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Parenting
ButtonBaby
member
How to tell someone their helping is just TOO MUCH helping
ButtonBaby
member
in Parenting
Hey guys. Sorry if this doesn't fall into the right catagory.. but here's my issue:
I'm 22, just had my first child 5 weeks ago. I had a very hard two day induction followed by a c section that resulted in my being sent back to hosp after being home two weeks. Needless to say it has not been easy or even mildly difficult for me. I live at home with my mom, but she's more like a room mate since I pay my portion of the bills around here.
After the c section she took two weeks off to be with me and help me with the new baby. Help is a very loose term, it's more like she's using my baby as her '2nd chance' since she can no longer have kids and really really wants to. I've been dealing with some Baby Blues and having feelings of not being connected to my baby, not knowing if I love her - all of these things I feel stem from having the c section. I know, sounds crazy, but when you're so drugged up that everything feels like a dream it's hard to believe you just gave birth to this little baby.. when you couldn't see or feel any of it.
Any how, I'm having these feelings and I'm talking to my mom about it. She offers to adopt the baby, she actually said "You'll always be her mother, but maybe I can care for her better". Needless to say, this has made everything more complicated. I'm getting over how I had been feeling, I'm finally healing the way I should have in the begining and I'm finally feeling like a mother. A crappy one, but a mother non the less.
My mother continues to take over - EVERYTHING baby related. I've told her over and over again that she needs to stop and back off and that she's part of the reason I feel how I do towards my child. I'm a new mom, I'm not supposed to be great at all of this yet - I know this, it just doesn't seem like she does.
While I was in the hosp she switched the baby's formula. If this was the only issue then I could see where someone would say I'm just being a control freak.. but this is how EVERY decision is made in this house. She just changes things and that's how they're supposed to go. I'm trying so hard to not fight with her since the baby picks up on all of that, but it's getting harder and harder. At one point she told me to pack my $h!t and get out, but make sure to leave all the baby's things - seriously? Just recently she told me to make her the baby's legal guardian so she can be covered by her insurance and she can claim her on her taxes since she needs a tax deduction if she gets this higher paying job.
Even her own boyfriend has told her time and time again that this isn't her baby and she needs to back down. It's not getting better. It's getting to the point that I'm about to snap and I really REALLY don't want to do that.
And while we're talking about it, her 'boyfriend' is my high school sweetheart/prom date/ ex-fiance.
My life is just awesome. Any advice would be just wonderful.. Thanks Ladies
This discussion has been closed.
Re: How to tell someone their helping is just TOO MUCH helping
Holy fvcking crap.
Is this real? Or is this MUD?
Either way, your mom is a whackadoo and you need to get yourself and that baby out of there before you become a whackadoo as well.
This.
I am sorry you have to deal with all that.
I am going to treat this as if it is not MUD.
The first thing you need to do is get yourself to a doctor, it sounds like you could have PPD and you need to get help for that. Please-do that right away.
Hopefully when that is being treated you will be able to see things with a clear mind. Do you want to be a mother? If you do, then you need to set boundaries with your mother. Let her know that is YOUR baby and while you appreciate her help, she needs to understand that her role will be grandmother.
Also- you need to get out of the house for a multitude of reasons.
Begin to take the steps to get out of there and become self-suffient asap, it will be the best thing for you and your child.
You take my ovaries, I take your yarns.
Get meds for your PPD.
Take your baby and leave.
If you won't do that, set the boundaries and stick to them. But there's a whole lot more wrong with this picture than just boundaries.
PLEASE tell me that the ex-fiance who is now your mom's fling isn't the baby's daddy.
DS - December 2006
DD - December 2008
woah, dude.
you have got to get out of your mother's house.
I can relate to the feeling detatched from the baby feeling- I don't think it has anything to do with how you delivered- I think it just doesn't work like magic for some people, and I can totally agree that your mom's interference might be helping to keep that bond from forming.
you are a mother now, and you need to start taking care of EVERYTHING to ensure a good future for your kid- this means taking care of yourself.
you could probably benefit from some ppd help- talk to your ob asap. the hormonal changes you'll face for much of the next year might make you feel like you're on a rollercoaster of crazy- this is very normal, but there are things to do to help yourself- your doc will fill you in.
your ma is doing what she knows- you have to remember that. you are her adult daughter living at home. Moms don't make good roommates unless you're Estelle Getty and Bea Arthur.
she's dating your promdate, which is gross and wholly inappropriate.
not a healthy environment.
find a new rommie, get child support from the baby's father, consider involving him and his family in the baby's life, and get on with it.
you can do this. it'll be hard, but you can.
you guys...this post is making me sad.
it's pretty clear that she doesn't have a good role model to base anything off of...this is one of those cases of becoming a part of the cycle, or breaking it.
(its making me think of catelynn and tyler on teen mom...)
I was so SO immature at 22..I can't imagine having a kid.
Im sad for you, girl- I would relaly like to see you be one of the people who overcomes their upbringing and makes it in the world.
you can do it!!
um..I am projecting an entire life onto this poster...come back and give me more info so I can either feel better or worse about your situation!!!
another thing I just thought of- is this:
when your ma starts heading for the baby, to pick it up or change it or whatever?
give her a little squirt with a spray bottle.
it might redirect her to like...her teen dream or something.
This!!!!!!
And everything else edith said.
get out and get help from someone else...cut your mom off....
100% THIS. Good luck.
LMAO....
sorry, I know it's supposed to be a serious post... but really. L.M.A.O.
I love you. Like, a LOT.
COMMENT OF THE DAY AWARD
ROFLMAO
Wow....your mom is dating your ex fi? Sounds like your mom is a winner.
At 22 I was living at home with my mom AND grandmother (they live together because of my gmas age/health) with my husband and our 3 children. We moved in once we were around 20wks with the girls because we thought I would be on bedrest, our landlord sold her house on short notice, and thought we would need the extra help once the girls arrived.
It was nice and HORRIBLE at the same time. My mom, gma and I all have different parenting styles and neither of them would allow me to just be the mother to my kids. They would also spoil L while I was tied up with the girls nursing or changing them. He was 1 when they were born. Anyways, it got to the point where we all would argue over the kids. My mom would come in our bedroom and just take over when the girls started crying. I know she was trying to help but it made me feel like a failure. I explained all of it to my mom and she FINALLY got it and stepped back some and only helped if I asked or she could see I needed it. (all 3 screaming, trying to get meals ready, getting dressed and out the door to go somewhere, etc)
Dh and I lived there until the girls were 1. It is so much better now that we live on our own.
You really need to move out. It is hard at first but worth it in the end.
For now until you find somewhere else I would sit your mom down and explain exactly how you feel. Ask her to step back and respect your role as the mother of this little girl. Grandmas are supposed to spoil babies, help when needed, and give advice...not take over and make the mother feel like a failure.
You should also talk to your doctor about ppd. Sounds like you may be struggling with it.
Good Luck.