Teenage Girls

sweetie0228

My DD is turning 14 in November.  She's on the school's field hockey team.  The onther day she came home early b/c she didn't go to practice b/c someone filled her practice bag w/ water and her uniform and all her gear was drenched.

She said it wasn't the first time it's happened and even though she moves the bag and it's with the other teammates bags and w/ the cheerleader's bags and the soccer team's bags hers is the only one getting drenched.  The showers are disabled and can't be turned on.

She said she told the coach and that the coach would look into it.  And for whatever reason she's not allowed to use the gym lockers.  I told her to ask the coach if she could keep her bag in the coach's office but my DD shoots that idea down too.  I'm not really sure why. 

She has had some issues w/ friends where one minute they are the BFF's and nothing can ever come between them to bitter enemies and the girls are spreading rumors about my DD and she's coming home in tears.  She has gone through several groups of friends in the last 3 years of middle school and the same thing keeps happening.

I'm at a point that I'm thinking my DD is contributing to this in someway.  Maybe my DD is the mean girl and the girls are sick of it.  Maybe they aren't rumors she really is saying/do they girls are talking about.  Maybe my DD is such an AW that the other girls get sick of it and drop her and my DD is making up the fact they are spreading rumors about her and being mean to her so she doesn't have to face the reality she pushes her friends away by her behavior.

Most of me says I need to stay out of the drama of teenage girls.  And I know my DD she is a huge AW Drama Queen at home.  I offer advice to her and how I would handle the situation but I'm the stupidest person on earth and completely out of touch w/ reality so my opinion and life experiences don't mean anything to her.

Then there is the mama bear in me that wants to protect her and yell at the alledged mean kids and make them like and accept my child (that is unrealistic I know)

I don't know if anyone can really offer any advice especially since you don't know my DD and is she making it up or is it really happening the way she says.  Either way my DD is in pain and I want it to stop.  So any advice you can offer or any insight on this type of situation would be appreciated.

Thanks

Adrienne4.11

Call the coach and tell her to find out who is doing that. IDK what you can do about her relationship with the other girls, but it is absolutely ridiculous and unacceptable that the coach won't look into what is happening. If she tells you no, go over her head. 

NikkiJ19

Hi from blended families

I know what you are going through. SD#1 has been bullied by they same group of girls since 7th grade (the are now freshman). It did carry over from middle school. If you find the solution to the problem let us know.

We stay in contact with the school and address every issue head on but it hasn't completely gone away. Part of the problem too is we know how SD acts sometimes and she is part of the problem (looks like you are considering this also). We try to correct her attitude as much as possible b/c we see it when she talks to her siblings and friends.

GL and if you figure it out let me know asap!!!

neverblushed

-auntie-:

1.The reality is that coaches allow bullies to manage behavior. If s/he sees your DD as a drama queen, s/he will allow the alphas to apply consequences. If you complain to the coach, you'll be that mom and she'll suffer the consequences.

 

2. One of my football playing scouts got shot by a bb gun waiting for a bus. His mom took him to the er where it was treated like any other gunshot wound and the police were called. This boy, a 6/3" junior is sitting on the sidelines wee after week while we lose by 42 point margins. Don't go there is she loves field hockey.

 

3. If you don't get help there, down load your district's mission statement. In this post-Columbine era we all have one. And make an appointment with the principal and coach. Ask them how they plan to live up to the bar they have set themselves.

Hi there -- I teach 9th and 10th grade at a private school.  Although our school works hard to curb bullying and be responsive to it, it still exists, especially among the girls.

I agree with #1 above.  It's true that sometimes coaches tolerate or even subtly encourage harassment/bullying.  And, unfortunately, I also agree that directly approaching the coach might run the risk of him/her taking it out on your DD.

As far as #2, it seems like the PP is saying that if you complain, the coach might bench your DD to get back at you, so if she really likes field hockey, it might not be worth it, and she should just continue being bullied.  I disagree with this completely.  I am astonished at the idea that winning middle school or high school games is more important than a child's sense of safety and self-worth. 

I do really like the idea that the PP has in #3, which is to go directly to the school's mission statement or anti-bullying pledge.  Almost all schools at least pay lip-service to the idea that they're going to stop bullying.  And while coaches don't really have much incentive to curb bullying, administrators and guidance counselors do.  

Ultimately, even if she SAYS you're clueless and you don't understand, keep talking to your DD about it and keep letting her know that, no matter what happens at school, YOU support her and YOU don't think what's going on is 1) acceptable, or 2) her fault.  When the child is in the middle of being bullied is not the right time to start sending her the message "well, you might actually be part of the problem."  If you ask her questions like, "Are they being mean to you because you're a bit of a drama queen?" she'll interpret that as "Mom thinks I'm the one to blame and that I deserve this."  Much later, after the immediate crisis about field hockey has passed, you can examine what she might have been doing to contribute to this problem.

Coping with bullying stinks!  I'm sorry your DD is going through this.  Hopefully you'll get some results from the guidance counselor and the administration.

 

Cristin23

Sweetie-YGPM