What to do about the holidays?

Jacques715

My aunt and uncle have hosted Christmas Eve at their home for the past 6 years, festivities usually begin around 8pm and end around midnight. I sent them an email yesterday asking if they mind if we host Christmas eve at our home this year since we are the only ones with a small child and traveling with her so late is difficult. They both became very defensive and upset saying tha Christmas Eve is their holiday and they work hard to make it a special night.......they then go on to say that I am not the only one with a child (the other children are 10 and over) and that I live 20 minutes away from everyone else and should consider that when asking people to travel in such bad weather. They end the email by saying, we have no intention to give up Christmas Eve.

I am very upset by their response and am not quite sure how to respond. Is lack of sleep and PMS making me overly sensitive or would this bother you?

brideofscowboy

We were in a similar situation with the inlaws before DS was born. It was worse after he was born..up until it was Christmas. We just decided to have Xmas at our house, everyone was invited and that was it. My parents drove 14 hours, the MIL, GMIL's live close, and my SIL and BIL travelled 4 hours too. My siblings couldn't make it but that was ok.

The stress of Christmas really wore heavily on me due to previous incidents wil my FIL. It got to a breaking point where we had to put us first. Yes feelings were initially hurt, but you can't please everyone all the time.

 

Kflie83

DH's Aunt has Christmas eve at her house every year as well. I'd like to say that his family would be understanding if we tried the same thing, but really I think they'd just find a nicer way of saying exactly the same thing that your family told you. People like traditions, especially when they have to do with the holidays. Obviously they have taken the Christmas eve thing seriously, and maybe were a little offended that instead of having everyone looking forward to come over again for their great party, someone suggested taking over instead. I wouldn't be too upset about it. I know that it sucks not being able to do late night things with babies. Boo! I've already been thinking about how we'll have to cut DH's aunt's party short too.

emiliemadison

Blame PMS or lack of sleep, but whatever it is, you were in the wrong. I dont blame your aunt for getting defensive- she's been hosting this holiday at her house for a long time and suddenly you have a baby and decide that everyone else should change their plans to accommodate you. I think you would have gotten further if you'd asked to change the time, not the place. Email her back, apologize for making it sound like you were trying to take over and see if they could possibly change the time to start a little earlier. If not, say you'll be there with bells on as you have been every other year and ask what you can bring.

Your baby will be fine for one night. And if she really gets cranky, take her home early and let everyone else enjoy the party.

monlyn9

While I understand that routines are important, I view the holidays as special individual events and don't even hesitate to break DSs routine on those occasions. If I were in your situation I would set up the pack n play in a bedroom and enjoy the party. Actually, I have been in that situation and this is exactly what we did. I personally would be offended too if I was in your DH's aunt's position.

Jacques715

emiliemadison:

Blame PMS or lack of sleep, but whatever it is, you were in the wrong. I dont blame your aunt for getting defensive- she's been hosting this holiday at her house for a long time and suddenly you have a baby and decide that everyone else should change their plans to accommodate you. I think you would have gotten further if you'd asked to change the time, not the place. Email her back, apologize for making it sound like you were trying to take over and see if they could possibly change the time to start a little earlier. If not, say you'll be there with bells on as you have been every other year and as what you can bring.

Your baby will be fine for one night. And if she really gets cranky, take her home early and let everyone else enjoy the party.

You must have very flexible children-mine is not- at all. Her bedtime is 7:30 and she is ready for bed at 7:30. If the party started at 6pm and we could go for a bit and then head home, we would. We just can't be there for an 8pm start time. Tahlia will probably fall asleep in the car and then have a melt down once we get into the house and everyone starts clawing at her, as they always do!

I didn't want to take the holiday over forever- just for the year. We won't be able to see my side of the family otherwise. We spend Christmas day with DH's family and the last thing I wanted to do was split the family up by just asking my parents and siblings to my house.

