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Parenting
Break my heart. :(
We had my parents watch the boys last night while we went to a Halloween party. They used to babysit all the time and my dad would even get pissy if we'd ask my sister to watch the kids at our house. Lately, however, it seems like my dad has been getting more and more annoyed with having them there.
Last month, we went to a night golf event. Obviously, since it had to be dark for the event, it started pretty late. At 10pm (two hours after tee off), my dad texted and said we needed to come soon. DS1 told us "papa was crabby" to him, but we sort-of blew it off because my dad is a bit of a grump and DS thinks anyone who bosses him around is cranky.
The party last night didn't start until 8. My mom didn't want to watch the boys at our house -- where they could go down in their own beds -- because she knew my dad would be a turd about it. She said they could just go down there and stay overnight. H and I fed the boys, bathed them and put on their PJs. All my parents needed to do was play with them a bit and then put them to bed.
At 9:15 my dad texted me to say "it would probably be best if we came to get the boys." My mom was in the next room trying to put them to bed. She'd been there for like 10 minutes.
They ended up falling asleep shortly after and he said they were fine to stay, so we left them.
This morning, DS1 told us "Papa didn't want me at his house." We said that we were sure that wasn't the case and he told us "Papa told me that. He didn't want me to hab a sleepover...he wanted me to sleep in my own bed. Why he doesn't like me?"
UGH.
So apparently my dad must have said something to DS1 about him not staying there. It makes me so sad that he made my little boy feel like he wasn't liked. 
Then we were there to celebrate my sister's birthday tonight and my dad kept barking orders at DS1 and just being generally intolerant of everything he was doing. I could totally see why DS feels unliked by him (and it reminded me exactly how I felt growing up in that house). I don't know what to do (aside from not asking my parents to babysit anymore).
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Re: Break my heart. :(
That is heartbreaking. Does your dad have a medical issue or something to make him crabby?
I would probably lay off of having them watch them for a bit and see if they notice.
I obviously wouldn't have them sit anymore. It's probably only going to get worse, the older the kids get. Or, maybe say something to your mom? My dad is a crankypants too, so I know where you're coming from. I've realized that my dad just can't handle small/loud kids.
But, the mama bear in me would still say something to my dad, if it were me and my girls. I'd let him know that he needs to watch his mouth around his grandkids.
Yeah, I would totally say something. NOT OK to make a baby feel like his own grandfather doesnt love him.
WTF?
Seriously. I am fuming mad and I dont even know your dad. And what the hell is your mom thinking allowing this kind of behavior? I would be equally pissed at her.
On another note, how is your sister and her H situation?
Aside from him being an alcoholic? No. He's young (early 50s) and otherwise healthy. He's just a d!ck and always has been. But, he's always been way sweeter to my kids than he was to my sisters and I. The kindheartedness must be wearing out, though.
(and before I get flamed for letting my children be in the care of an alcoholic -- we've NEVER left them alone with my dad and my mom knows that she is not to do so either. My dad does none of the "work" involved in babysitting. He just sits in his chair with his drink like usual.)
Annelise 3.22.2007 Norah 10.24.2009 Amelia 8.7.2011
Awww, that breaks my heart a little too. Their little feelings are so fragile and they have such big hearts. Its such a hard combination to nurture and protect.
I am fairly direct, so if you can't have a discussion with your dad where you can keep your emotions in check, which would probably make the conversation a disaster, then maybe you can talk to your mom?
My stepfather yells at my boys at times, but he is 88 and in failing health with some slight dementia thrown in there too, so in his case, I don't say anything. I just tell my boys that grandpa isn't feeling well and that he loves them. My mom is aware that it happens sometimes and is protective of my boys' feelings when they're there.
Sorry you have to deal with this!
That sounds like my FIL. He doesn't like kids at.all. And I am pretty sure he thinks mine are little devils. I can't wait until his daughter's kids are in their terrible 2s and 3s! He and MIL spend their visits (and they live 9 hours way) redirecting and getting on to my kids. They make their own rules at our house such as no eating in the livingroom and its really not something we enforce. It's frustrating. It's sad really. I wish they'd try to do something happy with them but he "doesn't do" kids places. I can tell where MH go his anal-ness from now. I can tell his mom was a control freak when he was little too.
I would talk to you mom privately and maybe she will talk to your dad.
I am sorry you have to deal with this.
I'm fuming mad, too. I sort-of lost my sh!t when we were there tonight and got all mama-bear and packed up the kids and left. I was already annoyed about before, but didn't want to bring up anything since we were celebrating for my sister and my grandparents were there. Law was playing with an old rocking horse (it was mine and has been through three kids and a bunch of daycare kids -- it's seen better days) and pulled up a rocking chair to it like it was a trailer (again, the rocking chair had been mine, so it's been banged up through the years). I saw him doing it and said "no, buddy, I don't think that's a good idea to rock them together." Unbeknownst to me, my H had told him he could do it, so Law was confused and didn't stop right that minute -- he sat there and looked to H like "WTF?" My dad put down his hand of cards and SCREAMED at Law to "knock it off! Stop banging those around like that!" (he hadn't even started rocking). I immediately rounded up our stuff, muttered under my breath as I passed my dad that I was tired of people yelling at my kids and left.
