what am I missing?

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this is just a random observation.

DH and I have one, wonderful son. We struggled so long with IF and through IVF, we have Sam. I love him so much I feel like my heart will implode -- but, of course, sometimes he's a little putz and drives us crazy. We are super, super busy: social, sports, full time jobs, etc.

So DH and I have been very tentatively looking to donate our embryos. It's very early in the process...lots and lots to think about.It's all very new for us.

One thing I noticed is how many people looking for embryos have kids and would like more -- which is cool. But they are in their mid to late 40s.

I will admit this surprised me. If it had been a couple without kids and this was their first baby -- I get it. And I DO get wanting more babies just in general. But I am 39, DH is 43 and WE ARE TIRED!!! Isn't anyone else frigging tired? Where the heck do people get the money and energy in general -- but where esp does one get the energy to change diapers at age 48?

Just for the record -- DH and I would not restrict our criteria age-wise, though we are tending to lean (just personally) for donating to someone planning their first child.

But now I am doubting my own complaining to my DH, "we're too tired for another..." bc maybe we're just big, lazy wimps.

I may dd this, just because it's about donating embryos and we're so new to all of it...

 

Cbidt's girl

I am very very tired. You are not a wimp. I think some people just havevs set idea of what they want their family to look like and they will pursue any option and try to go over any hurdle to get there. I commend you for considering donating your embryos. It is a wonderful gift. People like you made my two precious neices possible. Thank you.

jettagurl

I think it's all in the person.  I cannot fathom starting (or continuing) a family in my mid-40s.  I'm 30 and, in some ways, very glad to be done with the baby phase and moving into the toddler (and school-age) phase.  

My thing is more about the distant future though....what kind of relationship, if any, do they have with their grandparents?  What will their relationships be like when the kids are 25ish?   I'm just so thankful that my kids have young grandparents (mid-50s) that enjoy to take them places and keep them for days at a time; as well as having cousins their ages.  My BFF is 32 and her parents are in their 70s - the stress that is on her to be their caretaker and decision-maker just breaks my heart. 

GL with your decision...and such a great thing that you are contemplating.

 

KoriBrett

DH & I are absolutely friggin' exhausted. ?We have friends who leave after an hour because THEY are too tired. ?I'm 38, DS is 2, DD is 4. ?

I really don't think the exhaustion would be any different if I was ten years younger, though. ?I simply really really love and need sleep to function.

expectingnothing

Do you know if the kids they already have are both of theirs though?  Could it be that it's a second marriage and one of the spouses wants to experience child rearing from birth onward?

buffalo_buckeye

Well the two people I know that struggled with secondary infertility were in their 40's. One had a child and desperately wanted a big family. They started in their early 30's and by the time they were ready for another, then tried unsuccessfully, then went to a RE etc...years had gone by. I think she was 38 when she did IVF. My second friend thought she never wanted kids. Then at 40 she decided she really wanted 1. She had one, fell in love and has desperately wanted another. Unfortunately she has suffered two 2nd tri miscarriages and is now planning to adopt. I think time just passes by and then you decided what is really important to them.

gibs

Isn't it not all the touchy-feely stuff, but that most women would rather do IVF with their own eggs, and only resort to using someone else's embryo if they're too old for the medical protocols to support trying to retrieve their own healthy eggs?  So you only get mostly older women/couples even remotely interested in considering another couple's embryo?

EdithBouvierBeale

Im tired. I can NOT believe that you are 39- you are gorgeous. you look so young. oh my goodness.

the last pic you posted of yourself made you look 25. no lie.

I KNEW I LOVED YOU!

um...I think it's kind of you to consider donating. I really think (and who knows...) if I had waited to get pg with w...I may have decided that one kid was where it's at.

do I regret him? NO. but....I was enjoying life with one. I was envisioning it being that way and being really ok with it, and then..BAM.