I honestly don't see why sharing the holiday is such a big deal. In all honesty, it is Christmas. It should be about who you are with, not where you are that matters! If my daughter were flexible I would be there with whistles, trust me. I am very happy to spend holidays with my family, just not when my daughter will be miserable the who;e time which will in turn make everyone else uncomfortable.

Jacques715

monlyn9:

While I understand that routines are important, I view the holidays as special individual events and don't even hesitate to break DSs routine on those occasions. If I were in your situation I would set up the pack n play in a bedroom and enjoy the party. Actually, I have been in that situation and this is exactly what we did. I personally would be offended too if I was in your DH's aunt's position.

It is my aunt, not DH's. I guess it just depends on your bbay. My daughter is not very flexible with her bedtime at all and becomes quite overstimulated by her environment. We live about 20 minutes away and would be heading over at her bedtime. She would most likely fall asleep in car and then be woken to enter a house full of people eager to see her. I can just forsee what would come next.

If I had a baby that would let me put her in a pack n play in another room and enjoy the party I would not have asked to host the party at my home instead.

emiliemadison

Jacques715:

emiliemadison:

Blame PMS or lack of sleep, but whatever it is, you were in the wrong. I dont blame your aunt for getting defensive- she's been hosting this holiday at her house for a long time and suddenly you have a baby and decide that everyone else should change their plans to accommodate you. I think you would have gotten further if you'd asked to change the time, not the place. Email her back, apologize for making it sound like you were trying to take over and see if they could possibly change the time to start a little earlier. If not, say you'll be there with bells on as you have been every other year and as what you can bring.

Your baby will be fine for one night. And if she really gets cranky, take her home early and let everyone else enjoy the party.

You must have very flexible children-mine is not- at all. Her bedtime is 7:30 and she is ready for bed at 7:30. If the party started at 6pm and we could go for a bit and then head home, we would. We just can't be there for an 8pm start time. Tahlia will probably fall asleep in the car and then have a melt down once we get into the house and everyone starts clawing at her, as they always do!

I didn't want to take the holiday over forever- just for the year. We won't be able to see my side of the family otherwise. We spend Christmas day with DH's family and the last thing I wanted to do was split the family up by just asking my parents and siblings to my house.

I honestly don't see why sharing the holiday is such a big deal. In all honesty, it is Christmas. It should be about who you are with, not where you are that matters! If my daughter were flexible I would be there with whistles, trust me. I am very happy to spend holidays with my family, just not when my daughter will be miserable the who;e time which will in turn make everyone else uncomfortable.

Then, welcome to being a parent, where sometimes you miss out. My kids were not very flexible with where they slept as babies and as a result, we ended up bowing out of things early for a while, or we tried to have them sleep in the p&p wherever we were. Sometimes they did, sometimes they didnt. But I wouldnt ever ask everyone else to accommodate that.

Hosting the holiday is obviously important to your aunt and I think it's shortsided and selfish not to understand why asking her to give that up isnt very nice. Why not just ASK if they can start the festivities around 5pm instead of 8? Then you could stay for a few hours and go home. If they cant/wont start sooner, then tell her you're sorry but that you probably cant make it this year.

Sage Mommy

DS is not flexible when it comes to bedtime. However, I suck it up on christmas eve. It's only one night.

Our family did compromise though. They used to start at 6pm and go until 1am. now we start at 4 pm and go home by 10 pm.

Can't your family start a little before 8pm? I agree it'd be hard attending something that started an hour after DS's bedtime.

I hope you can reach a compromise with them.

 

mfransdell

emiliemadison:

Blame PMS or lack of sleep, but whatever it is, you were in the wrong. I dont blame your aunt for getting defensive- she's been hosting this holiday at her house for a long time and suddenly you have a baby and decide that everyone else should change their plans to accommodate you. I think you would have gotten further if you'd asked to change the time, not the place. Email her back, apologize for making it sound like you were trying to take over and see if they could possibly change the time to start a little earlier. If not, say you'll be there with bells on as you have been every other year and ask what you can bring.

