Anyone fostering SN?

SaveTheWorld2014

Hi all, this is my first post here so I am sure I am missing some of the terminology. Please forgive me. :-(

I have fibromyalgia so I have always planned on fostering, and fostering-to-adopt. (I wanted to do this before I got diagnosed but it definitely reaffirmed it and made my desire to foster easier to explain to ex-bfs).

I worked in a group with autism, MR, PPD, OCD, etc when I met MH and so I thought it was obvious (I have also mentioned things related to it in passing in the past) that fostering, and adopting, children with SNs was NOT off the table. We got to watching "My Brand New Face" on TLC tonight and was talking about what disorders would merit an abortion if it ever came to that and as the conversation went on, I found out that he apparently, he thought it WAS off the table due to the FM...........? WTF?!

I am so upset. He says he doesn't want to adopt a child with autism, used it as our main example, because it's a financial drain and because we would never be able to 'get old' due to having to provide for the child (providing the disorder is severe enough to warrant that). I am usually good at doing google searches related to these kinds of things.

I did find out that a severely autisitic child would most likely qualify for SSI and disability (they're different, right?). Is there any more funding i.e. for 'rent' in a group home?

I can't bear the thought of not continuing to help in the nost effective way I can within the foster care system. :-( I'm also in MA, if that helps anyone with their info.

TIA ladies - I apologize for the 'novel length.' :-) I look forward to getting to know you all better!

*speedracer*

marrying someone who works with kids w/ SN is not the same as deciding to purposely adopt kids w/SN.  If he doesn't want to do it, all the googling in the world is not going to make him change his mind.  That said, you can't always predict what kind of kid & expenses the universe is going to ultimately send your way.  It sounds like you have a lot more research and many conversations with your H so you two are on the same page about this before you proceed much further.  This post has a lot of info about you and what you want; what does your husband want, and what do the both of you actually agree on???

Florak8

I am a teacher of mainly low-income students from very tough backgrounds, and I would just like to add that, whether a child's needs are physical or emotional, you will make all the difference to that particular kid. 

I understand that you would like to use your knowledge and experience for a child with specific needs, but sometimes God/the universe/whatever has different plans for us. I am sure you understand that, dealing with fibromyalgia.

I feel uncomfortable writing this, as none of this is truly my place to say, but wanted to encourage you to consider typically developing kids, too. 

KMom14

While we didn't "choose" to have a child with SN, it's something that my husband and I do.  We are both teachers and have taught students with a wide range of abilities, including ASD.  Working with/teaching children is so so different from living day in, day out with a child who has SN.  It can be very straining on a marriage also.  My husband and I are a good team I think, but it is still difficult some days.  If your husband is not 100% on board, it is going to be a challenge for both of you to give everything that those children need, while maintaining your own relationship with each other.  Like PP said, there are thousands and thousands of typically developing children who need loving families as well.  Some things that these children see and live with are things that we as adults couldn't even handle.  I truly commend you for considering fostering a child with SN.  It's just important that your husband and you are a team before taking something like this on.  Good luck!

SaveTheWorld2014

Thank you all for your comments. I think someone hit it on the head with the whole 'finding an outlet for compassionate impulses."

Right now, I am finishing my BA in Psych/starting MSW so I am not working right now =/= outlet for impulses.

I plan to be a social worker for DCF and that would certainly take all of my compassion. I think that, with the best willing partner, it could potentially work. However, as you all pointed out, MH is not willing. It would be impossible to do.

I was never against 'typically developing,' as there is just a severe lack of foster families in general, I was just thinking that there is even more of a lack of SN kids. Maybe this is not altogether true. I will certainly take another hard look at the fibro's impact on my future parenting skills.

Thank you all for your insights! :-) 

MummyGruetzie

First of all, thank you for having the heart that wants to help someone else and for wanting that "someone else" to be one of our kids. It means a lot to me when I meet people like you who really want to dive in to the trenches and help someone.

