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School-Aged Children
When do the tantrums stop?! (long)
Man, DD wanted to drive to school instead of walk. She was so good this morning until that point. When I told her we were walking she started crying, fake sobbing, whining the whole way there.
For a while I ingnored her and continued walking, then at one point I told her to sit down (on the curb) and we could start walking again when she stopped crying. She would not listen to me at all. Would not sit down, so I told her I was gonna pop her on her bottom after 1-2-3, if she didn't stop. She didn't, so I popped her, she continued crying until I stared calling my husband. Of course she immediately starts telling me no! and started screaming NO!
It was just a mess. She eventually stopped and we continued on to school, but it was such a mess. This is a partial vent, and also welcoming any tips or how it is handled in your home. The counting to 3 works wonders on my 3 year old every time, but with the 5 year old it is a different story. Thanks for listening!
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Re: When do the tantrums stop?! (long)
We have the same child! ha ha
My DD is a tantrum thrower and a whiner recently- when we are at home I make her go to her room to cool off or to lay on her bed and cry if she needs too. Usually in a few minutes i see her peaking around the corner and we talk about what she was crying for. Sometimes it takes awhile if she has really gotten herself worked up, and she will say she can't stop crying- that she is telling herself too but she just can't, so thats when I just hold her until she calms down ( I figure this sounds like a woman, sometimes I cry for no reason and can't stop just because I want too- a hug would help me in those moments)
She can throw a major fit too, we do spank if she is throwing a huge one where she is kicking and screaming. I try and let her go be by herself so the tantrum doesnt get egged on by us watching her. When we are in public I talk to her in a stern voice and let her know what will happen if she continues (i/e spanking, we will go home, no treat)
I have no idea what to do about the whining- that is just a girl thing I guess!
My DD (5) rarely throws a tantrum but when she does it almost always means she is tired. So, the punishment fits the crime: she goes to her room until she has napped (if during the day) OR goes to bed early if in the evening.
She has thrown one major tantrum on the way to school. It was just do what you can to get her there...I need to remember the pp hugging suggestion...
My DD is also whiney. I can't stand it. It drives me insane! I try redirect, "I will help you when you ask appropriately."
I do this also and sometimes if I can tell she is ok just whiney I will whine back to her and let her hear how its sounds and she will laugh and we can then get on with what we were doing!
My sense is that your daughter knows that she doesn't have to listen when you just tell her something. She knows you don't always have a real plan to make what you say stick. Once you've escalated it to spanking, she knows that if she can hold it through being spanked, she's got you. The other problem with the situation above is that you're punishing her for having a tantrum/crying with spanking -- a consequence that is designed to make a child cry. I know that when you're in the heat of the moment, it's hard to think clearly, but spanking a child in an attempt to make them stop having a tantrum is pretty illogical.
Also, my guess is that you often threaten her with "I'm gonna call Daddy!" While this might work in the short term, every time you do this it sends her a message. It tells her, "Hey, guess what? Mommy's not the real boss of you. You don't have to listen to Mommy because Mommy's not the real authority in the family. Daddy is." So every time you rely on the "I'll call Daddy" method, you're setting yourself up for future problems because you're reinforcing her disrespect for you.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, and I know you're dealing with a tough situation, but I hope this helps you to see your situation more objectively.
Here's what I'd do to handle your DD differently in the future:
Never punish a kid for having a tantrum. How kids react to your choices and rules is their problem not ours. Don't get involved. Your choice in the situation was whether to drive or walk to school. You chose walk, and you won (as it should be). She chose drive, and she lost. She's sad. It's her choice to cry and fuss. Let her. The more you interact with her, telling her to 'stop it!' the more she will have reason to think that the tantrum is working and that you might change your mind about driving. At the very least, she knows she's partially controlling your feelings. So even if she lost the walk to school vs. drive to school issue, maybe she can win back some of that control by getting you angry and making you have a grown-up tantrum!
If, on the other hand, you ignore her tantrum entirely, what's the worst case scenario? That she's still crying when she gets to school? I can almost guarantee you that a school-aged kid, even a kindergartner, will pull herself together prior to reaching the classroom, if you let her alone.
Anyway, I know this is long, but I hope this helps you look at your situation more objectively.
Thank you Neverblushed.
Well this morning the same tantrum started. This time it was about breakfast. She didn't want the cereal I gave her. I told her that was breakfast and there will be consequences if she doesn't sit at the table and eat it.
She didn't eat, whined that she was hungry and wanted b-fast at school, I gave her one more opportunity to eat before we left while I got dressed. Then as we were walking out the door she started eating. I told her it was time to go now and now her hungry tummy is the consequence for not eating on time.
I actually read this thread after this happened this morning, but I powerwalked and left her behind me (she caught up). She then stopped on the road, I continued walking and ingnoring her (she ran to catch up). Then she finally stopped whining to make a clear statement (to which I answered) and then the whining continued again.
She totally pulled herself together when we got to school and insisted i don't walk in with her. I walked in anyway and realized she was going to go to the cafeteria to eat b-fast. I had to tell her again she missed her chance to eat and it was her choice not to eat. (at this point classes have started) She sobbed the whole way to her class and her teacher came out. Her teacher reiterated to her that it was her choice not to eat b-fast and now its time for class.
My husband is way harsher than I am-we disagree on parenting styles. But, she listens to him wayyy better than myself. He just spanks her harder than I do, no other discipline method.
Sorry its long! but genuinely thank you, I knew I should have continued ignoring it yesterday, but I hate having a child sob the whole way to school, it was LOUD by all the houses.
I think the way you handled things here is absolutely what your DD needs in order to get her tantrums under control. Props to the teacher for backing you up!!
It's tough when you disagree with your spouse on parenting style. Especially if your H is the tougher disciplinarian, but his entire bag of tricks is spanking. That's a bad position for both of you: it's like you're stuck in a good cop/bad cop thing. The children know which of you is which, and they try to manipulate that!
Anyway, sounds like things were better this morning.