Your baby will be fine for one night. And if she really gets cranky, take her home early and let everyone else enjoy the party.

I have to agree with this.  If it's too late for you to be out then come home early or bring a PnP or find something else that works better for you.  It's not fair to ask the rest of the family to change tradition for LOs bedtime or whatever.

Alex17

emiliemadison:

 

Then, welcome to being a parent, where sometimes you miss out. My kids were not very flexible with where they slept as babies and as a result, we ended up bowing out of things early for a while, or we tried to have them sleep in the p&p wherever we were. Sometimes they did, sometimes they didnt. But I wouldnt ever ask everyone else to accommodate that.

Hosting the holiday is obviously important to your aunt and I think it's shortsided and selfish not to understand why asking her to give that up isnt very nice. Why not just ASK if they can start the festivities around 5pm instead of 8? Then you could stay for a few hours and go home. If they cant/wont start sooner, then tell her you're sorry but that you probably cant make it this year.

This.

kada626

This is so different from my family...no one ever wants to host Christmas. We usually do a rotation of the houses.

Why is the start time so late? Is it possible to start earlier?

eta: I can see why your aunt is offended. She's been hosting the party for 6yrs & probably really enjoys it. If the time can't be changed & your dd will be difficult, maybe you could make your own plans.

Aprilynn0206

If it's a tradition to go to their home for Christmas Eve- why break tradition b/c you have a child? I would still go and let your LO share in the tradition. Just have a plan for bedtime- take a PNP.. have them designate a room.. take a monitor.. whatever it takes.

JLGY

mfransdell:

emiliemadison:

Blame PMS or lack of sleep, but whatever it is, you were in the wrong. I dont blame your aunt for getting defensive- she's been hosting this holiday at her house for a long time and suddenly you have a baby and decide that everyone else should change their plans to accommodate you. I think you would have gotten further if you'd asked to change the time, not the place. Email her back, apologize for making it sound like you were trying to take over and see if they could possibly change the time to start a little earlier. If not, say you'll be there with bells on as you have been every other year and ask what you can bring.

Your baby will be fine for one night. And if she really gets cranky, take her home early and let everyone else enjoy the party.

I have to agree with this.  If it's too late for you to be out then come home early or bring a PnP or find something else that works better for you.  It's not fair to ask the rest of the family to change tradition for LOs bedtime or whatever.

I agree with all of this. Bring a PnP and see if LO will sleep in a room there. I also don't think it's a big deal for one night if bedtime isn't at 7:30 sharp, especially for Christmas.

ss+el

If you really did word it as nicely as you did 'do you mind if...', then yes, it would bother me. I don't blame them for not wanting to give it up, but it sounds like they got overly defensive about it. I agree with the pps that suggested you see if they'd be willing to start things a little earlier. I hope things work out so you can see your family without any tension.

**sunny**

Well I think your aunt could have been nicer in her response to you while still being direct and upfront that this is something she enjoys and wants to continue to host.

I would reply with an apology, reiterate how much you enjoy spending the time with them and all the family, and ask if they could add an activity earlier in the day/start a little earlier so that your DD can partake in some of the fun too. 

Plus, since you only live 20 min. away, I would bring the pack n play over to their house and have her to go bed early there. Then, when you need to leave (be it 9 pm, 10 pm, or midnight), you can pick her up, put her in the carseat, and hopefully she'll fall back asleep immediately.

This is how DD operates when we go out late and my friend watches her. 

It's not worth it to get offended or whatever. Just try to figure out a compromise because the whole point is that you all want to be together and you want to enjoy it, you want DD to enjoy it, and you want everyone to enjoy being together. However it can happen - ask that they help you make it happen. 

flutenewt

Jacques715:

emiliemadison:

. . . . . 

