Feeling Awful - Very long

CaptainSerious · October 2010

I don't really know what the point of this post is, except that I'm feeling horrible and can't just share this with most people in real life. It fits in with the posts from yesterday about raising a hurt child, and I thought I'd share it here, both for my own catharsis and to continue my openness about what it can be like during the transition after adopting an older, hurt child.

M has been very obstinate and whiney lately. He complies just enough not to get punished, but has been very bratty and doing everything he can to make our lives difficult anytime we enforce the rules or tell him to do anything he?s not thrilled with.

He knows we are very cautious about being very clear about all the rules, so that he never thinks we are being unfair tyrants who just punish him to prove our own might. If we haven?t explicitly told him a specific behavior is unacceptable, we will not punish him for it until we warn him first and make sure he understands that it is against the rules. He?s very manipulative, and uses this to his advantage, pushing the boundaries by introducing new, clearly disrespectful behaviors, and knowing that he can get away with them until we are able to explain to him at a calm time that it will no longer be tolerated.

So, after having our fill this week, I prepared a speech and got help translating it into kid-friendly Spanish. After dinner on Wednesday, we had a serious talk about new house rules. We explained that we love him very much and want him to be happy, and that just as we respect him and his feelings, we expect the same in return. We told him that we know he is a good boy (he really is, he?s just putting us through the wringer right now) and knows how to behave well. We said that doing so would make us happy, and is his responsibility to the family.

Then can the tricky part. We explained that there are some new rules. He must respect adults, and these behaviors (no throwing, hitting, talking over adults or coving his ears when an adult is talking, etc.) are not allowed. We told him that if he does do any of them, there would be strict consequences without any extra warnings.

And that was my first screw up.

M threw himself in my arms, with tears in his eyes. I immediately realized that he thought we?d return him (or his bigger fear, drop him somewhere new) if he did any of these things. I asked him if he was afraid and why, and he told me that he was worried that if he messed up...and trailed off. I immediately told him we were a family forever (that?s has been our motto with him from the very beginning), and that nothing could ever change that. We were never going to be seperated. He didn?t have to worry about that; I was talking about punishments (no TV, no video games, etc.) and that?s it. (We just didn?t want to lock ourselves into one set punishment so we thought we?d keep it loose with ?consequences.?) We talked about it until he seemed reassured, and made sure to spend extra cuddle time and have lots of extra closeness that night. We continued to repeat our motto, ?Familia siempre!?

The following day, M was obstinate all day at school. Again, he walked a tight line, and was able to avoid being formally reprimanded, but he gave his aide and teacher a run for their money. This was very unusual for M. I told them a little about what we?d be dealing with at home, and told them that I?m sure it was on his mind, and that we?d be working with him on it over the coming days.

When his tutor (who he loves and will generally open up to) asked him why he misbehaved for his teachers, he said he was tired and that he hadn?t slept enough. This is a common problem. We put him down, but he just sits in bed and doesn?t sleep. Our rule is that he has to be in bed with the lights out and no toys. That?s really all I can do; I can?t make him sleep.

But bedtime really the only time he has to really think. I?m sure he was thinking about our discussion and his fears of us leaving him. He doesn?t answer questions directly if you just ask him what he?s thinking about, though, so you have to ask specifics. I also know that he?s been worried about his best friend from the orphanage, who returned to live with his parents (he fears they won?t have enough food and will be cold), so I asked him if he?d been thinking about him. M said he was, and admitted that he?s worried about him. He said that he knows it?s better that his friend is living with his parents than in the orphanage, but he doesn?t understand why they just can?t come live with us, since we have the room. I told him that they are not allowed, and just had to leave it at that?feeling awful because I?m sure M thinks we just don?t care enough to help his best friend.

So, by the time we made it to therapy yesterday, we had a lot to talk about. He admitted to the therapist that he only behaved in the orphanage because they hit him. So he doesn?t think he has to behave for us because we won?t hit him. She tried to explain that if he behaves he won?t have punishments, and we?ll all be happier, but basically, he admitted that although he ?knows? we won?t ever hit him, he can?t believe it, so he keeps acting out and waiting for it. We took a long time trying to explain to him that no matter what, we will not hit him.

At bathtime, after giving M lots of warnings that it was approaching (15, 10, 5 minute warnings), I told M to shut off the video game. When he didn?t do it by the count of three, I did it. I was about to punish him with no games the following day, but he followed me upstairs for bathtime without protest, so I let it go. Once upstairs, he fought me at every step of the way. I told him he still could play tomorrow (now today) if he started acting right and got ready for his shower, but he kept it up, and I eventually had to follow through and punish him. That brought on the full fledged fit.

