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Parenting
Going from 2 to 3?
Ok, give me pros and cons. I'm really on the fence! DH wants 3 kids. Our first two (girl and boy) would be almost 5 and 3 when the third would be born. I don't think I want a large age gap between the 3rd and my DD, which is why I think now is the right time. Is it really hard to go from 2 to 3? I thought it was very hard to go from 1 to 2 but maybe because they were only 22 mos. apart and were two under 2 (two kids in diapers weas NOT fun). Plus there's that middle child syndrome. I don't want my son to feel overlooked and unloved like the stereotype suggests:(
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Re: Going from 2 to 3?
Three has been rough on me...and it's completely and totally knocked my husband on his @ss. It's probably been the hardest yet for him especially. (I'm a wedding photog so he's home alone with them a lot of nights and weekends.) FWIW - we wouldn't have it any other way!!! And no, we weren't "trying for a boy." (I wanted another girl just because I knew what to do with girls.) We always wanted three kids and three seems to be perfect for us...rough, but perfect. We definitely both feel like our family is complete with DS and we weren't feeling that before he was born.
Thanks to shopgirl78 who originally shared this. Here's the story of my life:
On Having Three Kids
By Jennifer Eyre White
Where I live, just north of Berkeley, hardly anyone has more than two kids. I suspect it's because so many families have two career-oriented parents, and kids are really bad for careers. Or maybe it's because it's so expensive to raise kids here. I dunno. Anyway, when Kennard and I decided to have a third child, we became something of an anomaly in our social circle. And after little Kirby was born six weeks ago, a lot of our friends started asking us, what's it like having three kids?
Here's what it's been like so far.
1. With three kids in the family, someone is always grumpy. Often, everyone is grumpy. When Kirby was five days old, we went on a family outing to Copeland's Sports Store (I'm having trouble remembering why we thought that was a good idea or what we wanted there). On the 15-minute drive home in the minivan, Kirby was screaming and Ben was whining, "I wan dat bike, I wan dat bike!" (we had made him get off dat bike and leave it at dat store). Riley was sulking in the back seat because we wouldn't buy her a sandwich at Togo's. Kennard looked at me and said, "Our family is starting to sound like the seven dwarves -- Screamy, Whiney, Sulky, Grouchy, and Sleepy." I'd like to think that I was Sleepy and he was Grouchy, but I can't be sure.
2. I hate it when people advise me to "sleep when the baby sleeps." What am I supposed to do with the other kids? Tie them up in the back yard?
3. Having three kids cuddled up to me on the couch feels like heaven.
4. There is always a little person in need of something. Food. A drink of water. A boob. A bath. A hug. A mouth, nose, or bottom wiped. A timeout. Electroshock therapy. Oh no, sorry, that's me.
5. La Leche League's book on "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding" doesn't tell you how to nurse in combat situations. There is advice on keeping a toddler occupied while you nurse an infant, but that's not my problem. My problem is supervising two additional kids who often view nursing as an opportunity to try to maim each other. What I really needed a couple of days ago was something along the lines of: "If, while you are nursing your newborn, your toddler and school-aged child become engaged in a vicious fight over a pair of children's scissors, with your toddler attempting to stab his sister and the sister biting him on the arm hard enough to raise welts, do X-Y-Z."
What I did was to yell, "STOP THAT!" followed by, "STOP THAT GODDAMIT!" with no noticeable effect. I considered treating them like labrador retrievers and dumping a bucket of water on their heads. I considered ignoring them and letting it be a painful learning experience, one possibly including an educational trip to the emergency room. Finally, I lurched up from the couch, cradling Kirby in the crook of one arm so as not to dislodge him from my breast. I stomped over to Riley and Ben, pulled them apart with my free hand, and dragged the wailing Ben across the room to get him away from his sister. Problem solved, but I couldn't help wondering if there was a more elegant approach.
My tenacious little Kirby managed to hang on and maintain suction throughout the entire episode, though he must have felt like he was nursing on the high seas. His little head bobbed up and down, and he briefly opened one eye to look around, but he never let that nipple go. The bad news is that my nipple is now half an inch longer. The good news is that if this keeps up I'll soon be able to leave Kirby on the sofa with my nipple and it will stretch far enough for me to reach all the rooms in the house.
6. The third kid gets dragged around a lot. Our schedule looks like this: Take Ben to preschool. Take Riley to school. Pick Ben up. Pick Riley up. Take Riley to soccer or ice skating. Take Riley home. Do big families homeschool just to cut back on car trips?
