MIL Comment...

Emily2me

This weekend, MIL: "I hope you have the baby the Tuesday before Thanksgiving because I am off work and I could come over on Weds, Thurs, Fri, Sat AND Sun!"

I didn't respond/react, and of course she didn't say this in front of DH.

What do you do in this situation?! I have never felt comfortable speaking my mind to her, otherwise I definitely would have said NO WAY... I am afraid if I don't speak up things are going to get bad. How would you approach this? Just let it go until it comes up again, and let DH deal with it? Or should I say something before it's brought up again?

MrsMoher

We made it a point to make our wishes known with Eli that we did not want anyone in the room when we gave birth and that we needed a little space right after (i.e. the few days after coming home) we delivered to BOTH my mom and the ILs. 

You don't have to mention the comment specifically, just sit down at dinner with them one night as a couple and talk about your plan for the birth and the days thereafter.  And you can always leave the door open by saying, I will definitely call you if I need more help.  Because you may want her to come a little more than you think you do right now (or then again maybe not... lol).  GL!

jenaeone

My MIL is planning to come and stay at my house for a week after the baby comes, because she doesn't want to be there for the delivery. I have never spent more than a weekend with her in the 8 years DH and I have been together, so I'm freaking out myself.

I'm leaving it up to DH to take care of it because we won't have anywhere to put MIL besides our couch, and I don't really want our small condo taken over by anyone else but DH, Baby and me. But if MIL were to approach me like yours did, I might say "DH and I were hoping to take that time to be able to bond with the baby, just us two (well three obv. inc. baby)." And see how that goes over.

teacherjess

Honestly, she's not your mom, and whenever things get prickly with my MIL, I make DH do the standing up and telling her what's what.

Emily2me

MrsMoher:

We made it a point to make our wishes known with Eli that we did not want anyone in the room when we gave birth and that we needed a little space right after (i.e. the few days after coming home) we delivered to BOTH my mom and the ILs. 

You don't have to mention the comment specifically, just sit down at dinner with them one night as a couple and talk about your plan for the birth and the days thereafter.  And you can always leave the door open by saying, I will definitely call you if I need more help.  Because you may want her to come a little more than you think you do right now (or then again maybe not... lol).  GL!

This is a great idea! Although I will probably make DH do this alone, I'm nervous I wouldn't stick up for myself if they got upset and tried to talk us out of it. DH has already let them know that we won't have anyone else in the delivery room, I think they were understanding about that. Thanks for the advice!

Superchicy

I agree with letting DH do the talking.  We had to do a little of this when we were getting married and DH delt with his family, I delt with mine.   

I'd just have him let your MIL know that you guys were hoping for some alone time after the baby came to get settled in and you really appreciate her offer, and you may find you need a few hours of sleep and ask her to come, or not.  I wouldn't totally rule it out since you never know if you will end up needing help, but you don't have to commit one way or the other at the moment.

MrsMandaK

If you really think she's serious and it really makes you uncomfortable then you need to figure out a way to talk to her about it.  Maybe the next time she makes a comment like that, say something like, "You know, I've been thinking about that and as much as I appreciate your offer to come over after the baby arrives, I think I'd like to wait and see how things are going before anyone comes over."  Yes, it may hurt her feelings a bit, but you need to honest.  As sweet as my MIL is, I still didn't like her just waltzing in whenever and I had to be very direct in asking her to please call before she came over.  It's so hard because our parents are just SO excited to meet their precious grandbabies, but it's also a very stressful situation for us as new parents.  Just be honest, but kind and I'm sure she will understand.  Good luck!

Emily2me

I guess I should also mention that my mom is planning to come from out of town (NY) for about a week after the baby is born. She probably won't come until a few days after we get home from the hospital, but I think it's understandably a lot more comfortable having your own mother there rather than MIL (who I have only known for 3 years). But I agree that I probably shouldn't shut the door on MIL completely because who knows, I may be wanting her to come to help. Right now it's really tough to imagine that, but I guess you never know!

ryry1977

We let everyone know before hand that we didn't want anyone to even be at the hospital during the birth (my decision).  Both sets of our parents did come visit while I was in labor though...I gave in and allowed that.  And of course they came back once the baby was born...actually the next day since I had him at 10pm.

