Pulling Rank — The Bump
Blended Families

Pulling Rank

In a BP/SP relationship, CAN a BP pull rank? Should a BP pull rank??

We have DS 95% of the time, so I do truly see us as his parents. We make the decisions and deal with all of the follow through. ExH and I send emails back and forth and discuss things, but he doesn't really try to have a say-so. So..it's me and DH.

We agree...I'd say... 98% of the time. But that other 2% I sometimes feel like saying "this is MY call." I don't. But sometimes I feel like it!  I guess I have enough respect for DH as a good dad that I wouldn't pull that card.

It might be more of a SAHM thing than a BP thing. I'm not sure. Or maybe I'm just a control freak.

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Re: Pulling Rank

  • Honestly with each of us being the BP and SP to one of the kids, we don't have much of an issue in this area. Though at times I pull rank on both kids (sad but true) and this is because he will come home from work or something and he is seeing the "issue" for the first time, where as it may be the third or fourth time I have with which ever child is in question at that time.

    I think this maybe a more SAHM mom thing like you said though because like I said I am BP to one and SP to the other.

  • I think the SAHM thing plays a big part to.  Honestly I am of he mindset that the BP gets to overrule as does the SAHM.  Being a SAHM you just spend more time with the kids and have to make more decisions.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • I think the bp does have the option to pull rank since it is their child.  I am in the unique situation where dh normally asks me to make a final decision on things related to ss.  Sometimes I want to just say "this is your choice, you are his parent" but I don't.  He feels I make better decisions regarding the kids, and frankly the bm is never even brought into the equation.
  • Sometimes it's nice to step back and let DH deal with issues. He is content most days letting me make minor day to day decisions with Skids, and recently both BM and DH have been letting me handle minor things. Ex. I made SD's halloween costumes on BM's go ahead, and I am handling a photography session in a couple of weeks for SD's. It's not that I didn't ask either of them for input; they just felt comfortable leaving it up to me. Now none of these things are huge decisions by any means, but I can understand why it would be nice to step back sometimes and let someone else take charge on the smaller details.

    In the case of more serious decisions, I actually prefer sometimes to leave it up to DH. In the case of something where I am just baffled and don't really know how to handle a situation, it's almost a relief to be able to turn to DH and say, "You handle this one, good luck buddy!" Wink DH and agree on most things and I can almost always trust that he isn't going to make a decision that I can't live with. I especially like being able to step back when he disagrees with BM over an issue. I stand behind DH and I'm there if he needs me, but I like staying out of it. (most of the time) Embarrassed

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  • I think it depends on the variables of that specific scenario. 

    HOWEVER, that being said, if it is about something that affects the SP's life, then he or she has EQUAL amount of say in what happens under his/her house. 

    I can tell you from personal experience and from the many other stepparents that I know, being overruled in my own household is more destructive of my marriage, then the actual issues with the child.

    And in the end (unless the decision is hurtful to the child), when your children are grown and out of the house, you only have your marriage.

  • I only allow my dh to use the drill sgt routine in the bedroom.  We're a family, not the army.  We'd both love to justify completely overruling each other at times, but in the end we have to work together.  It's something we've discussed, as we've been told there does have to be a leader, a head, a boss, so to speak, but once you start throwing around those labels, especially in a discussion, all reasonability and cooperation can go out the window.
    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
  • BM pulls rank on DH - which I think is mostly fair, since we have him for so little of the year. I'm sure once we move, it will be different.

    I also pull rank on DH - both with DS and with SS. But I think thats the SAHM in me, too. I'm used to making on-the-spot decisions, and DH doesn't always like my "rules," but he knows its what makes things run smoothly for us.

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