Like I described below, the only way to end his fits is to walk away and create physical space between us. He?s caught on, though, so he?ll pretend he?s ready for me to comfort him, and pull away when I come close, thereby keeping the attention game going. So I kept withdrawing into my room or bathroom and closing and locking the door. To prevent me, he?d rush in and/or try to keep the door open. After almost an hour of this last night, I tried to shut myself into the bathroom just as he threw his arm out to block the door?and I accidently slammed the door into his forearm.

He immediately curled up on the floor crying, and I threw myself down by his side, apologizing. I was so worried he would think I did it intentionally. The first time he told me it was okay, I started bawling. We cried on the floor together, in each others arms. I told him repeatedly how much I love him and that I was so very, very sorry. When we pulled ourselves together, M got in the shower without protest and got ready for bed. He was a complete angel the rest of the night, and we shared lots of hugs and ?I love yous.?

I feel like crap. Even though it was an accident, I feel like the abuser who is guilt-ridden and appoligizes after the act. I hurt my love, and I hurt him when he was very vulnerable and just after trying to convince him that we will never hit him to dicipline him. I hate it.

This morning I checked, and he has a mark on his arm from the door. I kissed it and appoligized again, and told him how much I love him.

I know I need to be strong for him and put this behind us, but I feel like crap. My husband (who was working late and came home right after M got out of the shower) thinks I?m overreacting, and says M?s fine so I should just move on. But I hate what happened and that I didn?t handle it well, and that I hurt him...and at the worst time.

And that?s my story. No real point, but there is a glimpse into what we?ve been dealing with at the Serious household.

silliestbunny · October 2010

First off, CS, I want you to know that those of us on the "outside looking in" at your stories are in awe of your strength and compassion. You really are doing an awesome job. You are so thoughtful in your actions and reactions. Something to think about/remember in relation to last night- This is not the first time M has been hurt accidently. Don't forget the concept of being hurt through an accident is not a unique experience. He's a bright little boy and knows the difference of being hurt on purpose and having an accident happen. If you can, put this incident out of your mind. Even in his reaction to you, he has shown you he knows the difference. Don't beat yourself up over it (i know...easier said than done). I wish I had advice for you but you are the "expert" in this area... at least in my world. I can say that a colleague who adopted a "waiting child" from China had very similar experiences. But I am sure you know this is completely normal.... just hard. I don't know how this is helpful but your descriptions of setting rules and testing limits reminds me so much of the story line on Parenthood with the little boy with Aspergers. Children are smart. This little guy is so rule driven that the unexpected offers an opportunity to test his parents limits. I guess it speaks to the genious of children. Lastly, if you are looking for a resource at all, Kathy Gordon is a parenting expert and adoptive mom that was trained at the Center for NonViolent Education and Parenting. I went to a talk given by her for adoptive parents and she seems like a child whisperer. I was really impressed by her philosophy and techniques. A few people in the class had used her with older adopted children. She's a very sweet woman and I am sure she'd entertain your email or phone all (I have contact info if needed). Hugs to you..... you are doing a great job.

ctbride08 · October 2010

I can't even begin to describe how very much I can relate to your story. Reading your post brings me right back to the first few months with our foster son. big BIG hugs to you. you are doing the right thing and you are what he needs. calm and consistent. You WILL get there, i promise.

koda927 · October 2010

Hugs to you....You're all in my thoughts and prayers that things start getting easier.

come*on*baby · October 2010

Accidents happen! It WILL be okay. Don't dwell on it and move on to doing fun things!

Are y'all doing some one-on-one time with him - outside of the house? Park, even just in the backyard doing a project? Anything like that?

When we had an elementary school age child, we made sure to do some one-on-one and kept it consistent - every Friday night her and I would have a dinner date and do a little "window shopping" at Target. DH and her would go bike riding every Saturday morning. Family time is awesome but they also need some one-on-one, plus it will give each of you a chance to decompress a little

You're doing great! And again, accidents are accidents. They're bound to happen. I just opened a dresser drawer 10 minutes ago and didn't realize that Sir T had snuck up, and he got smacked right between the eyes. I felt horrible, he laughed.

hoping4more · October 2010

CS, I think you are an amazing woman and looking into your situation as an outsider I can see how amazing and strong you are!

I can imagine you feel horrible, I too have done things by accident such as whacking my DD's head on the car door when lifting her into her seat, etc. I know it is not the same since it was not during a tantrum, but we all have accidents. Kids are resilient and M will be okay. He knows how truly sorry you are and that is what matters.

I like when you share your experiences, even if you don't have a question or point to the post. I look forward to hearing more updates.