I need perspective.

luckyluvr

Backstory...my biological father left/divorced my mother when I was 3 months old. For the first few years, he would see me occasionally, but after 5 years old, I saw him maybe twice (and he only lived 3 hours away). Over the years, I'd talk on the phone with maybe once a year or less, but nothing more than formal "hello, how are you." A few years ago, he hooked up with some woman and had another baby (the same age as my DS). Since then he's been trying to befriend me on FB, keeps "stealing" pictures of my kids from my cousin's FB and putting them on his with comments about his grandchildren, etc. He's asking me again to be his friend on FB, but I just don't want any connection. I have a terrific step-father who has been everything I need in a dad, and I don't want to build a relationship of any kind with this stranger. I say it starts with FB, but then opens the door to requests to come to his house, or phone calls. DH says I should just get over it; he's reaching out now, so take it. Allowing the biological father into my life would also upset my mother, who is no saint of a woman, but has always been there for me unconditionally. I just need to know how others would handle this situation. Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far.

mlm1128

Honestly, I don't think it should matter how other people would handle it.  If you don't want a relationship with him I see no reason for others to try to force it.  Who really cares if he is reaching out now?  He wasn't there most of your life. 

I may be the wrong person to answer this given the fact that my ss's mother is absent until holidays, but I just do not understand how parents can do this to their kids.

stacynikki

I have never met DH's biological father.  He lives a couple of hours away.  He didn't even know about our wedding or about DS1 until months after both happened.  I'm not sure he even knows that DS2 exists.  DH consider's his stepdad his father.  DH's bio dad would keep in occassional contact by calling every few months or so and DH would talk to him briefly.  However, his stepdad passed away this summer and he has refused to answer the phone when his Dad calls.  He has actually called a few times this weekend and DH let it go to voicemail.  I think he's dealing with some issues in regards to his real Dad, who is a raging alcoholic and has never been there for DH, is still alive, while the man who has always been there for DH and who was a wonderful man and grandfather, passed away.  I'm not interested in meeting DH's biodad.  I wouldn't be surprised if DH never spoke to him again...I can understand and support that. 

CNTmom

I think the fact that he is only trying to form a bond with you over facebook when he neglected to hold a fatherly role in your life is very cowerdly. 

 It would anger me that he is "stealing" pics of your children via the internet.  It seems like he is trying to make everything "right" without having to put himself out there which he owes you. 

 If even part of you would like to hear what he has to say or have him in your life or your children's lives in any capacity I would send him an email/letter.  Tell him if he wants to talk you are willing to listen but not promising anything.  Make it clear that he has to act like a father for once in his life and actually step up to the palte to call you/set up a meeting through email instead of taking the easy way out and hoping to form a no strings attached internet relationship.  I hope it works out for you!  Sounds like a tough decision!

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joseysbride

mlm1128:

Honestly, I don't think it should matter how other people would handle it.  If you don't want a relationship with him I see no reason for others to try to force it.  Who really cares if he is reaching out now?  He wasn't there most of your life. 

I may be the wrong person to answer this given the fact that my ss's mother is absent until holidays, but I just do not understand how parents can do this to their kids.

I agree with MLM.  It is your choice to make.  To add, though, I think that if you are not interested in having a relationship with him, I think you should tell him that.  Even if you just send him a FB message since that is how he is trying to reach out.  It doesn't have to be mean or confrontational.  Just a short and to-the-point message so that he will stop trying.  If, in the future, you change your mind, you will contact him.  I think you have that right, considering you had no say in the fact that he had nothing to do with you most of your life.

JOEBunny

If you don't want a relationship with him, tell him so.  My BFF has 0 relationship with her mother because it is just a burden to her.  She tried in her 20's but found it emotionally difficult and not value added.  If you want to be a parent after the fact (since he wasn't when you needed one), I think it is important to add value and it doesn't sound like he does for you. 

FloF9

I think mlm said it perfectly.

ans1999

I am also estranged from my birth father. My thoughts are that you have to earn being a father. Just because you donated sperm doesn't mean you have the right to the father title.

If you are okay with a limited relationship with him, it might be good to be in touch with him. I really struggled with a casual relationship with my father and thus decided to cut ties. Only you can really decide.

ridesbuttons

You should change the settings on your fb to 'friends only' not 'friends of friends'.  This will keep him from doing stuff like that again.

bubu

I think you owe it to yourself to tell him how you feel and ask him questions about why he wasn't there.  My father was a drug addict and after my parents split for good I would see him a few times a year and speak on the phone every other month or so.  When he died a couple of years ago and still now I regret not asking him things I always wanted to know.  I know he regrets abandoning his children but his problems were much bigger than all of us and we just had to accept that. I think I would take it slow and just see how it goes.

lsufan

ridesbuttons:

You should change the settings on your fb to 'friends only' not 'friends of friends'.  This will keep him from doing stuff like that again.

But it sounds like he's getting the pictures from her cousin, not from her.  I would probably have to tell the cousin not to post any pictures of my kids.