My DH and I are in the process of adopting our second daughter. She is precious beyond words. She also has very severe special needs, which make her both medically fragile and very behind developmentally. We're addressing both of those arenas. Most of all she's a very loved little girl who finally has the forever family that she needs. Adoption can be an absolutely beautiful thing. Like I said, I'm very happy that you're considering it. And you're absolutely right that kids with special needs are often overlooked in the adoption process. The group of kids who are harder to place are often called "waiting children" and there's a webpage where you can see a listing of these children by state at adoptuskids.org. "Waiting children" may be harder to place because of special needs, age, or unfortunately race. Its sad to see which kids have been overlooked. You can also contact your local social services for info. on doing your local foster training.

I don't want to be all puppy dogs and rainbows, though, because that wouldn't be realistic. If you're considering this road, you need to know that it is really really hard. Not just some days, but some weeks, some months. Straight. And I've only been doing it for a tiny fraction of most of the Moms on here! 

. . . Kids coming out of state care, just like biological kids really, have so much variability between their abilities, the emotional well-being, and their medical status. Unfortunately, the foster system (even from city to city) has a ton of variability. One system may be amazing and give you files to read a month in advance so that you can prepare for the child. Another may give you files the morning of. Another may never give you files--medical records, etc. You may be given "full disclosure" with one agency while another will flat out lie to you. Some times they don't tell you the whole story, because they don't know it. Other times, they don't tell you the whole story, because they're afraid you won't foster/adopt if you know it.

On paper, I was incredibly "qualified" to parent a child with special needs. I have a sister with severe autism and several family members with severe special needs. I also have a graduate degree from one of the highest ranked programs in my field, where I did a ton of research in this field. I've worked for 10+ years formally for kids with special needs, but even as a young kid all of my babysitting jobs were with children who had special needs. People always brought me the kids that they didn't know what to do with and I loved it--this is my passion!  My husband has always been uber involved in my work--met with clients of mine for dinner and gone to fundraising events to support my family members and students, etc. I say all of this not to boast, but just to tell you I was "qualified" if ever someone could be. And even still its really really hard. And its wayyyyyy different than being a teacher or a sibling or a friend. Its full time, 24-7, no breaks, no vacation, no paid-time-off. Its mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. And for the sake of complete honesty--its financially exhausting as well. There's 

And all of the issues that come with the biological family can add a whole different layer of stress onto the parenting issues. The adoption board on here doesn't have a ton of kids with special needs, but it is helpful in other respects. You should visit them for general info. if you haven't already. 

There are happy times too. There are lots of happy times. DD has learned so many things since she's come home and made so many breakthroughs and its been amazing to be there for all of those "firsts". I can't even begin to convey all of the great things that have come from DD being part of our family.

DH is amazing and has supported both of our girls so well. I don't think any of this would have been possible without his 150%-on-boardness. I don't want to judge the impression that I got in a paragraph of reading, but if you're SO is not on board, please do not go forward. It won't do the child any good to come to another family where they feel that they are not wanted. 

And to answer the question about finances. Depending on how you choose to adopt a child with special needs, there is sometimes financial help available, but it in no way covers everything that you will spend in caring for them. And in terms of planning for when you die. That's totally up to you to cover yourself as any other parent would. Its all out of your pocket to plan for means. There are other things aside from group homes (which are often really hard to get into and have a huge variability in terms of quality). But these other options all cost a lot of money. One of our major decision factors with when we would adopt was making sure that we could afford to take care of her--both while we are alive and when we die. I think that's only fair to any child you have-either biological or adoptive.

You mentioned in your second post that you're in school for Social Work. What are you hoping for in terms of time lines? I planned on keeping my part-time business going when our daughter came home, but it really wasn't possible. There are just so many appts and therapies, aside from just the normal bonding that you want to do with your new child! . . . Social workers really set the pace for how children are treated in the system. There's a lot that's out of your hands, but there's still so much opportunity for influencing a huge variety of people in that field! We've come across a lot of SWs since DD has come home. Some have been amazing, others not-so-much. In both cases, the decisions that they made had huge ramifications for her. 

Regardless of what you decide to do with adopting, there are lots of ways to get involved in the special needs community if you're yearning to help some one--both short term and long term. 

Let us know if you have any other questions!

SaveTheWorld2014

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