We also let the whole family that we wanted time to bond as a family and not have tons of people over right after we got home.  Everyone was great and we didn't have hardly anyone over.  My DH was great at letting his family know this.

AmandaAndJason09

I was worried about this because MIL came up for the birth from Florida, and she stayed with friends until he was born, but was planning on staying with us and "helping out" for two weeks before going back. I was absolutely dreading it. However, everything was awesome! It was sooo nice to have the help. She cooked and cleaned and when I needed a break from baby to nap, she'd take care of him. I envisioned this battle for the baby and it was really more like having a second pair of hands. She definitely didn't overstep her boundaries and I was actually able to focus on learning to care for my baby and for myself in recovery without being stressed since DH had to go to school/work. Whatever your preference, make it known as PPs said, because if you don't say anything, it won't get better.

Moesten

MrsMandaK:

If you really think she's serious and it really makes you uncomfortable then you need to figure out a way to talk to her about it.  Maybe the next time she makes a comment like that, say something like, "You know, I've been thinking about that and as much as I appreciate your offer to come over after the baby arrives, I think I'd like to wait and see how things are going before anyone comes over."  Yes, it may hurt her feelings a bit, but you need to honest.  As sweet as my MIL is, I still didn't like her just waltzing in whenever and I had to be very direct in asking her to please call before she came over.  It's so hard because our parents are just SO excited to meet their precious grandbabies, but it's also a very stressful situation for us as new parents.  Just be honest, but kind and I'm sure she will understand.  Good luck!

Perfectly stated.

And while I wholeheartedly agree that each spouse should deal with their respective parents when things get icky, as you go through life raising these people's grandchildren, inevitably, times will arise that you need to address things directly to your ILs because you're husband won't be available and you can't spend the rest of your life dodging questions and having DH answer them later. I think this situation is a good one to start with as it's not the least bit unusual that a new family would want a few days of privacy before the visits begin. 

sprads

My first thought was a sarcastic one - I probably would have laughed and said, well if you want a specific day, you are going to have to take that up with God. LOL Then said, aah seriously, thanks for the offer I will let you know when we are ready fo visitors and you are more than welcome to come over then. We just need to get settled in first.

My ILs came to the hosptial that day DD was born and WOULD NOT LEAVE. Later I found out it was because DH asked them to stay because he felt guilty about having to do a few appointments for work and to pick up the boys from school. I am specifically telling him this time not to ask anyone to stay with me. I got something like an hour or two of sleep the night before when I woke up with contractions and couldn't sleep with them staring at me and DD. I just kept asking them to leave the room. Next time, I will just flat out tell them to go home.

brown_bride07

Well- My MIL told everyone (without asking) that she was spending all this time with DH and I and DS. I found out second hand and told DH this : I don't want anyone at my house when I'm not home; I don't want anyone helping me with my child who doesn't actually speak to me; doesn't know my parenting plan and didn't speak to me the entire 9 months I was pregnant. Take care of it.

That did it.:)

bgsugrad

Anytime I don't feel comfortable telling my MIL something, I make my husband do it! :-)  As far as when we had the baby, both parents were in the room visiting until it was time to push and they stepped out b/c we made it known that we wanted it just to be us in the delivery room...and the nurses are great with telling the parents it's time to leave if you let them know your wishes (and they were fine with this anyway. LOL)  However, I wouldn't be too quick to say you won't want her around.......My MIL is just the ooposite and always afraid she's "stepping on our toes" and I soooooo wish she and my mother were both around more - they gave us our space a little too much and I felt like a failure asking for help (it's just my nature), so I would have loved to have either one of them around b/c it is soooo tough those first days and you're so sleep deprived and it's nice to get a break, ESPECIALLY after hubby went back to work!!!!