What to do? (Very Sad, baby related)

midnight*sun

A friend of mine that was exactly one week ahead of me went into labor last night and her little guy didn't make it. I don't know what to say, or what to do. She's high risk as well and has suffered, now 5 m/c's. At the beginning of our pregnancies she was very reluctant to get excited at all about this pregnancy and when she went in for her 25 week appointment everything looked fine so she called me and we went out for a celebratory dinner. My heart truly aches for her, but I have no idea what to do. I know she distanced herself from me at the beginning because she had a hard time seeing me have a "care-free" pregnancy when she was non-stop stressing. I want to go to her to comfort her, but I don't know if she wants to see me and honestly the entire situation freaks me out. I know that in no way is her loss going to affect my pregnancy, but I can't help but worry and I'm terrified I might say the wrong thing. I was thinking of offering to come over and cook or clean or something. Any ideas on how I can be there for her without making the huge whole in her heart sting?

pawcall

That's a tough situation, and there's a very real chance that she's not ready to see you yet.  You are still pregnant and I'm betting she would give anything to still be pregnant too.

I think all you can do is let her know that you're so sorry for her loss and that you're there for her if there's anything you can do.

mbh10220

midnight*sun:

A friend of mine that was exactly one week ahead of me went into labor last night and her little guy didn't make it. I don't know what to say, or what to do. She's high risk as well and has suffered, now 5 m/c's. At the beginning of our pregnancies she was very reluctant to get excited at all about this pregnancy and when she went in for her 25 week appointment everything looked fine so she called me and we went out for a celebratory dinner. My heart truly aches for her, but I have no idea what to do. I know she distanced herself from me at the beginning because she had a hard time seeing me have a "care-free" pregnancy when she was non-stop stressing. I want to go to her to comfort her, but I don't know if she wants to see me and honestly the entire situation freaks me out. I know that in no way is her loss going to affect my pregnancy, but I can't help but worry and I'm terrified I might say the wrong thing. I was thinking of offering to come over and cook or clean or something. Any ideas on how I can be there for her without making the huge whole in her heart sting?

Wow- I am so sorry for your friend's loss of her child...this is so sad.  I have no idea what I would do in your situation...perhaps send her some flowers and a card expressing your sorrow and let her know that you would love to come visit her when she is ready?

GL to you and my T&Ps to her and her family.

carebear08

I'm very sorry for your friend's loss. Here's a link to a post in TTCAL +6 months. https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/43918170.aspx. She wrote a beautiful post in her blog in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I hope that she doesn't mind me posting it here, it offers really good suggestions.

tinytraxx

I would give her your condolences as you would give anyone in this situation (because this isnt your fault) and then offer yourself to her in any supportive way she may need. Then it can be up to her. She may be very grateful for your support or she may need a bit of time first. Both of which are ok.

nkubon

I know what your friend is going through. My first pregnancy made it to 23 weeks, then we found out that there were some major fetal anomolies and we were unable to have our LO go to term. It was devasting. I've never experienced so much pain in my life. One of my very close friends was 2 weeks behind me in her pregnancy, and carried to term having a beautiful little girl. I did not speak to her for the remainder of her pregnancy, after our issue, and probably for a good 3 - 4 months after she had her baby. I just couldn't handle it, it was too hard. IMO the best thing you can do is just give her space. Let her know that you are here for her if she needs you or if you can do anything, but from there let things be in her hands. Do not talk about your LO or anything like that, it will just be too hard for her. I'm so sorry for your friend, and also for you! T&P!

midnight*sun

nkubon:

I know what your friend is going through. My first pregnancy made it to 23 weeks, then we found out that there were some major fetal anomolies and we were unable to have our LO go to term. It was devasting. I've never experienced so much pain in my life. One of my very close friends was 2 weeks behind me in her pregnancy, and carried to term having a beautiful little girl. I did not speak to her for the remainder of her pregnancy, after our issue, and probably for a good 3 - 4 months after she had her baby. I just couldn't handle it, it was too hard. IMO the best thing you can do is just give her space. Let her know that you are here for her if she needs you or if you can do anything, but from there let things be in her hands. Do not talk about your LO or anything like that, it will just be too hard for her. I'm so sorry for your friend, and also for you! T&P!