You must have very flexible children-mine is not- at all. Her bedtime is 7:30 and she is ready for bed at 7:30. If the party started at 6pm and we could go for a bit and then head home, we would. We just can't be there for an 8pm start time. Tahlia will probably fall asleep in the car and then have a melt down once we get into the house and everyone starts clawing at her, as they always do!

I didn't want to take the holiday over forever- just for the year. We won't be able to see my side of the family otherwise. We spend Christmas day with DH's family and the last thing I wanted to do was split the family up by just asking my parents and siblings to my house.

I honestly don't see why sharing the holiday is such a big deal. In all honesty, it is Christmas. It should be about who you are with, not where you are that matters! If my daughter were flexible I would be there with whistles, trust me. I am very happy to spend holidays with my family, just not when my daughter will be miserable the who;e time which will in turn make everyone else uncomfortable.

 

Maybe you could at least get your parents and siblings to arrive early at your aunt's house?  That way you could all be together for a bit, you can head home early, and they can stay at the party 'til midnight.  No one has to get split up, and the official start time of the party needn't change (assuming, of course, that your aunt doesn't mind a few early arrivals -- if she does, just have your parents and siblings over to your place early and let them go to the big family party when your DD goes to sleep).

When I was a kid we always did Christmas at my grandparents' house.  Then one year my aunt (who usually did Thanksgiving) wanted to do Christmas, too, and for fairly good reasons.  We all went along with it that year and had a perfectly nice time, but it just wasn't the same.  When she wanted to do it again the next year, we said no.  Traditions are traditions, people associate certain holidays with certain places, and it's not fair for one person to try to change that for everyone else.

Think about those ten-year old kids -- they probably can't remember doing Christmas eve anywhere else!  

Consider this:  if your DD is so inflexible and affected by her environment, she's gonna be overwhelmed by this Christmas party, no matter where you have it.  If you do it at your house, the noise and vibrations will inevitably wake her up, people will insist on getting her out of bed, she'll get passed around and have a melt down -- and then your family really will be uncomfortable because they're all stuck at YOUR house with a screaming baby who can't just be driven home so they can stay and enjoy the party  

randa603

We have an Aunt & Uncle who host an amazing Christmas Eve party every year.  It's different for us because it's in another state and we always flew home for it.  Since having dd we have not made it to their party.  We will take her when she gets older...but right now it's just too hard to travel...plus, we want to be in our home on Christmas.  Things change when you have your own child and I think most people understand that.  I don't know what you're communication was to them...but feel that their response was harsh.  There is a nicer way of saying that they want to continue hosting at their house.  If it's too much for you this year...skip it. 

Princess_Lily

The response your aunt gave sounds a little bit*hy if you ask me.  Stressed out?  IMHO the holidays are not her tradition, it is a religious holiday that isn't claimed by any one family.

Personally, I wouldn't go either, because of the time and our LO.  DS's bedtime is 6:00p - 7:00pm.  We usually bow out of things by 8p, so due to your aunts time, the answer would be no.  DS will not sleep in a PNP in a relatives home...if we break away from the routine at all - the party still wouldn't work for us.  At least not at this age.

Maybe she has Christmas Eve, you make a GTG for Christmas afternoon with all of your family members (incl. your aunt)?  I don't think you should host a party at the exact same time, since that is not very nice to do.

 

I would ignore your aunts comment, and if your planning on having a separate party - invite her (be the bigger person).   Just RSVP with a polite no, and be honest, and say its because of the time.

Princess_Lily

kada626:

This is so different from my family...no one ever wants to host Christmas. We usually do a rotation of the houses.

Why is the start time so late? Is it possible to start earlier?

eta: I can see why your aunt is offended. She's been hosting the party for 6yrs & probably really enjoys it. If the time can't be changed & your dd will be difficult, maybe you could make your own plans.

I know my catholic friends have parties on Christmas Eve that start late, run to 12a and then everyone heads to midnight mass.

