My parenting epiphany

Echowysp

The challenges of raising a toddler, in addition to taking care of a newborn, really affected how I felt about parenting and about myself. And I'm tired of it. 

After a few weeks of ds acting out at play dates and smacking kids for obvious reasons (kid took his toy) to not so obvious (little girl sitting on a chair he must have wanted), and being yelled at by a  stranger mom in front of my entire play group when ds hit her kid, I started looking at ds in a new way.  Maybe not so cute and lovable anymore and more like someone I didn't like as much anymore.  I started shying away from play dates and wondering if I can even bring him around my friends' kids.  I canceled day trips because he might hit.

 Then he acted out a few times with the baby.  He would be mad at me and take a swipe at her.  I knew it was normal and even expected it, but when it happened, I felt like a failure.  And that "afraid of my son's behavior" feeling came back.  But now it was constant and not just while out.  I cringed when it was time to come in from outside because i knew it would cause a tantrum and that would "ruin" our fun outside.  I would smile through gritted teeth when he wanted to "love" the baby because he might hug her too hard or lay on her to kiss her and make her cry. Or hit her when I told him to leave her alone. That would bring on the "my child isn't perfect" feeling again.  I started noticing that when friends would ask how Adam was, I'd list the things I was frustrated with.

Then it hit me.  This isn't what Adam does; it's what toddlers do.   Sure, not all toddlers and not at the same age, but it's just being a toddler.  it's not who Adam is. Who he is funny and playful and loving.  What he is doing is going through growing pains and instead of me feeling like a failure or being guilty because I don't like my child's behavior (and secretly worried that it was making me not like him as much), I realized that it was my job to guide him through those pains.  And to stop taking it so damn personal.  Because it's not.  It just is what life with a growing person is like.  So when he cries because I told him to stop doing something, I'll be ok with it.  And when he tries to get my attention by acting out, I'll be ok with it too.  And I will start telling people of all the smart and wonderful things he does every day.

Anyway, sorry for the length, but this has been weighing on me and I feel like maybe I have a handle on things again.  For now...lol.

laura1

Thank you for writing this - I think we all go through similar feelings toward our toddlers, especially when there is a new baby that we are trying to protect.  We love them but they can be so frustrating!  At my baby's first dr's appointment, our pedi told us that everything was going to change with the toddler - that there would be times we would get angry at him for doing things to the baby, and that was normal.  That has helped me going through this - to know that I am not alone in my feelings!  It is hard raising a toddler and a baby at the same time

luvdv8

I almost cried when I read this- I already know the feeling of frustration just from being so sick with this pregnancy and DD just being a one year old.

When I told my mom about this pregnancy (my sis and I are the same age gap as my two will be) she said "oh, I remember feeling like I was falling out of love with you- you just seemed so foreign to me suddenly". I think that a huge part of having two this close is that LO#1 still NEEDS you, more even because they're just learning how to exist as little people, and they're going through such a huge personality change that when you factor in some exhaustion and major hormone changes on mom's part it just seems like your LO is suddenly this stranger.

I'm so glad that things are calming down for you- I am bookmarking this to read in about 7 months when I inevitably look at my DD and wonder where my sweet angel went.

EMWindy

Glad you are feeling better about all of it! 

I was so nervous about having a toddler and a baby, and I was terrified to be alone with them at first.   Once I did, I had this big realization that things would never go 'perfect', or exactly as planned.  I can't control everything, or plan for everything.   But if you focus on the positive, and the happy moments, it's easy not to care too much about the rough moments.  

For me, that realization was like taking a giant weight off my shoulders.  I was way too uptight with DD #1.   I feel like a much more relaxed (and better) mother now.

howleyshell

You're so right!

And just to prepare you - it's been WAYY worse with #2 than with #1 for me.

DH has to remind me all the time "he's just TWO!"

Somehow I always expect him to be able to process things logically the same way the older one does.  I forget that he's just acting his AGE!!! 

eas15905

Thank you for sharing this.  I haven't had #2 yet but I'm definitely worried about things like this.  I agree with PP that I should bookmark this.  

KKMMex

This is one of the most honest posts I've ever read.  I wish you'd posted this when I was struggling with the same thing 2 years ago!  I must tell you that it gets so much better.  Mine were 21 months apart and I experienced all the same emotions you described so beautifully and so well. 

Now my angel baby (DD#2) has hit her Terrible 2's and I'm shocked and taken aback by all the flashbacks!  My saving grace is that this time around I don't have an infant to take care of at the same time.  I'm filled with appreciation for DD#1, who is now very independent and can do so much for herself.  She can be reasoned with and she listens to me and follows direction, at least some of the time.  

So the tables have turned yet again.     It's so funny how it happens! 

Denesdia

Thank you for posting this.  I needed to see this today.

JandB07

What a great post, you articulated this so well!  I think for me part of my issue was once the new baby was here DD#1 all of sudden looked like such a big girl and somehow my expectations of her automatically went up as well.  I finally had to realize that she was still basically a baby herself and I needed to be more patient and understanding with her.