I think that maybe the people who are looking at age 40 + maybe don't trust their genes? or are having advanced maternal age ttc trouble? or have been trying so long that they're at the point that a donated embryo is next on their journey?

that may explain that. you know...you wouldn't feel so tired if you were that close to making your dreams come true finally!

whatever you decide, I am sure you'll be happy- you seem like such a lovely well balanced and fun mom.

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gibs:

Isn't it not all the touchy-feely stuff, but that most women would rather do IVF with their own eggs, and only resort to using someone else's embryo if they're too old for the medical protocols to support trying to retrieve their own healthy eggs?  So you only get mostly older women/couples even remotely interested in considering another couple's embryo?

I'm not sure what you mean by the touch-feely stuff, but yes, that's likely for first time parents. However, my point was older couples that already had kids.

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expectingnothing:

Do you know if the kids they already have are both of theirs though?  Could it be that it's a second marriage and one of the spouses wants to experience child rearing from birth onward?

yes, I've seen some of that in the ads. But still -- you'd think they would still be pretty pooped out!

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EdithBouvierBeale:

Im tired. I can NOT believe that you are 39- you are gorgeous. you look so young. oh my goodness.

the last pic you posted of yourself made you look 25. no lie.

I KNEW I LOVED YOU!

um...I think it's kind of you to consider donating. I really think (and who knows...) if I had waited to get pg with w...I may have decided that one kid was where it's at.

do I regret him? NO. but....I was enjoying life with one. I was envisioning it being that way and being really ok with it, and then..BAM.

I think that maybe the people who are looking at age 40 + maybe don't trust their genes? or are having advanced maternal age ttc trouble? or have been trying so long that they're at the point that a donated embryo is next on their journey?

that may explain that. you know...you wouldn't feel so tired if you were that close to making your dreams come true finally!

whatever you decide, I am sure you'll be happy- you seem like such a lovely well balanced and fun mom.

you are very sweet -- I may just photograph semi-well.

I wonder if having that second child (for us) would be such a different thing if it could happen naturally? But to have one, we have to plan and involve doctors -- I think this leaves a lot of time for thinking...maybe not a good thing.

I think some people just have more patience (?) or adding on to an already big family -- even at an advanced maternal age -- has benefits I haven't thought of. I also wonder if they see their kids turn 8, 9, 10...and they don't want it to 'stop' just yet (which again, I get).

Carol*Brady

My Mom was 39 & my Dad 49 when they had their last kid (#5)...it kept them young (acting, looking, seeming) for a long time.  I see the benefits--then again my Mom was super-mom.  I'm not super Mom & 35...I would like another kid when I am 38 or so.  Most of the older Moms w/ babies I know (40+) are SAHMs & have at least 2 older kids that are generally in school full day & don't have a lot of financial stresses as far as I can tell (married to very successful professional men).  They can get help as needed (nannies, housekeepers, etc).

4Speedy

I am 40 and have a 4 yo and an 18 mo. My kids are stikingly similar to Kori's--DD keeps me on my toes mentally and DS is hell on wheels.  I really think of it as the bes kind of exhaustion.  We are past the age where we worry about careers or finances.  At the end of the day, I feel tired, but it's the kind of tired that comes from a day well spent.  I really think it's keeping me young, to tell you the truth.

And I'm not trying to talk you into anything, but I think 2 kids is a lot easier than 1.  They're finally old enough to entertain each other so I don't have to spend half my day pretending to be a mermaid sitting on a rock, THAT was exhausting to me.

Zenya

I agree that by default by donating embryos you're going to get getting an older population.  And even that population is likely to have already had one child.

As far as being tired, etc.  It always seems like more work to me to have just one child.  I mean that's not why we're having more than 1 (I am pregnant with #3).  But just as a general statement.  Having one child feels very exhausting to me.  I grew up with a sibling and it was always 'us' and then my parents on the side.  I have this sense that with one child you kind of have to be their playmate.

Like I said that's not why we're having a larger family.  But it's just a thought.