Serious problem with nephew

whitward87

DH has a 28 year old sister...details on her: Dating guy in jail (6 yr term DDing 6 times, drugs) unemployed, addicted to OC, stripper. She is currently in the process of being taken to court by her son's school because he has been absent a total of 96 hours since the start of school in August. Why you ask? Because she oversleeps about 2 hours everyday and he is autistic with ADD and had OCD, and what 8 year old is going to make his mom to wake up to go to school? He probably thinks he has a good thing going. Most likely he will be taken away from her because she had the chance to complete parenting classes, but missed too many due to running out of gas among other things and now they are proceeding with court with CPS. He is verbally and I think physically abused. No, he isnt beat, but I dont like seeing him being smacked in the back of the head, or being told to sit down and shut the f*** up. I just feel like with his condition, more patience is required. We also found out today that she drank the entire time being pregnant, which infuriates me.

My question is, do we take him? We know his father and father's family wont want him, they never see him and honestly being there would be worse. I also know my DH's father or mother will not want him because they are older, and don't want the reponsibility. They really never see him either. I am really torn because yes I love him, but I don't know if I could handle him, and I don't know if it would be safe with Ella around. He is very careless, and all over the place. I would be willing to take him to therapy, counseling, anything he needs to help him get better and more stable. There is not structure in his home right now, and thats what he really needs. I dont know if I could handle thinking about him going from foster home to foster home knowing we could have taken him, it breaks my heart because he's such a sweet kid. My mom totally thinks we should not take him, and I kind of agree. What do you think? I am only asking because this scenario is a really big possibility and I am trying to prepare now. TIA, and please no judgements if you disagree with me, this is a really tough decision to make for my family.

elyshaswedding

I think it's a decision that you and your husband really need to make with your own hearts, and it sounds like you already know the "right" thing to do.  If it were me, I would take him in.  Yes, it will be hard.  But it will also be really rewarding to see the changes that can be made in a child with an exceptionality when someone truly puts love and effort into it. 

Best of luck in your decision and my heart goes out to you in facing such a difficult situation.

Liss_37

it is so hard to say because I'm not in your position and don't know your nephew.. 

I can only say that I think if I were in your place, I'd take him and at least try. Maybe he's careless and all over the place because he's never been shown otherwise.. Maybe  once he's given the care and therapy he needs within a loving stable example of an environment he would learn how to act properly..

you'll never know unless you try.. at least if you give it a shot and it doesn't work out, then you know you did all you could. rather than living with any guilt (I'd have guilt, speaking for myself)

Only you know what's best for you and your family though.. I hope everything works out for you. It's a sad situation for your nephew, that's for sure  

amandopolis

I don't think there's anything wrong with struggling with this decision.  You have to weigh what's best for everyone, and it sounds like no matter which path you choose, someone ends up losing.

Have you considered how DH's relationship with his sister will change if you decide to take your nephew?

Are you planning to adopt him?  Are you able to treat him as if he was your own child, rather than always making him feel second class to your children?

If it were me, I can honestly say that I would probably take him.  I am a do-gooder at heart.  But I also know how often my willingness to take on what I see as a good cause has landed me in way over my head.  

I would definitely do some research on adopting older children with problems, the kinds of care required for autistic children, and all safety precautions that need to be in place for your daughter.  I would want to know EXACTLY what I was committing myself to do, KWIM? 

CTri17

lisswastaken:

it is so hard to say because I'm not in your position and don't know your nephew.. 

I can only say that I think if I were in your place, I'd take him and at least try. Maybe he's careless and all over the place because he's never been shown otherwise.. Maybe  once he's given the care and therapy he needs within a loving stable example of an environment he would learn how to act properly..

you'll never know unless you try.. at least if you give it a shot and it doesn't work out, then you know you did all you could. rather than living with any guilt (I'd have guilt, speaking for myself)

Only you know what's best for you and your family though.. I hope everything works out for you. It's a sad situation for your nephew, that's for sure  

this. but I would make sure you let the courts handle everything. Don't get him taken away from her because then I doubt you'd be getting him ya know?

He needs structure and would probably thrive on it.

ADD/OCD is commonly diagnosed now so it could just be that he really just needs some structure etc. Did you mean ODD or OCD?