Mrs.Hizzo

emiliemadison:

Blame PMS or lack of sleep, but whatever it is, you were in the wrong. I dont blame your aunt for getting defensive- she's been hosting this holiday at her house for a long time and suddenly you have a baby and decide that everyone else should change their plans to accommodate you. I think you would have gotten further if you'd asked to change the time, not the place. Email her back, apologize for making it sound like you were trying to take over and see if they could possibly change the time to start a little earlier. If not, say you'll be there with bells on as you have been every other year and ask what you can bring.

Your baby will be fine for one night. And if she really gets cranky, take her home early and let everyone else enjoy the party.

Yes, I agree with this. If you decide you don't want to go, or need to leave early, that's your right, but hijacking the holiday from your aunt isn't ok. 

Noelle2375

Since she is your Aunt, why can't you go over early and take the PNP and then put your DD to bed before the party starts? That way, you won't be walking in to people clawing at her and if people ask where she is, say she is sleeping.

lwrigley2000

Noelle2375:

Since she is your Aunt, why can't you go over early and take the PNP and then put your DD to bed before the party starts? That way, you won't be walking in to people clawing at her and if people ask where she is, say she is sleeping.

lwrigley2000

lwrigley2000:

Noelle2375:

Since she is your Aunt, why can't you go over early and take the PNP and then put your DD to bed before the party starts? That way, you won't be walking in to people clawing at her and if people ask where she is, say she is sleeping.

I was going to suggest this as well. You did put it out there to host it...hey maybe they were tired of it, but you found out they are not willing to give it up. So, you either go a little early so your LO is already there when it starts and see how she does (she may surprise you) or only one of you go and the other parent stays home with her or you don't go at all. Christmas Eve is big in our family too and we skipped it last year and stayed home with DS. This year we're going to try it even though it starts at his bedtime and we'll bring his pnp and bring him in his pjs and just see how it goes. GL.

outnumbered

Wouldn't your daughter have a hard time at your own house with that much noise and stimulation??  No matter where the party takes place her bedtime will be affected.  I thought your email was going to ask to change the start time.  I would write back and ask for that concession.

Chloe77

I have an inflexible child, too, and totally understand where you are coming from.  That said, I would just let my aunt know that I can't make it this year rather than asking everyone to change plans.  Sucks that you'll miss it, but if it's less stressful to enjoy Christmas Eve at home with your immediate family this year, then do that.  My feeling is that you should let everyone else do what they always do, and adjust your own plans according to your own needs.

kes3237

I understand your aunt not wanting to give up hosting if this is a tradition.

But I also understand the problem with bedtime and a late start time.  I would email her back and say you understand, but that unfortunately your time there will be cut very short since bedtime is non-negotiable (it is for my DD).

I didn't read all the responses, but could you request an earlier start time?  6pm seems very reasonable.  Or could you get together with other family members earlier (at your house if that works) then head over together?

deltagirl79

emiliemadison:

Blame PMS or lack of sleep, but whatever it is, you were in the wrong. I dont blame your aunt for getting defensive- she's been hosting this holiday at her house for a long time and suddenly you have a baby and decide that everyone else should change their plans to accommodate you. I think you would have gotten further if you'd asked to change the time, not the place. Email her back, apologize for making it sound like you were trying to take over and see if they could possibly change the time to start a little earlier. If not, say you'll be there with bells on as you have been every other year and ask what you can bring.

Your baby will be fine for one night. And if she really gets cranky, take her home early and let everyone else enjoy the party.

I agree. Thanksgiving is "my" holiday. I have hosted my family and DH's for the last 9 years and I wouldn't give it up for someone else. Sorry. The number of people changes every year as siblings sometimes go to their SO's family but they are always invited to ours and I am never hurt by them not being there.

I think asking about changing the time is a much more reasonable request and if for whatever reason your aunt can't/won't change the time then enjoy your night at home with your little family and politely decline the invite for this year. If that is the case maybe you can do a brunch with your parents and sibs the day after Christmas so you can see them too.