IF and marriage

Zanymermaid

Is anyone else finding that the stresses of IF are fraying their marriage? How do you keep your marriage strong while you are struggling with IF? Suggestions welcome. Please advise.

madelyn07

Honestly, it has brought us closer together. It is something that only we are going through together (as in, it isn't a family matter or anything like that) and we are in this together.

I don't really have any advice except to keep lines of communication open, be mindful of each other's feelings and opinions and try not to let IF dictate everything in your life. Whether you take a break completely or just have a date night or two where you don't talk about/deal with/worry about IF.

 

DeputiesWife

Honestly, it has brought us closer as well. We lean on each other. Me leaning more so than him. When DH says something like our turn is coming, and we will love the baby so much (not that we wouldnt regardless) becasue we worked so hard to get it.  He asks me a million questions about all the meds, appointments, and what have you. Its his way of showing concern and caring. Dont get me wrong, there are some times when I am stressed out and I take it out on him, but he will just listen.

You have to lean on each other and work together. You are a team. You are both working towards the same goal. Granted people handle things differently, DH keeps his emotions inside and mine are right out there. But he keeps me grounded and reminds me to focus on the positives and the end results, whenever it is we get there.

 

sweetky_06

IF has truly been the first thing that has tested us as a couple - and I don't mean that our relationship has been in jeopardy, but it's been the first thing that has truly affected us both directly. Previous "troubles" have been directed really at one of us - work issues, issues with parents, etc. The other was completely there for support. IF isn't like that - it's hitting both of us at once.

I won't lie - I've never though our marriage would dissolve over this, but I have had times when I've felt that we were just not "together" - and it's not because we haven't been in agreement on our treatment plans and options. It's more just like I wonder if we weren't in the pursuit of a child at this point, what would be the glue that is holding us together?

That being said, there are times through this that I feel we are closer than ever. Just like the IF journey as a whole, there will be ups and there will be downs. 

legaleagles

We've only been married just over a year, but together for almost 6. I knew I would have problems getting PG b/c I knew I didn't ovulate. It's why we started TTC right away, I was off BCP about 6 months before we were married.

There are times it's hard and I get really really upset and take it out on DH, but really I think it's made us stronger. We know we both want kids and each month we discuss what we think we're willing to do to get that. DH hasn't always been as open to adoption and I used to worry, but he says now we go forward with treatment as long as I want and we switch to adoption when I'm ready b/c the issue is all me. I have to give myself shots, get poked/prodded/probed. We just have to be really open with each other, and I have to communicate with him, if I bottle it up, it doesn't work. I have to let him know how I'm feeling, and what I need from him at any given time. 

 

Hugs - it is a rough road for all couples. 

damabo80

sweetky_06:

I won't lie - I've never though our marriage would dissolve over this, but I have had times when I've felt that we were just not "together" - and it's not because we haven't been in agreement on our treatment plans and options. It's more just like I wonder if we weren't in the pursuit of a child at this point, what would be the glue that is holding us together?

That being said, there are times through this that I feel we are closer than ever. Just like the IF journey as a whole, there will be ups and there will be downs. 

Very true. There have been times that I look at DH like a sperm donor. Meaning, he can do whatever he wants as long as he can give a sample on the day he needs to.

This has been a very trying year for us. DH is finishing up his masters at night, we both work full time, the ART cycles, two losses this year, plus he has family drama going on. For this reason, I know he feels overloaded, so I mainly go at the ART stuff myself. He only shows up to jack off into a cup. It would be nice if he had the time and inclination to go to the drs appointments with me so that I don't feel so alone (I'm sure the RE thinks our marriage is for show, and that I'm paying DH for his sperm)

But, I'm holding out hope that once he's done with his masters and we have a baby, life will become much simpler and we'll go back to the way we were before. Odd that I say that a baby would simplify things...I'm sure the 0-3 month board would love to disagree with me, but the main cause of stress right now in our lives is TTC and staying PG.

c0debabe

DH and I instituted IF-free days, where we don't read or talk about IF, treatments or babies.

You might also like to read Conquering Infertility by Dr. Alice Domar.  It was very helpful to me. 

Sunflower0908

IF is really hard on a marriage, I often have to remind myself that many couples do not have to endure this. I think its all about finding what helps you as a couple to get through it.

We have a rule that on date nights, we're both allowed to talk about anything IF related that's on our minds for the first 5 minutes. After that, there is no IF talk - I find that helps us to get back to 'us' as we used to be, before IF. I have also found talking to a therapist extremely helpful. I found I was unloading all my IF woes on DH - he is super supportive but I think there is a limit! She totally 'gets it' and has helped me learn better coping strategies and this has made a world of difference.

Learning to get through it togehter has ultimately brought us closer together and we are stronger now. But it's not always been easy, so don't be hard on yourself if you're finding it tough. Like PP, I also highly recommend Conquering IF by Alice Domar.

Temp616379875002458

This has been a struggle for us. PM me if you would like to chat in depth!!!

TiffanyA83

I've found that the stress does fray our marriage. My husband has a lot of faith, whereas I like to be a realist. He truly believes that it's going to happen on it's own....when we're not worrying about it....and I'm well aware that his belief is not going to happen. He's laid back and goes along with any plan that the RE sets before us, but he's never completely on board.

In other aspects of our marriage, we're absolutely fine. We get along, we agree or agree to disagree. However, we do not see eye to eye about our infertility and the treatment plan that goes with it. The other areas of our marriage are holding us together, because if it was all based on IF - we both know we'd be done.