Help!

Classicoyote

Good morning, ladies.  I hope you all had a nice weekend.

 I need some advice.  Remember my DH has a teenaged daughter from his first marriage. Last night after leaving a family function she asked us about something she heard from someone in the family about us trying to have a baby.  She said she didn't believe them.  When we told her that yes we are trying, she got quiet and then said "why wasn't I asked?"  My DH told her that we do not need to asked permission from her or anyone to have a child. And she says, well it effects me I should have been asked. Just a note, her mother and father have been divorced for over six years and her mom has a 5 year-old from her second marriage.

Anyway, to make a long story short she flat out told us she does not want us to have a baby.  DH asked her why she doesn't want Daddy to have another baby and she said she doesn't have a problem with him wanting a baby.  So he asked her why she doesn't want me to have a baby and she clammed up.  Wouldn't say anything.  We had to drag it out - she said "I miss mom and dad being together."  That just tore a big hole in my heart. Dave told her, that mommy and him won't be together again.

Ladies, she's never mentioned anything like this all the time I have been with her dad. He thinks it's because at our house she is an "only child."  I disagree because I heard her loud and clear.

We've been working so hard with everything and now this just puts a damper on it.  I just feel like I want to sit down and cry.

Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.  Thank you.

Banana44

I'm sorry that she upset you so much - but it is typical behavior.

You can re-post this on Blended Family board and hear more than just my opinion - the ladies there give great advice.

I have a 7 year old SS - and he was happy about our first pregnancy and wants us to have another - so I have not experienced this, but....

My cousin was raised by her SM (my aunt) and calls her Mom and thinks of her as her Mom - but she sayd that even though she didn't want her SMout of her life - there was a long period of time in her life that she wanted her parents back together.

It's illogical to us adults, but kids crave their parents to be together.

Also - of course she doesn't want you to have a baby!  She gets Daddy's full attention when at your house - who would want to share that?

If I were you I would read "StepMonster" by Wednesday Martin (and have your DH read it) and I would not discuss your reproduction with your SD again - not until you are 12 weeks pregnant and ready to announce.

Once you are pregnant - I would invite your SD to be a huge part of the pregnancy - help register for baby items - help with the baby shower - go to an Ultrasound - make her a part of the pregnancy - not the reproduction decision.

Classicoyote

Thank you.  I will check that book out. Just so you know, we did not discuss our reproduction with her.  She found out from a cousin probably who probably overheard her mother talking.  Kids are great listeners when you don't want them listening.

We don't know why this thing about mommy and daddy is coming up now.  She said nothing and had no issue when we got married earlier this year.  We are at a loss.

 I will post over to the board you suggested.  Thank you so much.  Getting PG is hard enough without all of the added outside stress.

 HUGS!

MDBeachbride

I don't have any words of advice - just wanted to send a virtual hug.  Maybe you can explain to her that in a few more years...she'll be an adult and she'd enjoy a baby sister or brother.  Also, what's the relationship like with her mom and the 5yr old sibling?  Does she have to babysit a lot? 

sunnydaisy

Oh, I can understand how heartwrenching that must be for you and dh.(((hugs)))  It sounds typical of a child who's parents have split up though.  You certainly don't have to ask her permission for anything, and it seems like this might be an effort for her to exert some control over a situation she has no control over.  Although the ex already has another child, dh not yet having one with you could be the last thread of hope she hangs onto for them to get back together, even if deep down she knows that will never happen.

I think pp had some great advice.  I don't have any personal experience, but can only hope just maybe when it happens, she'll come around.  Once she knows it's coming and she can't change it, and she sees you want to involve her in preparing for a new sibling, maybe she'll accept it and get excited as well.  Big hugs to you, and good luck to you and dh!

jcath

I don't think children ever get over wanting their parents to be together again and you know teenage girls can over dramatize anything (not that there's anything wrong with that...just the way they are)

I absolutely wouldn't discuss the decision to have a baby with her or too much of the details but I would let her dad validate her feelings - along with not getting over their parents divorce, kids are always afraid another kid will replace them.  Have her Dad reassure her that she's special and loved and that will never change whether he has one more baby or a million. 

Not sure what the situation is with her mom's other child but my kids dad has two children with his new wife and basically wrote off my kids. When I was pregnant last time I spent alot of time reassuring my kids that what happened with their Dad would not happen with me (in fact I tell them all the time the three of us are the family unit, we added my husband, we can add a baby but its the three of us forever)

Classicoyote

JCath, I love her to death, but you are correct, she is a drama queen. Her dad talked to her and told her she will always be his special girl, his first baby and will always love her the same if not more. He expressed that he would just like her to be happy that daddy is happy.

Her other sibling is came when she was 7 and was born only 3 months after the divorce was final.  No, the other sibling is not his.  I'll leave it at that.

When we got engaged, we made her a part of the planning and she was a junior bridesmaid and was very excited and even told her dad "it's about time."

We didn't discuss our plan on a baby with her but she overheard relatives talking about it over the weekend.

I love her but right now it's hard to be around her.  Her dad wants to talk to her some more and I think he is going to plan a meeting with her and her mom to talk.

Sometimes, I think she is looking for attention.  She started acting out about a month before our wedding trying to make everything about her.  Even on our wedding day.  His mom had a talk with her and whatever was said, fixed it.  I love this girl very much but sometimes don't think she likes me.  I know it's the age and it is hard for her but this is the first time ever that she has expressed anything about missing her dad and mom being together.  She was 6 when they separated.

Thanks, ladies, for listening.

Classicoyote

MDBeach - we've tried explaining everything but it falls on deaf ears. When it comes to her little sister she says she hates her but we know different.  The little girl adores her big sister and just wants to be with her and at 13 she doesn't want to have little sister hanging around all the time and getting into her things.  However, if someone says anything negative about her little sister, she defends her.  She doesn't babysit at all that we are aware of.  She's not quite responsible enough for that.