7. Riley and Ben have become closer. Since I'm so tired and frequently nursing, I've begun recruiting Riley to help take care of Ben. She brushes his teeth in the morning and helps him get dressed. She holds his hand at the grocery store. One weekend she spent the night in his room, then got up with him at six the next morning. She poured him a bowl of Cheerios and turned on his Bob the Builder video and only woke me up an hour later when he began throwing things at her. She suddenly seems older and more competent. More confident. More useful.
8. Both of the kids -- and in fact all the kids we see -- adore Kirby. There's just something about a newborn that no-one can resist. Even a grouchy and sleepy third-time mom like me.
This essay originally appeared on literarymama.com.
I'm pregnant with our third. Ultimately, we decided to have three because we just didn't feel "done" being a family of four. We love our boys more than anything, but we felt like we had room for one more.
I didn't want to have three, but four seems like SO many and I already feel more content with the idea that our family is complete.
Financially, I stay home during the day and do all my business when H is home or my mom can watch the kids, so we have no daycare expenses. I breastfeed, so again, no added expense for the first 6 months and then the food cost is negligible. Health insurance costs the same for a family of four as it does for one of five.
I worry about "middle child syndrome," too. My dad has it BAD. He's like a textbook case and it's kind-of ridiculous. But, I think being aware of it and making a concerted effort to make a big deal out of #2's accomplishments will help. And my #2 isn't one to be ignored, so I'm not too concerned.
I am the middle child and never, not once, felt neglected or unwelcome. I'm very close friends with my older sister and get along well with my younger brother. I think it's all in how the parents handle it. DH is 3 of 3 and felt like an outsider, but his sisters were 11 and 7 when he was born, so Freud would call him an only child. As adults he is close with both of his sisters, although it's a very different relationship than I have with my sister.
We plan on having 3 and are hoping to TTC in about a year so the older two will be around 3 and 5 when #3 comes along. I think that's a great age difference, not sure why, but it just feels right.
That essay was great--thanks for sharing.
I agree that many days you feel like you have Sleepy, Grumpy, Happy and Bashful, but it is completely worth it.
The nice thing about the third is that my older two (4 & 2) play fairly well together while I'm nursing. My 4 year old loved to help when she was 2 and her first brother came along and now she loves it even more with her second brother.
For us, it still felt like someone was missing until DS2 arrived.
I also thought it was harder than 1-2. And agreed that it controlled, most of the time, chaos. I think the hardest part for me was having a "runner." DS1 was held most places prior to his brother being born and when he was expected to walk more. He didn't always stay with me. It made it hard to get all three out. I made adjustments and interventions though to curb his running. I thought that phase was behind us until he did it at Wal-Greens last Sunday.
Having three had divided DH and I more. We often split kids which we never did with two. For example, I take DD and DS2 to dance on Monday while he and DS1 hang out. Its good time for them. For a birthday party this weekend, DH will stay with DD and I will take the boys. I almost always get two though...Bath time is split now too. Its not yours and my night. It's usually I get the boys and DH is the adjacent room with DD.
When at a child friendly place, I just stand in the middle (zone defense) and constantly (or so it feels) count children, 1, 2, 3 and repeat. They can pretty much do all activities (play houses, etc) at those type places and Jake is usually under my feet. I can trust them not to mess with other children.
It does seem that someone always needs something. I often remind my kids there is one mommy and three kids, someone needs to wait their turn. I like to call it patience building. I also feel that I am 10x more distracted now. My mind is constantly on children that I often neglect to see things right in front of me.
The house is dirty. My kids are sometimes dirty (they take a bath daily almost) but I don't get to wipe their faces as quickly as I'd like. But they get three meals a day and the health department isn't banging on our door.
Having DD in school has helped a ton esp financially. This summer was pretty tough with three in FT daycare. I am so looking for a job in the school district. Also on the school front, when I was on maternity leave, the day was pretty much normal until 3pm. Then it got hectic...something about adding one to two...
Just like having two, I found it easiest to keep a daily routine for the older kids and just work baby around in it.
I adore DS2 and as much as I wanted a girl. I believe we got what we needed. I love that he is wearing his brothers old PJs (12 month two piece). It's so sweet! I love his personality. I love that I get to experience having a baby in another season and I love that I got to go into labor on my own. I love the idea of brothers and am glad they are close in age. I wouldn't trade DS2 for a clean house, more money or sanity...And while things are getting easier now, I think it another year or two, it will just be routine...