OCD is totally treatable (my DH has it and isn't on drugs anymore)

good luck

dawneo

It takes a stong person and family to even think about taking in a child with special needs, especially multiple ones, so the fact that you are even considering this says a lot about you and your husband.  There are so many things that you and your husband need to consider before making this decision (will it be permanent? what will the rules be? do you have the time, patience, resouces, room, structure and money to care for a child with special needs? what roll will your SIL have? what if she eventually gets him back? what about school - will he be attending the same one or does the schools in your area have the ability to support him/you?  what are you able to offer him?  what will he offer your family? etc.)

I would suggest getting in touch with you local CPS and let them know that you are considering this and seeing if they have a counsellor you can speak to, foster parents classes you can take or other resources for you. 

Good Luck with your decision.

diana.filipi

My husband and I took custody of our nephews for about 3 years.  They were 2 1/2 and 6 when they moved in.  They had tons of issues: fear, sexual, speech.  My brother and sister-in-law were doing crack heavily.  I turned them in to CPS but CPS really couldn't do anything so they lived with us on weekends for 6 months and then when the family was evicted we kept them and requested full custody. 

Before taking custody my husband and I talked a lot.  Let me stress, A LOT.  We agreed to raise them all the way through college as though they were our own.  Our story ends with the parents getting clean and the boys being able to go home.  They have their 3 year chip now.  The boys went home last year while I was pregnant.

If you take him will you request full custody?  Will you enforce limited visitation (we found that VERY helpful)?  Are you and your husband in full agreement on the agreement (or will you be)?  Are there any concerns with him being around your child?  Has there been any sexual abuse?

It will be tough, really tough.  He will probably have anger added to his already present conditions.  If you do take him he will love you so very much later (IMO).  It feels good to do right by family when you can.  It feels good to do right by a child. 

diana.filipi

I meant to add that his carelessness and all over the place way of being probably has a lot to do with no structure and would likely change once adjusted to your home if you provide strong routine and structure. 

diana.filipi

CTri17:

lisswastaken:

it is so hard to say because I'm not in your position and don't know your nephew.. 

I can only say that I think if I were in your place, I'd take him and at least try. Maybe he's careless and all over the place because he's never been shown otherwise.. Maybe  once he's given the care and therapy he needs within a loving stable example of an environment he would learn how to act properly..

you'll never know unless you try.. at least if you give it a shot and it doesn't work out, then you know you did all you could. rather than living with any guilt (I'd have guilt, speaking for myself)

Only you know what's best for you and your family though.. I hope everything works out for you. It's a sad situation for your nephew, that's for sure  

this. but I would make sure you let the courts handle everything. Don't get him taken away from her because then I doubt you'd be getting him ya know?

He needs structure and would probably thrive on it.

ADD/OCD is commonly diagnosed now so it could just be that he really just needs some structure etc. Did you mean ODD or OCD?

OCD is totally treatable (my DH has it and isn't on drugs anymore)

good luck

Actually the courts usually will look for family to foster a child with first.

avbliss

DH and I are huge adoption advocates so if this situation were to arise with any of our siblings, regardless of the difficulty of the childs needs we would feel compelled to take them in, but I can understand your reluctance and fear in making such a decision. You're still adjusting to being a mom to a baby, much less adding on an unstable child with a disability. If you and DH are committed to getting him the best help you can and can afford to possibly have someone working with him in your home who specializes in autistic children then I think that would make your decision a little easier. But this really is something you and DH need to sit and really pray about (if you're not religious then simply search your heart). I think it's easier to take him in and then find a different arrangement if you can't handle it, as opposed to wishing you had taken him in when you had the chance as he gets moved around in the system. But ultimately you have to do what is best for DD, DH and you as a family. I'll be praying for you and hope that things work out for the best.

SeaMama

Are you sure he is autistic?  He could have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.  You should be prepared, if you do take him in, for a difficult struggle with a high needs child.  Good luck, I know it must be difficult.  What about your husband's parents?  Could they take him in while his sister gets her life sorted out?

redhotchili83

I teach kids with autism and while I can tell you that while it maybe be hell on wheels for a while, once they get structure and routine in their life, their behavior GREATLY improves!  Transitions are difficult for them and any change in their routine is going to set off behaviors (even good stress, like getting a new car or moving to a bigger house can trigger behavior).

If you do end up getting the child and would like someone to consult with, please feel free to PM me!  I know a lot about autism and special needs.

Assembly_Reqd

I would ask this same question on the Special Needs board.

I think it would be helpful to get the perspective of parents actually raising an ADD child 24/7.