Thank you so much for the advice. In letting her know I'm here for her and letting her take it from there should I send her a text or call her personally? I was thinking text only so it would give her the option to respond and not immediately feel obligated to talk to me if she's not ready. I am kind of thinking that is a little impersonal though.

nkubon

midnight*sun:

nkubon:

I know what your friend is going through. My first pregnancy made it to 23 weeks, then we found out that there were some major fetal anomolies and we were unable to have our LO go to term. It was devasting. I've never experienced so much pain in my life. One of my very close friends was 2 weeks behind me in her pregnancy, and carried to term having a beautiful little girl. I did not speak to her for the remainder of her pregnancy, after our issue, and probably for a good 3 - 4 months after she had her baby. I just couldn't handle it, it was too hard. IMO the best thing you can do is just give her space. Let her know that you are here for her if she needs you or if you can do anything, but from there let things be in her hands. Do not talk about your LO or anything like that, it will just be too hard for her. I'm so sorry for your friend, and also for you! T&P!

Thank you so much for the advice. In letting her know I'm here for her and letting her take it from there should I send her a text or call her personally? I was thinking text only so it would give her the option to respond and not immediately feel obligated to talk to me if she's not ready. I am kind of thinking that is a little impersonal though.

Absolutely! You know your friend best, so you'll know what to guage as far as her personality. I know for me, my friend sent me an email, telling me that she was there for me, thinking of me and to let her know if I needed anything. It was a thoughtful email, but not over the top. I really appreciated it. I'm sure if you call her it will turn into a really sad call, and most likely upset her causing her to cry and so forth. I know when anyone called me, I didn't answer, but everyone handles things differently. I really stayed away from the subject all together, I didn't want anyone talking to me about it, and when they started to I would change the conversation or simply say "can we talk about something else". Regardless of how you tell her, she will know that you care for her and are there! I really hope things go well, and I'm so sorry to hear about your friend!

kit.kat343

I'd suggest an email or facebook message, so that if she isn't ready to speak to you now she doesn't need to speak to you.  I'd also mention in the email that you would completely understand if she isn't ready to respond to your message or speak to you for awhile, and that you will be there for her whenever she is ready to contact you.  If she feels a need to avoid you, it isn't anything personal.

ekmebm

I'm a big fan of "just doing something" for someone who experienced a loss, without waiting for people to take you up on your offer to do something.

Maybe you could just send your DH over with a meal or several meals for them to eat over the next few days or even just send a sympathy card with a gift card/certificate to a local restraunt-one that delivers is even better since not only will they likely not feel like cooking, but probably won't feel like leaving the house either.

Whenever I've been on the other end of a death, so many people made offers to do whatever we needed, but it was kind of uncomfortable asking someone to run to the store for me, just because I didn't feel up to going myself...I appreciated the offers, but it just made me uncomfortable to ask. However the people who just took it upon themselves to do something for me/us made things soooo much easier on us.

RedZee

ekmebm:

I'm a big fan of "just doing something" for someone who experienced a loss, without waiting for people to take you up on your offer to do something.

Maybe you could just send your DH over with a meal or several meals for them to eat over the next few days or even just send a sympathy card with a gift card/certificate to a local restraunt-one that delivers is even better since not only will they likely not feel like cooking, but probably won't feel like leaving the house either.

Whenever I've been on the other end of a death, so many people made offers to do whatever we needed, but it was kind of uncomfortable asking someone to run to the store for me, just because I didn't feel up to going myself...I appreciated the offers, but it just made me uncomfortable to ask. However the people who just took it upon themselves to do something for me/us made things soooo much easier on us.

I totally agree. I'd send your husband or someone else over with a meal and a card saying how sorry you are. That way, she knows you are serious about helping and you are making a real effort to be there for her, but you aren't in her face. I can't imagine she'd want to cook or go out right now, or even have to hang out with people. So having a meal just ready will be a major help. I'm so sorry for her loss.

beautifulsin90

I don't have any advice on this but I am so sorry for your friend and her family. I will keep them and you in my prayers. I really hope that you can come up with the right way to approach this situation.