-18...but like I said, i do understand their decision...
Older kids in the foster system can be very dangerous. Not all of them, obviously, but they will come with their own set of issues that not everyone (even parents who've successfully raised teenagers) will be equipped to handle.
I have friends who are house parents to 8 teenage girls and some of their behaviors are frightening, heartbreaking, and unimaginable. They have alarms on all of their doors at night to protect the girls and to protect themselves from the girls. They have girls who act out sexually with my friend's husband and they have to be able to have candid discussions with them about why their behavior is inappropriate -- you have to have a husband who is comfortable having those discussions. They have girls who display physically abusive behavior toward the younger girls. They have girls with major eating disorders.
Fostering is not for the faint of heart and I don't think just because you've raised teenagers qualifies you to foster a teenager. Some of the things these kids have been through is totally unimaginable to me and I know that I am not and will not ever be equipped to deal with the issues that they would bring to the table. Some people have a special gift for being able to do that (and my friend is one of them) -- what you're saying here would be the same as me saying that a fertile couple who simply wants to adopt (hasn't TTC'd or maybe has bio children) shouldn't be allowed to adopt a newborn or CC newborn domestically. If they want to adopt to make a difference, they should have to adopt an older child or a minority or from foster care. And frankly, that's not right. Everyone has the right to choose what child would fit their family best.
Like pp said, it's not a competition. There is a child out there for every family and once that child is part of your family, it becomes very clear that they were meant to be there. Yours will absolutely come -- you just can't worry about what everyone else is doing or what their filters are.
You say you're not judging them at all, but hello! Re-read your posts!
You seem totally hung up on the verbiage of "why" these couples are fostering at all. "Kids in need" covers a whole range of kids, even those aged 0-5. Whether you think a particular home can handle other things is, frankly, none of your business. I hate to be harsh about it, but come on. How would you feel if those other couples were sitting there judging you, thinking that since you're young and you recently went through teenage years yourself, you'd be equipped to foster teenagers. See? Judging gets you nowhere.
Is it possible that they may be fostering (or adopting) their own grandchildren? Or that they have young grandchildren who spend large amounts of time in their homes?
Personally, I would never foster a child significantly older than the children in my home. I, too have friends who have worked in the system, and the stories are frightening. The safety of any child already in my home superseedes any desire to help an unrelated child.
Thank you but this is in no way helpful nor constructive.
These thoughts helped. Thank you.
You know, I hadn't even thought of that. This is exactly why I come to the board...for other points of view on a situation and help through the process of fostering and adopting.
I guess everyone's situation is different and just because it seems one way on the outside, the inside can be completely different.
I don't understand why it's a negative thing to say "I want to help the kind of kids I think I can" (although, I think that a better way to phrase it is, "I want to help the kids that I believe I am equipped to help")
We all have our limitations. You say you are open to children 0-5 because of your young age. However, do you have any other limitations on children you would foster? Would you accept placement of a child with such a severe health condition that he needs around the clock care from the foster parent? What about a sibling group of four children who are all in your age range? What about a mentally handicapped 5 year old who will always wear diapers and always be non-verbal?
There are very, very few people who will say that they accept any and all children, no matter what the situation. With adoption and fostering, we all have to do some self reflection and assess what situations we think we are capable of handling. Older children in the foster system are more likely to have serious issues such as behavior problems or mental health issues due to the length of exposure to a negative environment. I don't think it's fair to judge someone for deciding that they are not equipped to handle these situations - especially when it's very likely that you have done the exact same thing and limited the situations you are open to based on what you are equipped to handle.
I think you've received some very good advice/comments on here. I will also say that one of my dear friends growing up was adopted by her foster mom who was only 12-14 years her senior. The FM adopted a sibling set of 4.
I guess my point is that you shouldn't judge others because you don't really know where they are coming from. What seems impossible to you, is possible to the next. And vice versa.
You are right. You do need to change your mindset--and think about what makes you the expert to determine what age/type of child is right for each parent!
Your post sounds like you are fostering 0-5 and the criteria that you have determined that make YOU right for this age group are completely subjective! As are those that you have used to determine older kids are "right" for older couples.
I would work on adjusting your perspectives and becoming more open minded.
as you stated - they have grown children and have grandchildren. Obviously those grandchildren will be visiting. What a great way to help children have a safe home AND have instant playmates when the grandchildren come over to play and visit - hence the age range 0-5.
At our agency there's a very much older couple that strictly fosters (no adoptions) children 0-5. They take in many drug addicted babies that require a little more attention because they're retired and they don't depend on the 8 hours of sleep to go to work the next day.
I think people need to be honest about the ages they are willing to parent. Do you also think that they should accept all behaviors and disabilities? I think that all children in the foster care system need help and that we do need parents who are willing to foster various ages. I don't think any of them should be judged for being simply honest about what they can and cannot handle.
I for one am more open on age range, but I won't take a placement of a child with a history of abusing other children or animals or starting fires. I cannot cope with those behaviors and I'd be doing myself and that child a disservice by saying I'd do it.