As for my sister -- she's doing really well! She left her H and has filed for divorce. He had been being a psycho stalker, but he seems to have chilled out for the moment. She has a job she really likes and just got a big raise at and is looking to get an apartment with a girlfriend. She seems to be in a pretty good place right now.
I'm sorry. It really stinks when you can't rely on your own parents to watch your kids. It sucks even more that your son feels like his grandpa doesn't want him around. Can you tell your dad what your son has said? Maybe your dad doesn't even realize how rough and harsh he's coming off.
I would tell your dad exactly what your son told you and how you are disappointed that he can't control his drinking & his temper. It's unacceptable & if he wants a relationship with his grandchildren he needs to learn how to talk nicer. I also would only let your mom babysit & at your house only. You don't need to put up with his behavior and your son doesn't need to be around it.
On a sidenote, your dad sounds a lot like mine. My rule(that my dad agreed to) for the kids being over my parent's house is that my dad can't drink around them.
That is really sad. It would break my heart too. I think you should say something to your dad. And, yeah, unfortunately no more babysitting.
I'm so sorry!! ((HUGS))
I would not be able to let the situation lie. And I would probably call my dad (or go to his house) and simply, and calmly, say something along the lines of "I've made peace with how I felt growing up in this house. How you made me, many times, feel unloved and even unliked. I will, however, NOT allow you to do that to my children."
And then end of discussion. He will know what you mean -- even if he acts like he doesn't.
I have had to have similar conversations with my mom. She is the queen of broken promises and I've accepted that now that I'm an adult. And she continues to break promises to me. However I have told her she is NOT allowed to do that with my children (after the time that she did it). And she has pretty much corrected it with them. She is also the queen of excuses so when I told her this, she started to go down that path. I quickly cut her off and let her know I did not want to hear her response. There isn't one needed. It's not up for discussion. It is the bottom line and it will NOT happen again or she will have VERY limited involvement with my children.
In a way, it's totally a gratifying conversation/statement! Good luck!
I'm sorry. My FIL is like that and the one time a year he see the kids he's annoyed with them in two seconds. (but "loves them to pieces" (((barf)))
You have every right to be angry and to have a nice little chat with him about this.
That blows, J.....big time.
My dad can sorta get like that (if he is watching golf and the kids are running around, he blows his lid)...and it drives me nuts....but its rare, and my kids know that they can only run in the basement, so they usually play in the basement and away from my dad..then my dad can go down when he's in the mood to be around kids.
I'd definately talk to your dad, if you think he will understand. Is it possible that the grumpy attitude is a result of the alcoholism? I know it can change your mood pretty bad....or at least make your patience a lot shorter. I don't know. It stinks your mom wouldn't just come over to your house by herself to watch the kids! Or maybe you could request that next time.
Good luck!!!
That's sad and disappointing but I can totally relate! Both of my dads (stepdad) are alcoholics. And yes, they've kept my kids....but haven't been drunk while my kids have been around. Having said that, neither are very involved in my kids' lives and I believe THAT'S why! It's so sad to me! I would totally have a chat with him about this issue...especially if it were my real Dad. And, unfortunately, I wouldn't call on them to keep the kids even though you know it's going to hurt your Mom. My Mom usually comes to our house to keep the kids since she's the one doing all the caretaking when "they" keep them. It's easier since all their stuff is here and they can sleep in their own beds. It's not gone well the few times my kids have stayed at my parents' house. My stepdad doesn't tolerate little kids very well at all and is not hands on at all. I'm not sure he's ever even changed a diaper.
If he truly is an alcoholic this is a terrible way to phrase his issues. My mom is a (recovering) alcoholic and she never "liked booze more than she likes my kids." She has an addiction as does your father. I'm not saying he's not a a-hole but I the bolded from Auntie is a gross misinterpretation of the illness.
Thanks for all the responses, ladies. I talked to my mom about it and she got teary when I told her. Of course, nothing that either of us say to my father will change anything. He's totally in denial about his addiction and gets SUPER defensive any time anyone brings anything of concern up to him, regardless of the approach. Plus, because he's both functioning and often drinks to the point of excess, he rarely remembers conversations like they really happened. I do think, though, I need to talk to him for *me* because I can't stand not doing anything and I'm very upset about it. It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I think of myself as a worthy person after being in his house and I just won't have him making my child(ren) feel unloved.
I told my mom that we won't be asking them to babysit if my dad is home anymore and she totally understands. Luckily, he travels a lot for work, so there will still be opportunities for the boys to hang out with Nana.